Do's and Don'ts of Online Dating ~ Internet Romances
6 Internet Dating Message Dos And Don'ts, Because Complete ...
8 Online Dating Dos and Don'ts - ModernFilipina.ph
Dos and Don'ts ~ Internet Romances
How to Prank - The Dos and Don'ts - Stuff On The Internet
Internet Dating Dos and Don’ts - Good Times
The Dos and Don'ts of Texting While in a Relationship ...
Do’s and Don’ts of Virtual Interviewing
10 Dos & Don'ts Of Online Dating - Lipstiq Malaysia
10 Dos & Don’ts Of Online Dating – Lipstiq.com
The bar scene is dead; the internet is the new place to meet your next potential partner. If you’ve decided to trade in your cocktail dress for an online dating account, here are some Dos and Donts to keep in mind on your journey for online love. Image from You’ve Got Mail via Warner Bros. Entertainment After all, it’s people that make relationships good or bad, not the internet. Sensible and supportive ‘Dos and Don’ts’. That’s what I think our Internet Romance Couples need. No scary stories here, just success stories. I have written the following sections purely based on my skills in researching and assignment writing. Let’s get this straight – you’re never really done with dating until you’ve tried online dating. Say whatever you want, but online dating could be your game changer and be the most fun and exciting way for you to meet someone, go on unpredictable dates, and possibly fall in love. If you’re ready to jump […] The Dos and Don'ts of Texting While in a Relationship. Author: ... expect that you'll be using it to woo, entice, and maintain your romantic partner. It'll start off with a few texts here and there, invitations to hang out, and then progress to daily texts checking in to see how you're doing. ... When you've hung out with each other and you ... Internet chat groups are a virtual community vastly different to our ‘real’ communities. They have different laws and rules of their own. They seem to experience problems of a unique nature. Dos and Don’ts Checklist: If you are going to use chat groups, study up hard and protect yourself! 7. Practising the Dos and Don’ts If you’ve been pranked before by someone, the first thing you want to do is get them back. Doing this can lead to a back and forth spiral of bigger and better pranks. If you’re doing that, make sure that you don’t start losing the run of yourself, and follow the rest of the dos and don’ts in this article. Do: Stay Lighthearted 6 Internet Dating Message Dos And Don’ts, Because Complete Sentences Make People Swoon As an enthusiastic dater, on the internet and down, and also as a person who utilized to operate for Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz, helping consumers compose their profiles, we saw numerous... Once you’ve broken the ice, the next step is to arrange a meeting. But at this early stage, some degree of caution is in order. First and foremost, bear in mind that what you’re dealing with are virtual facsimiles, meaning that you can never be sure with whom you’re actually communicating—and as noted above, the cyber-world is rife with ... Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, most companies have switched to virtual interviewing. And to ace your virtual interviews, you need to know what to do as well as what not to do. Here are the most important do’s and don’ts when it comes to succeeding in a virtual interview. DO schedule the interview for a time when it will be quiet in your home. Photo: Top Dating Coach Let’s get this straight – you’re never really done with dating until you’ve tried online dating. Say whatever you want, but online dating could be your game changer and be the most fun and exciting way for you to meet someone, go on unpredictable dates, and possibly fall in love. If you’re ready to jump onto the Internet dating bandwagon, here are some dos and ...
2013.10.14 00:27 DrLamLamNarcissistic Abuse
This is a place for targets of a narcissist’s abuse to come together to support, encourage, learn from, share with, and validate one another. It is NOT a replacement for therapy or counseling. We support abusive relationships from romantic, work, roommates and friends.No family dynamics or posts about family members or posts about other people being abused please. They are not permitted.
2020.09.19 02:17 IDontFavorFoolsplease tell me im overreacting?
My partner has been offline for 2h almost 3 and im so fucking worried. He just gone offline just like that, i tried to message him and he doesn't respond. Im not sure if it's his internet connection, but i feel so anxious and feel about to cry. Hes suicidal so i really take this serious and im very very scared for him. My anxiety is just going over the roof and i've been binge eating to soothe it, im so lost rn i just dont know if its anxiety just speaking or if theres actually something wrong. i really dont know what to do. His friend is offline, i cant message him. I don't have his parents house phone number, we are in a long distance relationship so i dont have much to contact him with. I really feel like crying and freaking out, im literally close to having an anxiety attack and its killing me so badly inside. If hes actually commited suicide, then i really dont know what else to do further with my life, i just feel so empty inside without him, i just feel like dying.
2020.09.13 09:41 shostakofishA low waste retrospective of the year as told by an aggressively average but well meaning actual non-lifestyle blogger normal person.
Ok, I love lifestyle bloggers but to be honest I can never really trust their reviews of things because there's just no way I can be that motivated, consistent, organized, or self-sacrificing. But oh lordy do I try. Here's some of the "zero waste"/ "buy it for life" / "Environmental" things and hacks I've tried and how they compare to the normal products I would have used. 5/5 is going to be exactly as good as a normal product. A disclaimer- I am a young, able bodied adult woman with no kids, no allergies, and non-sensitive skin. I'm also going to be referring to products very generically, because many I bought locally but have identical or similar items all over the market. Also there will be TMI for things like body care and butts and stuff so... yeah. Saftey Razor (5/5) - I genuinely don't know how disposable razors managed to so thoroughly usurp safety razors, it is a marvel of marketing. I bought a super cheap safety razor ($20ish) and a 5 pack of blades because I was nervous and yeah there was a bit of a learning curve but not more than normal shaving? I'd say the biggest difference is the fact that pressing harder doesn't change anything and if your shave isn't close enough you need to switch angles instead of just going over and over again. I am not a patient shower-er and I have not yet cut myself. I've used it to shave every area except the Brazilian wax area. No razor burn to be seen (but again I have non sensitive skin). I dispose of the blades first in any old plastic container or can I'm getting rid of anyway before the trash, but that process may be more difficult with children who have access to bathrooms. I could see how blade removal could be difficult for folks with shaky hands, and obviously self harm triggers from the blades are present. Shaving Cream Bar (4/5) - Not as satisfying as a foam, but equally as effective. Docked a tiny bit for being very slippery to handle, especially when on its last legs. Also tough to spread around bikini areas. Cardboard Tube "natural" deodorant (2/5) - I really wanted to like this one more because I loved the smell and the idea of it, but these suckers are fairly expensive and I also seem to like,,,, crush them???? I am not raging hulk of a person as far as I know but these suckers just have not managed to keep their whole shape and "push-up-ability" for me. Also I'm a real sweaty bastard and while it smelled nice it was not workday capable without a re-application. All in all it was just too much money for a semi-crushed nice smelling stick for me to buy again. Old tee-shirt cotton pads (4/5) - I was shocked, shocked I tell you, with how well this ended up working for me. I was completely unwilling to actually sew a hem around the squares I cut from a no longer wanted cotton shirt and so I felt crazy looking at these stupid little fraying bits of scrap cloth. But I put them in an old tissue box and they blended right in with my bathroom. Applying products to the squares and then my face is exactly as good feeling as a standard disposable wipe. I used a different small basket I already had for dirty ones so I could wash them in larger batches because my morning process does not leave room for me deal with them one at a time because my life is a mess sometimes. Washing them is... a process. At first I tried hand washing but then drying was not happening and my partner did not deserve the punishment of tiptoeing through a bathroom with like 50 cotton squares just around. Also cat hair got on everything. Eventually I ended up with the solution to use a mesh bag (like for bras) and added them to my laundry load that way so they dont get lost. Honestly I would try this one if only because you have nothing to lose. You're getting rid of the tee shirt anyway, rub your face with it first and see if you like it! Silicone period cup (4.5/5) - I really like mine and it takes a bit of practice, but I'd say it's well worth the learning curve. Once you know how to do it you can pop that sucker out, wash it and pop it back in in less than 3 minutes tops. Holds like 8 hours of blood no problemo. Old clothing "paper" towels (2/5)- I wish this worked for me as well as the bathroom squares did. But between the cats and my general messiness old clothes were just not absorbent enough to clean as well as my actual wash rags. I may just have shitty clothes though. They did work well for very specific instances like wiping up a spilled drink on a flat surface, but not enough for me to be willing to have a basket of old shirts just sitting in my house. Bamboo Travel Cutlery (0/5) - No shade if you like these but they were garbage to me. I bought them because I was tricked by green-washing and cool advertisements and I wish I had just packed a normal fork. Bar Shampoo/conditioner (2/5) - While these technically did a job, they did not work for me and my partner (and we share shampoo). He has thick curly locks and the shampoo and conditioner in a bar was just not able to permeate without some very meticulous showering and we are not meticulous people. Our showers are 10 minutes give or take, and we needed something more simple. I am also a clutz and would always drop them, losing whole dollars of shampoo at a time. Some crazy shampoo/conditioner that a local hippie delivers to me in a metal tin so I only needed one reusable pump (5/5) - Hell yeah! I can't really do a good recommendation on this one because obviously not everyone is as lucky as I am to have a zero waste shop in the same city as they are. But here is my plea - give your local hippie shop owners a chance, do some intensive googling for local businesses and you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find! (by the way, if you're in the Tacoma area A Drop In The Ocean makes my shampoo) Bidet (5/5+) - Honestly I tell people who arent zero waste to get a bidet. Just get one, they're so good. Mine was like $30 and it only shoots cold water and it's still the best thing that's ever happened to me. I still use toilet paper with mine but now it's like one square at a time for drying purposes. Cast Iron Pan (5/5) - Im in love with my cast iron. It just sits on my stove and I cook everything on it. That being said, I've never managed to get it truly seasoned to be non stick on its own, I add a lil oil to it for that. I also literally dont know what all these crazy care instructions on the internet are. My father used a cast iron for 40+ years and he cleans it with water, sometimes a little soap if it's uber gross and it's literally fine. I've seen him re season it once. Not a good pan for people who have muscular troubles with their hands though, these bad boys are pretty heavy. Also side bar: Advice about cast irons online is terrible it's all so pretentious and frightening to read if you don't have background knowledge but I swear, it's super simple. All those people using big words and crazy continuous care are just like, high on their own knowledge or something.
You clean the cast iron
you rub that bad boy with some vegetable oil or crisco
you throw it upside down in the oven at 375 for an hour and let cool
BAM all done. It is now seasoned forever. If for some reason you feel the seasoning getting thin somewhere (maybe because you're like me and accidentally left it in soapy water overnight because I'm a sinner) Just do step 1-3 again.
A mason jar instead of a reusable cup (0/5) - I dropped my bag because I'm a moron and it fucking exploded because it's glass, maybe 5/5 if you're not a moron but I'm unwilling to attempt again. Keepcup TM (1/5) - Very cute but the lid stopped working after I kept putting boiling hot drinks in it. My friend's still works fine so maybe it's a fluke, but I didn't get another. A $2 reusable starbucks cup (4/5) - Because I broke every other cup I guess. I also beat the shit out of it with no visible damage so far, including microwave, freezing, dropping and dishwasher. They are pretty thin though so I use a knit cozy so I can hold it when hot. Also doesn't seal shut. Cutting open the bottle of my swiffer cleanerso I could refill it (5/5+) - Only thing that makes my swiffer worth it. The seal is a lie, there's threading under there. The instructions linked are a good way to do it, but I literally just hacked at the edge of mine with a knife until it came off. I refill using a cleaning concentrate and it works equally as well as the original cleaner. Throwing in that I got a reusable swiffer pad set of three as well and they work great too. Just throw them in with the laundry when they're dirty! Powder Toothpaste (1/5) - Again, power to you if you can use this. My teeth felt clean but I also wanted to barf while using it. I did use it all, which I am proud of, and I did gag every time, which I am not. And finally... A metal reusable straw (3/5) - It's fine I guess. I cant really take it places with me but it's nice for when I drink at home. I am so sorry this got so long. I don't know what happened. Quarantine is just so boring. Hopefully maybe other people can leave honest reviews of them trying to live normal lives with zero waste products too and add validity to this monstrosity or maybe just point out things I missed or something.
2020.09.11 06:25 borednightnurse1990Week 1 Day 3: You f***ing people!
Part 1 described Kevin and Karen as nightmare neighbours with the payback i was fortunate enough to serve them. I know i described them as a “Kevin and Karen” duo but only mainly mentioned Kevin in Part 1. That was intentional. My interactions with Karen at that point were minor and i wanted to keep the focus on Kevin. However, this entire story is about that one incident where Karen steps up and takes things to another level, and i foolishly take the bait. Someone else in my favorite military sub quoted Mark Twain: “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience”. I also mentioned a conversation i had with someone, where the person described Kevin and Karen as people who maybe likes being the big fish in a small pond, and thus picks on people who are visibly different, just like them. This is because Kevin and Karen are both of African ethnicity. This part will come up later and will play a pivotal part in the story. Advance Warning: please, please, please keep your politics and any divisive personal biases OUT of my story and this sub. I only mentioned ethnicity and gender because the story itself is focused on that. Im a big girl, i can take care of myself, if you’re a shithead racist/homophobe and cant keep your racist comments to yourself, feel free to shoot me a PM but stick to that and dont litter this sub with your trash. Mods, if this gets out of hand and people start getting rowdy, please include in your options the possibility of deleting my posts. Id rather lose imaginary internet points than be the one that brought a pack of idjits to your doorstep. But please. This is a nice community modded and populated by nice people. Lets keep it that way. DA STORY February 1, 2020 Ahhhh. February 2020. Life is good as far as everyone is concerned. Apart from that one time where Kevin tried to call the military cops on me for assaulting a superior (were the same rank, in different chains of command, let alone different branches, and were fighting voluntarily in a sanctioned, supervised match), we had no more complaints filed against us at the HOA office. He had to undergo plastic surgery, but that’s mostly because his pre existing condition of a deviated septum was exacerbated when i TKO’d him by slamming my palm on his nose and breaking it. The whole world would change in a few weeks, but at this time, Corona was still just another new and exotic thing that doom and gloom tv pundits wouldnt shut up about. As i mentioned before, i am mixed race: mixture of German/Italian/Scottish/Irish and Hasidic Jew ethnicities on my mum’s side, and a mix of 3 Asian ethnicities: Chinese/Japanese/Korean on my dad’s side with Chinese being the predominant one. As for visible appearances, im over 5 foot tall, slight build, dark brown hair, and slightly slanted gray coloured eyes. My eyes, lips, and my cheekbones are somewhat Asian, while there’s enough “white” on the rest of my appearance to make someone think twice if im just a really fair skinned Asian, or a white chick squinting and blinded by something. Why is this important? As a result of my super melting pot heritage, there’s only enough Asian in me that i only look Asian to someone who doesnt know me while im wearing certain outfits, or if i choose to do so. This is a fact pointed out to me that while being a technical minority, i never had to endure the true hardships of what its like to be in a disadvantaged group. I had the safety of benefiting from having the physical appearance derived from a hybrid heritage as a “safe haven” from bigotry. Until the following happened. We were at a Chinese cultural centre celebrating Chinese New Year. I went to the event wearing my favorite cheongsam dress. Nothing special about it, you see Chinese women wearing it at formal events all the time, but im in full cultural regalia and had my Asian on. Milena, my partner, couldnt get in while wearing Chinese cultural attire and had to change into a white people outfit despite me giving the Shaolin bouncer, who trained for 30 years in the mountains under a waterfall in the art of “punch-a-hole-in-your-chest-and-rip-your-still-beating-heart-out-making-you-wonder-why-theres-a-sudden-draft-in-your-thoracic-cavity”, the head nod and going: “She’s with me bro. Be cool, ayt?” I jest, i jest. It was a fun time. Plenty of delicious food and i get to have my fill of real proper and delicious soup dumplings and szchezuan style red snapper. Plenty of little kids going around running to adults and yelling “Kung Hey Fat Choi! (Happy New Year)” and us giving them blessings and the little red money envelopes we brought. We got to see a lion dance. No, there wasnt a single actual lion dancing. Its a bunch of grown up dudes who dance and jump up 5-10 foot tall playforms while wearing and carrying a two person lion costume. Its pretty impressive actually. Go look up lion dance examples on Youtube if you want. The problem started when we got home. DA PROBLEM (Im running out of original ideas for titles) We were already in our neighbourhood and pretty close to our home. As we were approaching our home, we just barely noticed in time that the road is blocked by a double parked car. Imagine your standard residential street. On both sides of the road are vehicles parked on the street. This normally two lane road is now reduced to a one lane road. On the lane ahead of us was a car that was double parked. The car was off with no lights on either. With it being winter, a snowstorm actively raging + poor street lighting leading to near zero visibility, the roads slick from built up snow, its a miracle i didnt rear end this grayish/silver coloured Fiat. I had already downshifted to the lowest gear, and I had to pump the brakes while my other hand was ready to engage the e-brake, swearing under my breath the whole time. This is the point where i should have stayed put and just called the neighbourhood towing services while driving around to find alternate routes to get home. But i didnt. My gamble on people being rational ended up being a bust, and you now have this train wreck of a story worthy of a Jerry Springer episode. I got out of the car and noticed that there was a woman sitting in the driver’s seat. I knocked on her window and politely asked her to move her car so i can pass. She slightly rolls the window down and says: “Just go around me!” I told her this was not possible. My car is a Toyota 4runner, refitted for true off roading, and there’s no way it could squeeze through the gap left by her shitty double parking job without hitting cars on either side. I asked her if she can at least move and give me enough space to squeeze through safely, or better yet, park in one of the open street side parking spots available just a few steps away. In response, she just goes: “i told you, just squeeze through!” and rolls the window back up. Now, im pissed. I whip out my phone and take a picture of the driver and the license plate. I was intending on calling the towing service and sending a notice to the HOA. This is when i notice that the back of this car doesnt have our neighbourhood stickers. I go up to her window as she was just opening her door to get out. Bitch: did you just take a fucking picture of me? Did you just fucking take a picture of me? Me: yeah i did. You dont live here. So youre actually trespassing. And you dont have any expectation of privacy in such an open space. So now youre in the wrong on both counts. Im only going to ask you one last time to move your car, or better yet, get off the subdivision before i call the cops on you for trespassing. Bitch: (sounds like she was just waiting for me to finish talking) you fucking bitch! Delete👏that👏picture👏now! You fucking monkey! i was pulling up my camera app to record her public freakout when she swiped at my hands causing my phone to tumble into the snow Milena has gotten out of the car and was approaching us as soon as our body language changed. She came close just in time to hear this “lady” call me a “fucking monkey.” Milena: what the fuck did you just call my wife? Dont tell me you actually did cus thats a fucking hate crime! Bitch: you heard me. I called her a fucking monkey! Fucking monkey! Fucking monkey! Fucking monkey! You fucking people go back to Asia and do your pussy eating there! And take your fucking Corona back with you! My partner LOSES it. It took me all my strength wearing heels, standing in snow and ice, to restrain her from going after this woman. At the same time, Bitch was also trying to get at Milena so i had to free up one hand to keep her away. Everyone was yelling and screaming at this point. One of our neighbours, Todd, happens to be in his garage. He comes out and investigates what is all the commotion about. Did i mention he’s also of African ethnicity? As soon as i saw him, i called out: “Hey! Can you get her (referring to Bitch) off of me?” Bitch: wait what? Did you just assume he’s my friend because were black? Yo! Hey! Help! Anybody! This fucking (anti asian pejorative word, similar in context to the english words “chink” or “gook”) just called me a n123er! It was at this point that Todd decided to slap her that caused her to shut up but continue fake crying. ENTER STAGE LEFT, KEVIN AND KAREN THEMSELVES They were both talking, demanding whats going on and wrestling Bitch away from Todd at the same time. [They were both dressed in nice clothes, so im assuming they were headed for a night out with this mystery racist] Bitch: this asshole (points at me) called me a n123er and then this other fucking dyke (points at Milena) slapped me while this f123ot traitor (points at Todd) held me down! Karen: what the fuck? Did you fucking call my daughter a n123er?! We dont fucking do that here you fucking monkey! (Nature vs nurture theorists, here’s a case study for you). Fucking go back to China and go fucking spread your diseases there! Kevin: (walks up to Milena and with hands up and forward, appears to try to shove her but loses his balance in the snow). If you ever hit my child again, or disrespect anyone in my family, i swear to God, I will kill you!!! Now is my turn to be held back by Todd this time. I dont remember saying these exact words, im only repeating them verbatim based off how Todd repeated them to me. Me: you’re fucking trying to have a go at my wife?!? I just fucking kicked your ass last Christmas and now you want seconds?! What, are you fucking insane or just fucking stupid? IM not afraid to die! Ive killed pieces of shit who are still better men than you! For work! How many fucking people do you imagine you’ve killed while driving a desk, hmm? You fucking touch my wife or threaten her again and i will kill you for free!! Then ill rip your dick off and beat your wife to death with it! Fuck it, let me go Todd, ill make her (pointing to Bitch) an orphan right now. cringgggeeeeee Yeaaahhhhhh. I know. Even I am cringing as i was typing that. I cant believe i said those. Seriously hope that Todd was fucking around with me, but i know i tend to go high order when provoked in just the sweet spot. The words are already said, and once its out in the wind, theres no way for me to make people unhear what i said and stuff the words back in my mouth. 10/10 would NOT recommend doing anything like that. One of the moments im not quite so proud of myself. Its not an excuse, but i only have 2 triggers that i know of: when someone presents themselves as a valid threat to my loved ones, my family, or my troops, either through words or actions, and when i get dehumanized to the point that im not even a person anymore but just another statistic in whatever subset of society that they hate. This messed up family struck Bingo! on both counts. I know its unprofessional and having a temper in the military, let alone as a leader, is a huuuge problem, and i am currently working hard (with good results) to fix that. 😅 While this is happening, Todd’s wife is standing outside their garage and calling the MPs. They tell her they dont deal with “domestic spats” even if its involving military personnel, instead call the civillian cops, and hangs up on her. Cops come with bells and whistles 30 minutes later. By this time, more people/neighbours had gotten involved and managed to separate both parties. Everyone had calmed down, we were hanging out at Todd’s garage, K&K + crotch goblin went back to their house, and were all just waiting for the cops to come. Cops split up and go to take both parties’ statements + witness statements. Obviously, this is not gonna be a he said she said scenario. There are plenty of witnesses willing to testify as to what happened and the words said. The problem is that there isnt any witnesses for the beginning of the confrontation. That’s when i remembered that i have a dashcam in the car and i left the car running when i initially got out. I asked for the cops permission for one of them to accompany me. I drove us to my house where i got changed into something warmer, grabbed my laptop, and plugged the dashcam’s SD card in it. We went back to Todd’s place to play it in front of the other officer and you could clearly see by Bitch’s body language that she was the original belligerent party. Whats more entertaining was that her voice was loud enough to be captured by the camera’s microphone when she yelled the “Go back to Asia you fucking monkey!” line at me. Todd also admitted that he was the one who slapped her but it was more of a “hey wake up!” slap instead of a real one. He demonstrated using me as a dummy, that while holding Bitch around the waist from behind, there’s no way he could have attacked her with a real slap. This was again, supported by the dashcam footage. The cops left when we told them were not willing to file charges and it would be a waste of tax money for them to pursue a “trivial” domestic disturbance, but i want copies of their write ups and their contact info in case the obvious liars cooks something up. I immediately regretted that decision the next day i came to work. DA DAY I CAME BACK TO WORK Monday. 03 February, 2020. I walk into work and find several messages handed to me by my assistant. In growing urgency, they were all along the lines of: “REPORT TO THE BOSS RIGHT MEOW!” I had a feeling what this is gonna be about. I walk up to the boss office, salute, announce myself, seek permission to enter, and stand in front of his desk. Without being told to relax and have a seat and talk to me like an equal, which is customary for personnel at my level, my boss formally informs me that a charge has been filed against me, a trial is most likely going to be held once current investigations are finished, that he has a list of JAG attorneys that can represent me, and that if i have anything to say for myself, now is the time say it. Quickly but concisely, i laid out the facts as it actually happened to him, even mentioning that i have a copy of the cops’ write up, my dashcam SD card as evidence, and that military police hung up on our neighbour who called them in the first place. The Boss was nodding throughout this and simply said: “That’s what i thought, im afraid. Unfortunately, id still have to take you off of any leadership positions you’re holding until we clear this up. Take the rest of the week off, but contact this JAG lawyer first before you go and do whatever she tells you to do.” I did as The Boss told me to. I contacted the JAG lawyer through our secure lines and she simply asked me to write my own version of events and the original SD card from my dashcam and have it couriered to her. I turned over the running of my daycare centre for wild and wanton man whores to my second, and left for home. I went back to work the next week and i was puzzled as to what happened since i was expecting to perform a hatless dance in front of my peers and subordinates. I never heard anything from the MPs, my boss, or anyone else. When i asked my boss about it the next week, my boss simply told me that it was a “misunderstanding” and they werent actually investigating me. The following i was not present for but i learned through the grapevine. -all charges and investigations against me were dropped as soon as they saw what was in the dashcam and in my statement. -turns out that Kevin is a bit henpecked from what it sounds like as well. Several rumours run that all the complaints filed against me at work, that happened in a personal context/setting, were initiated not by another soldier, but by a civillian closely associated with the soldier. Go connect the dots on that one. -during this time, anti Asian sentiment was heating up because of Corona virus. There has been several reports of unprovoked attacks on visible (Asian) minorities and the voices of order were having none of it. No sane investigator would prosecute an Asian woman, who it turns out was actually the victim of a hate crime. This is important to mention because for the past several years, the attitude and culture here has been slowly shifting to focus and correct the injustices done to people of African descent. As a result, more and more videos and incidents are emerging of African descent people having public freakouts and getting away with it despite being wrong because they uttered the magic words: “is it because im black?” You make a big and public enough issue centered around being black, and people will back off regardless of whos right or wrong. This is NOT my opinion, but this is the public sentiment. I dont agree with it, as there are still a lot of injustice that needs to be corrected, and you can see the potential for abuse and misuse in ANY example of correction of flawed historical public policy/beliefs but the attitudes of the other side when in the wrong, or the belief that these improvements sweeping the country is an automatic “get out of jail free” card for valid offenses isnt helping either. -Kevin turns out to have been the star of his own hatless dance party. Once they proved that he was falsely accusing me and Milena of assault and racial attacks, and that him and his kin were the ones throwing racial and homophobic slurs all over the place, he was charged with all the military versions of those offenses + conduct unbecoming and misappropriating public resources (for filing false reports and making false sttements. More on that later). He admitted guilty on all counts in a trial and had to: be suspended from work with no pay for 6 months, pay a fine and hefty pay reduction for 6 months after that, with all records being expunged from his service file on 5 years + 1 day after he has carried out all the punishments. -it also emerged that Karen was present at his trial and broke down crying and freaking out at his bosses when he was pronounced guilty. She had to be escorted out of the base and driven back home after being dosed with a sedative by a medic. Karen ended up being the breadwinner for their household for 6 months while Kevin was reduced to earning peanuts. Since her MLM and “fitness lifestyle” influencer job was mainly catering to military spouses, her clientele quickly diminished as soon as word of their misdeeds spread around. Another result of this Rube Goldberg-esque turn of events was that Kevin it turns out, has been conniving with a local office supplier company and has been taking some pretty creative liberties with his unit’s purse. Policy for public procurement is that everything has to go through a fair and competitive bidding process where service providers and suppliers get a fair shake at hawking their goods and services. With some exceptions, the policies for procurement can be skipped, like say, if theres no other competitor available for that particular product/service, or the need for an item/service is urgent, the bidding process is always followed to the letter. Being a morale and welfare and procurement officer for his unit, Kevin managed to get himself in a whole another world of trouble by conniving with several suppliers into engaging their services in exchange for some personal “perks”. Kevin’s Unit is hosting a Christmas party and giving away door prizes and holding raffles? He skipped the bidding process and sales/promotions review and went straight to the local electronics store. He goes and buys all the electronic prizes from them, and in exchange gets to walk away with a brand new PS4 Pro and a Home Theatre bluetooth sound bar as a “lucky customer” who won their “random” draw. Office running low on supplies and may need replacing some office equipment? Kevin goes to a local office supply shop and gives them the business. In exchange, his wife gets to “test” out a brand new high end gaming/office chair and keep the product for “free” after posting a review about it. He may have turned out to have chosen the better deal, but the fact that he skipped the appropriate procedures and personally benefited from those misdeeds is what got him in real trouble. Its actually the office supply shop that opened up this can of worms for him. With the wolf of economic disaster created by COVID hungry and at the doorstep, the proprietor of this business phoned his unit and asked if they need any more office supplies or upgrades to their equipment. With Kevin being suspended from work, there was no one to keep a lid on things. His replacement was puzzled and surprised. “Whaa? Youre not in our system sir. In fact, our system shows that we have always gotten our supplies from X company, the one that won the bid and weve always used. When did you say we ordered from you and for how much?” I feel pretty comfortable sharing this bit of gossip. Its a pretty open secret by now at our base that some Air Force dude just flushed his career down the toilet and has a pack of investigators and financial detectives waiting till he comes back to work so they can dissect his life and spending, and work it over with a fine toothed comb. And that he just managed to get a slap on the wrist from getting into trouble, and that there’s no way he will simply get another wrist slap from this one. Right now, all is quiet. There is that one odd time when we saw Kevin disassembling and cleaning what looks like a gun in his backyard. Turns out it was a very realistic looking M4 style air rifle. As a result, both Milena and I have applied for permission from the local representative of the government to carry personal firearms. We dont take well to threats or implications of a threat. Were still awaiting for permission to be granted but believe me when i say we have been upping the intensity of our sparring sessions. I am hoping it doesnt come down to that, but were ready if it does. In fact, i dont want it to escalate any more. Im sick of it. Personally, i believe it wont come down to that. Ive been in plenty of fights and spent enough time at 2 way ranges. I know what people who trully intend to use a firearm for its lethal purpose look like. They dont go around brandishing a gun and threatening to use it, before actually using it. People who fully intend to use a gun actually go ahead and use it from the get go. But on the other hand, i wont let intimidation tactics make me cower and unhappy in my own home either. Milena and I love hosting parties. Before COVID shut gatherings down, we just wrapped up a weekend by being the final stop for a small hen party. Everyone had fun in the hot tub and had a safe place to go drink and sleep. Our neighbours have also come to love our summer barbecue shindigs. I can grill a mean steak and my surf and turf platters are just raved about. We both kind of are the unofficial mothers in our respective units. Whenever a new soldier or airman gets posted to our unit, we throw them a welcome party in our home. We continued and brought that tradition to our new home. Right now, im renovating my basement to be a retro style games room with vintage PacMan, PinBall, and other arcade game machines in one corner, a shelf full of board and card games, a full service mini bar, and a computegames room in our library. Were also planning on getting a pre fab shed and repurposing it into an axe throwing shed. We want our home to be a friendly base camp for any weary/homesick soldier, sailor, or airman that we have come to love and treat as our own siblings, or in some cases, children. No amount of intimidation will stop that from happening or take that away from us. Well, COVID probably would if this shite doesnt get any better. For now, this is the end of the Kevin and Karen saga. Lets hope there isnt any more. Especially since the last time i checked, i was ahead and winning. 😂 PS Sorry for the late post, i typed Part 1 and Part 2 in one go with the intent of publishing them one after the other. I had to put posting Part 2 on pause because I had to do some fact checking with some people to make sure im not recalling shit improperly. PPS Welp. Apparently i suck at messing with people. My one and only attempt and i sucked at it. Sorry for the links, its all Rick Astley links. I was trying to call induce a laugh but foiled tremendously because of that stupid ass thumbnail. Im so dumb. Im sorry. I suck. Ill go ahead and send myself to the time out corner. PPPS This is so dumb. Ill just strip the links. Thought it would be funny. Sorry folks. I got Rick Rolled by my own attempts to Rick Roll you guys. 😭
2020.09.09 20:02 uglytruthshurtsUntold Advice for Women about Creeps:
To start with: females CAN creep on guys, but as a male, I cannot read women's train of thought and can only speak from a male perspective on how males, however, CAN creep on women; and yes, we all know, men creep and stalk more than women do. Hello, reddit! Here's my short introduction; I'm a male in a serious relationship, between my partner and I, we are on one of the more attractive sides of physical appearance for lack of better terms. In real life and online, there is an endless slew of people who completely disregard the fact that we are not only people, but that we are together; and anyone that's following this understands where this is going; when one is desired, third-parties are always looking for an opening, some vulnerability to intervene and get between you and your(me and my) significant other. So, in essence, this post is mostly for Females, and possibly for Males who are actually in committed relationships; especially those in relationships where other men actively catcall, pursue or attempt to get closer in a boundary-stepping way. A lot of women are getting blurred and foggy signals of the difference between a "nice guy/friend" vs. a "creep/stalker". Note that, as a male in a relationship, it is also your job to help your partner notice these interactions. Studies show the more serious your relationship is, the more focused she is on you and is less likely to catch on to red flags from other males trying to swoop her downright outward creep, or the subtle stalker that follows for extended periods of time. In my experience, spotting a creep is based more on experience than simply just what you could google and read "signs that he's a creep". Though Ive never seen a post where the males line up all the Q&A about what guys do vs. accusing females of being overtly shallow and superficial about their own dignity, integrity, and body. Endless posts of creepy guys online asking on Quora & Reddit and everywhere they can "what makes a guy creepy?" Or "why do women think guys are creepy?" Or any other combination of the words I just used. All defensive, and immediately creepy to have to question oneself on their habits to find conformation bias in strangers. Although you know even in the guise of online anonymity, creeps are never going to reveal the creepiest thing they do, just look at the list others made and check off what they do, what they don't. They'll self-judge and still deem themselves non-creepy because creeps don't get laid right? "There's no way Im a creep. I deserve to be loved like anyone else..." Wah wah wah Men are as manipulative as they claim women are. Men are impulsive, they will interpret everything you do to find opportunities to either get laid or attention. They'll even read this post in hopes that there's some creepy guy behavior advice that they should try avoiding in hopes that it makes them less creepy and more desirable because it's going to be public information when this is posted. Sorry for the long-winded start; the setting of a story to be told, or just to get you to understand the severity of how creeps work, it's not as simple as a couple sentences. The ability to spot a creep, is as simple as, think of that one thing you know you shouldn't do, but all the other thoughts that followed. All the BAD, DIRTY, DECEPTIVE thoughts. (Kinks & Fantasies should be reserved for your S.O.) Even if you never acted on them, you thought about it, that is your key and guide. Once you recognize and become aware, you can easily notice those same tendencies in others when THEY act on it. The use of guilt, coercion, blackmail, indulgence, intoxication, suggestive language, persistent to the point of assault and harassment, using negative emotions to sway someone your direction isn't just creepy but immoral For example: my friend's mother passed. He wasn't too shaken up, and he's definitely not a good looking guy, but he did use her death to prey on women at bars who were too tipsy to realize his intent &&& Let's Start with Basic Initiation: -Creeps will always present themselves as a nice, normal guy. -They will immediately try and become friends, especially close, "know personal details" close -They'll poke at you until they find something you tolerate and stick with that (because they're not really interested in you, just getting positive reception so you think better of them) -They'll mention your friends or your family instead of you -They'll call you a different name to create some "special bond" in their head between you two -They say they arent attracted to you when they are -They say theyre okay with just being friends and still hangs around often -They will talk about other girls constantly to get the "I'm a better girlfriend for you" spirit -They always mention sex or your physical appearance or your friend or family member -They will always fool themselves to believe every conversation will have you show some sign of interest in them -They add you on everything from snapchat, instagram, even asking your number -They start making little connections between you two without even dating or being good friends -They continue to talk/message you daily, or just very often even when you show no interest, besides a "hey" or "thanks" -If they have a single photo of you saved/screenshotted to their phone then bail and dont look back. Feeling attractive is fine, but you shouldn't have to acknowledge that either a friend, or an acquaintance is probably beating it off to your picture every day, especially if you're in frequent contact such as friends. Guys, there really is no reason to screenshot and save women's pictures unless personally given, not "shared" in a group message or chat or from social media or anywhere else. There's porn and anything you can look up. Staring at ever girl in the neighborhood is creepier than wanting to bang a porn star in your room. &&& If they're Your Friend: -They brag about knowing you -They compliment your appearance when uncalled for or awkwardly -They have multiple saved photos of you -They take pictures of you without you knowing -They know everything about your schedule -They like or comment / talk to you / pay careful attention to your social media more than you do -Thinks every guy you talk to is a threat if they dont reach their impossible standards -Doesnt care to get to know your significant other -Specifically focuses on you when during conversation -You and your S.O. have a schedule of your own, a friend that is creeping or liking you more is going to find a way to get involved in some sort of schedule to regularly come into contact with you -Dramatizes over things you like together or past experiences -If you feel like you cant share specific information with your S.O. because it would upset them, that friend is a seed of toxicity -Talks about you, your life, relationships and such to other friends or total strangers -They play pity parties believing your genuine concern and care for them is a spark of romantic interest -Asks about your sex/romance life. Unless its your best friend you trust more than the world, never let someone know information that should always be private between you and your S.O. communication with each other is vital as the influence of others is the downfall of all previous ideals -They try to have a secret relationship, even a friendly one, behind your S.O's back -They compliment you often; friends bring each other up, but friends also criticize each other. If someone is creeping, they'll kiss ass, flatter, say every word in the dictionary thinking the right one or phrase will win your love -They message/talk to you every day, unless once again, it's a best friend you trust with dark secrets. -Your friend has their own life too, you are not their caregiver or caretaker. If they act like you owe them anything besides friendship, cut the ties. &&& How to Know if you're Dating One -Needs to know everything before you're ready to tell -Does things you don't like intentionally -The sex doesnt feel meaningful -Wants pictures, recordings, the nitty gritty even if you don't want to -Stares at other women and makes comments -Threatens you with verbal abuse, or physical abuse -You cant have a single guy friend or maybe friends in general -Compares themselves to others often -They brag about being with you -They share a picture or any private details about you -Makes comments about sleeping with your friends or family -Has a mysterious past and convenient stories -Actively watches porn still and the contents of it are not performed between you two -Talks negatively or missing details about their past so much that it almost feels intrusive to want to know more -You cant figure out why you like them -They watch what you do -They dont trust you -They victimize themselves -They always make you feel guilty -In basic essence, if you date a creep, they are extremely controlling, they cherish the relationship to the point of surreality and abusiveness. The emotions aren't reciprocated, there is a lot of manipulation around private information or photos or recordings. If you're dating a creep, you're giving them their happy ending every day while living a nightmare with no freedom for yourself. &&& Spotting Creeps: -It seriously isn't the easiest thing in the world. A lot of times you don't realize how much someone is a creep until they're closer than you wanted. So pay attention to that person who always seems to be a little too into whatever youre doing -Creeps are ALWAYS interested in your sex life, no matter what! They'll ask details, even playfully sometimes, but they have only one motive. To fantasize -They always seem like friendly normal people, and in truth, they can be. That doesn't separate the fact that everyone is capable of a hidden agenda or a calculated plan -Guys in this generation are not as forward as they used to be, at least not in healthy mannerisms past catcalling. They are more subtle, deceptive, and have more aesthetics than the generations before. -Theyll know details about you and bring it up as if it's their own interest to make it look like you instantly have something in common. -They always remember dates and consider everything little thing you do with them to be of the utmost importance in the memory bank. -They ask questions, you might say a little at first to get acquainted...but then they'll ask more. Where did you go to school, wheres your home town, whats your number? Narrowing down down to where you live so they can keep an eye on you themselves. -Watch the show "You", its a decent series that definitely shows the elevated level of stalking that is capable with today's technological standards. Also shows how deluded their reality is and how they misinterpret everything you do as an act for them. &&& How to Avoid Creeps: -Spot them before you let them make you their "damsel in distress" -Threaten them with legal or police action if they overstep -Set them up with a fake person -Tell them straight up no, make it clear and dont piss them off or they'll obsess over you -Block them from everything -Let your friends and family know -Let your significant other handle the situation -Creeps are just the worst, they're impossible people, they will always hold on to a deluded sliver of a reality chance that you'll catch feelings if the winds just blow their direction. The only real way to get rid of them is forget they exist and if they ever show up unannounced: 911 is right there. Now ladies, let's remember that we are in a dangerously new world where we have a diverse set of people. The development in technologies changing the way things are done in courtship and dating. It went from writing letters, asking parents to take their daughter out, sending little notes in class, physical teasing, then phones and text messaging. Not just asking for the house landline phone number, but cell. Then MySpace, internet profiles, to "sliding into dms", to snapchat, tinder and dick pictures. There's definitely things in between and things that came before but as you can see, the contact is becoming less meaningful and more superficial. People look for convenient ways to "find their soulmate"; patience in life and holding virtues to a standard is a dying belief. It's at a point where the idea of "love at first sight" has become a twisted idea of compulsive stalking on social media. Love isn't quick, it comes when you're ready for it. It cannot be forced, it just exists. It can't be found just sleeping with others and hoping to get a spark of emotion. It definitely isn't just a physical attraction neither. Unfortunately we live in a glamour world where sex media is able to be accessed easily and people are growing up believing in Hollywood movies - for lack of better words. Men objectify women, and sex media around the world doesnt help the case, it only gives creeps and feeble men the idea that they'll get a 10/10 hottie if they can force feelings. Sorry about this! Its basically an overview and summary. If you asked me, "do you actually believe all this?" I would say "damm right, yes!" I am no saint, but I am no creep either. I've been the guy who's unintentionally been with my friend's girlfriend, I've broken tens of hearts of women, I've been the nice guy, the tool, the simp. I get along with almost anyone and they spill me secrets. In my experience and life, this template specifically for creeps will keep you sane. I've seen things happen with others and have been the problem myself. Don't misinterpret signals, don't think it was a small mistake, guys don't do anything they don't mean. I'm happily with my significant other. I'm 28 (M). Before the assumptions, the past I have in experience with this type of thing, I've never creeped, you can catch yourself and stop yourself before doing anything. Its just knowing right from wrong and letting the world fall into place. Like I said before, when you catch/stop yourself and do everything right, it's a lot easier to see the creeps who follow through and act completely. Just because you can manipulate someone, never means you should manipulate anyone. To all the creeps, find some peace. To the ladies, and guys in committed relationships, stay safe. Thanks for reading. If you have any other pointers for spotting out creeps, go ahead and post them! If you want to talk about it, let's do it!
2020.09.09 13:20 fuckhead4206995What are realistic benefits from NoFap?
I have a few questions really... I'm curious what are realistic expectations with NoFap. I've heard of guys claiming almost God like powers of extreme confidence etc. which has kind of become a meme on the internet. I'm curious about NoFap, but I don't buy into that stuff specifically. Also is NoFap aimed at men who genuinely have a porn addiction, or basically any man who watches porn. I've never thought of myself as an addict, especially since I personally feel like compared to most men I actually have a relatively low sex drive. That being said, I struggled with depression and anxiety for about a decade, and still have lingering social anxiety, and body dysmorphia. All of this has added up with me still being a virgin, and I turned 30 a couple weeks ago. I'm desperate to no longer be a virgin, but I'm not interested in just hooking up, and I realize I'm still not mentally prepared to seek women out since I'm not confident in myself. So i'm wondering if NoFap could significantly benefit me even if I don't necessarily have a legit addiction to porn. i mean, i might, i just don't personally see it tho. not sure what counts as addiction, cuz i could certainly abstain from porn for a long time if i was determined. but one thing i wont do is delete my PH account ever again. so maybe that alone counts as an addiction? i dont want to delete it because I have such particular tastes and it takes me a long time to find videos i like; therefore, i rewatch videos more than i search for new ones. i deleted an account in the past and lost so much content. yes that was probably a good thing, but since i ended up going back eventually, it was a huge bitch to get my account to where it is today. so yes, i think i could abstain or even give it up eventually, but i still dont think i'd delete the account. but idk if that counts as addiction or not, or if it's just being overly cautious about something i shouldn\'t even be cautious about. for the most part my depression is under control from meds and most of my anxiety too. i just happen to still have mild social anxiety (it used to be severe) and i still have strong insecurities about my body. other than that i have basically zero motivation/ambition, and am constantly tired regardless of how much sleep i get or how well my diet is. so i wonder if this could be related, or if that is a stretch? does jerking off in general mess up your motivation and energy? or is porn mainly the issue? i mean i can see how porn would be bad given that it's a way to deal with not having a partner and an actual sex life, and can end up just being a replacement instead of going out and seeking a woman. so yeah, what are genuine benefits to NoFap that aren't just bs, or at the very least are considered common? i don't wanna necessarily say some claims are bs, because they might be true but just not necessarily a common experience. If I can see strong reasons for me to stop, I'll stop immediately. I won't even have a farewell to porn wank. No saying I wouldn't relapse as that seems quite common, but i'll do my best if there's a good chance it truly will better me. i suppose i technically relapsed in the past, but that was back before I had ever even heard the term NoFap. That was probably about a decade ago now, and my only goal was to kick porn. I didn't stop jerking off, but kicking porn made jerking off less frequent. the only reason i began watching porn again is because not only was i curious if i could manage to just rarely watch it, but i started thinking maybe it was dumb that i was trying to not watch porn. keep in mind this is before the whole NoFap thing was really a word people were throwing around. and some of my friends just thought it was weird that i tried to avoid porn 100% since it wasn't for religious reasons and i wasn't an addict. i just felt guilty about it, but i guess after being around enough people thinking it wasn't a big deal and porn becoming more normalized in modern culture, i fell back into it. so instead of walking on water and turning water into wine, what are the realistic benefits of NoFap for someone who, lets just say most likely isn't addicted to porn, and isn't desensitized in anyway? for example i never got into really fucked up porn or fetishes, and my view of women hasn't been altered. i don't see them as sex objects, and there are a lot of things in even your fairly standard porn that kinda gross me out. so this isn't about me healing from having an unhealthy view of women or unrealistic idea of sex. i guess im just curious what the negative impacts porn has even when you're not constantly watching it and watch stuff that is considered more "vanilla". sorry for rambling and basically repeating my question lol. just want to make sure im being clear in my question, because I feel like if you've got a fucked up view of women and are a porn addict, then there are a lot of obvious benefits to quitting, and i'm asking more so for someone who isn't necessarily addicted or into fucked up genres. Thanks in advance.
2020.09.08 23:02 500scnds[Table] My name is Paolo Cattaneo. 5 years ago I quit my job, sold everything I had and embarked in a trip around the world on a motorcycle. Rode for almost 185000 km. Still going! Here to answer question about self sustained living on the road and long distance solo travelling. AmA! (pt 3 FINAL)
What a wonderful story! I was wondering how much km you travel a day/ hours you are on your way? You really should start a YT channel with your adventures man, a guy on a motor driving through the world, and the lessons you learned, are definitely worth it!
Hello! I don't ride everyday. I did estimated an average of 200km per day though. More or less.
I will see what I can do with this yt thing. Thanks for the advice! 😊👍
Do you have plans on when this will end and if you intend on returning to work do you worry about the perception on this time by employers? I guess, I also want to ask if you have concerns about whether you think you could adapt to fulltime work again or you'd struggle mentally now?
Not sure if i can go back to a 9-5 life but I really don't care right now about future employment opportunities. I believe that the world is filled with lots of people with certificates and degrees and professional expertise...but there are not so many with unique life experiences. I hope employers will look at the individual more than the hours i spent behind a desk, when the time will come.
So are you going to end up in an even crappier job after abandoning all of your responsibilities like this?
Haha who knows! What I know is that whatever job you do...it is still a job. More money means more responsibilities but at the end of the day, a job is a job. It's the meaning that changes your life. It's the why you do what you do, that drives you. Not necessarily the job you perform. We all end up in the same place...so I will do whatever job makes me happy when the time comes.
Hey op... If you're still answering questions I'm curious as to...What do you do to entertain yourself when you're tenting every night? I can imagine there's much internet connection in the middle of nowhere in Canada. Read a lot of books or something?
Not answering questions anymore, but this is an excellent one, that deserves a reply. Well, if you are camping in the wild, definitely there would probably be no internet access. I usually write my thoughts and daily events on a notepad. It s hard to find time to do that, so when you are alone in your little tent waiting for the night to come, getting your thoughts out on a paper usually helps the catharsis. I am not much of a reader...but sometimes a good movie (i may have some stuff saved previously on hard drives or netflix offline) could kill the extra hour you get before falling asleep. I mean, usually it's just such a pity to ruin the silence with music and images...so most of the times i fall asleep as soon as I lay horizontally. Other times, the writing thing helps soothe the adrenaline of the day and calm you enough to fall asleep too. Sometimes organizing takes a bit of time or taking care of the bike can take some time as well.
This was one of my favorite AMAs. Thank you for doing this. Where did you stay in Greece and while in quarantine did you At least get to leave at all or were you confined to your apartment?
Spent 3 months in Crete! Amazing island! Government started to ease up the lockdown only after the first month. We did only had 7 cases in the whole island so i got a great deal with my choice of location! I managed to explore the whole island by the end of it.
the below is a reply to the above
That place is amazing. It’s one of my favorite islands in Greece. If you ever have a chance check out Milos and Naxos.
Yes! I almost went to Milos! And Naxos looked like a true paradise. You guys are blessed with natural beauty!
Wow I’m really impressed and inspired! I am currently planning a solo trail trip across the US, (and hopefully further) it’s been my dream for forever! Can you just break down for me a couple things? Ok, like what are some absolutely essential items you carry that most people wouldn’t think of? Besides the basics like fire starter, tent/tarp, thermal clothing etc. Next, how would you respond to a crisis or threat on the road that normally wouldn’t occur in a conventional lifestyle? Like authorities fuccin with you or wild animals attacking or something? One concern I have is that people may look down upon me for my lifestyle choice and use that as an excuse to treat me badly. I mean, some people already kinda do and I haven’t even left yet. (Even if everybody did I would still go cause HAHAHA fucc it) Anyway, another question-What is the best part of your travel lifestyle so far? I imagine it’s a lot of fun, (although still intensely difficult) and that tramps have found a lot of interesting ways to spend their free time. EDIT: AHH sorry one more I forgot! What are your favorite spots around the world but especially the US that you think are worth seeing? (any other tips/pointers/things to remember that you can think of are welcome too) THANKS
Ok, lots of good questions! There is no essential item to be carried that is the "magic stuff" that nobody has. Maybe Common Sense...yes. carry that with you and you ll be fine always. ;) In terms of tools, cable ties and duct tape...and I would say super glue. Everything else mate, you ll adapt or find your way around it. About crisis, like protests, riots, police messing with you...well sometimes you gotta just leave! Haha. I rode through some riots in Bolivia and I kind of snuck away...as smoothly as possible. I always use my helmet cam, as a deterrent for police. If they are trying to get some money out of you, the "I am recording you" effect sometimes could make them change their mind. Also, I would make plastified copies of your driver license and bike docs, just in case you find some dodgy road blocks on your way. In case they withheld your stuff, you can just leave without having them keeping you hostage with your papers.
Most of the times you'll be fine though. Those are rare occasions anyway. And so wild animal encounters. When I went to Alaska, a friend gave me a bear spray. Never use it. Just keep your food away from your tent. Again, common sense works better than any weapons.
My favourite spot in the US was Sequoia NP. But I really loved the high deserts of Nevada and also New Mexico. So much good stuff to see in the US!
The best part of this lifestyle is the fact that you are free to do whatever you want everyday... And this is also a huge advantage that comes only travelling alone. All those "haters" will disappear as soon as you are gone from their sight. Your life is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. Only people that have some personal issue will try to diminish what you are trying to achieve. Others will just project their fears to you. In any case, you gotta go your own way and be focused on what you are trying to achieve.
Was it expensive shipping your bike? Also any trouble getting into other countries crossing the border?
The shipping from Australia to South america was quite dear. I remember paying $2400 AUD. Not sure if it's expensive or not...but they did take care of almost everything. From Canada to Ireland instead i flew with Air Canada Cargo which had a special $1500 USD for the bike and myself. A bargain!! No troubles at the borders
How does it feel living life just visiting countries. No 9-5 whatsoever, no bills, no worries at all, just you and your motorcycle?
People say that Sex or food is the best feeling in the world. I think that Riding your motorcycle freely around the world, tops it all.
I cannot imagine myself traveling without internet access. Do you have worldwide roaming? Do you get a SIM in every country?
It's unthinkable nowadays to NOT have internet access. With local and cheap Sim card you can get data everywhere really and most countries in SA have sometimes free wifi around town and in gas stations. You'll be just fine.
the below is a reply to the above
Thanks for your reply! So I assume that with limited/spotty data, you were relying mostly on offline maps and navigation. Any tip on what's best for this kind of traveling and exploration?
there are some useful travel app like maps.me, gmaps and iOverlander. have a look at it. lots of good info.
I also have a 2013 KTM 1190 Adventure, but the R version. I also love my bike and stoked to hear how reliable it’s been for you! What repairs have you had to do along the way?
What repairs!! Haha bike has been exceptional. I only had to repair seals and moving parts (chain, sprokets, etc). Water pump seals have to be replaced around 85k km and i had a oil temp sensor failure at 140k km. Most people don't get that far with their miles...but if you do, make sure to check your water pump seals. Most parts are available in capital cities in any country. Others, you just have to have those shipped to you or plan in advance (for tyres for instance). Pretty doable overall.
What does a legitimate Italian pizza look and taste like compared to western pizza?
Italian pizza is better because of mozzarella and tomato sauce that they use when making it. Top quality stuff. Aside from that, pizza is good wherever. It depends also on how you like your pizza.
I hope to have the courage to also do something like this. What are some valuable things you’ve learned about solo travel? Things you wished you knew starting off.
We tend to overthink a lot of stuff that eventually never happen. We always have fears that stop us...but in reality, all those bad thought are simply possibilities that may actually never really happen. So, yeah...do more and worry less is certainly something I learned the hard way
Do you ever have any regrets?
Lately I have been good in that sense. But maybe one day I ll wake up and have some...for not chosing the standard path of the average guy with wife and kids.
Maybe a bit of a selfish question but do people in N. America have trouble pronouncing your name? My Italian-American husband and I named our 5 month old Paolo. We live in Brooklyn so most people around us don't have an issue but I am not sure what it will be like if we ever move somewhere else or when he starts school. Also it's a beautiful name and I'm going to make sure to show our son your photos when he is old enough to understand travel and places and different people. :-D
BEST QUESTION EVER! ahha
your son is going to have a tough time in an english speaking country! haha Jokes aside, the sound "Pao" doesn't really exists in english speaking people's head...so most of the time I get called Paulo...or Pablo. Which is fine to me. But the correct pronunciation is Pà-olo with emphasis on the first syllable. I switched to Paul many times...
But aside from USA, Canada, UK, Australia and South Africa, your son will be just fine!
Also make sure he knows the the origins of the meaning of his name. Paolo was one of the closest friends of Jesus. His real name was Sauro, which means "the greatest", but then, after befriending Jesus, he changed his name in Paolo, which comes from the latin word Paulus, that means "small, tiny". I am not religious, but Indeed this story tells a bit of the significance of being humble.
U/paolo_0 what about sex and romantic relationships- friendships too. Do you maintain any relationships? If so, how do you maintain them?
The romantic factor is almost inevitable when travelling so extensively. Eventually every traveller has a romantic affair with somebody that he/she met on the way. Weather is a local or another traveller, it is our natural tendency to mate, so...yeah. Kind of a tricky one! I personally tend to avoid to get into serious situations because my lifestyle is simply not compatible with conventional standards of monogamous relationships. The curse of the traveller is that you always have to leave...so it is counterproductive to get close to somebody and then drag that feeling for months, with you on the road. In my opinion it shifts the paradigm of travelling towards a specific and more visceral feeling of reuniting with a person that most likely is not going to be on your planned route.
Anyway, said this, i did have a long distance relationship before starting this trip and it sucked! Haha Hence I tend to avoid to make the same mistakes twice. But also...you can never plan when to fall in love. Sometimes it just happens and you gotta roll with it. It hurts and it may even change your plans. Eventually one has to choose between the new person and the continuity of your solo trip.
what country did surprise you the most (good or bad) with their roads? did you come to Portugal? what did you dislike the most
I loved Scotland! I had a great deal of luck with the weather...so that may have played a role. I did come to Portugal and it actually surprised me a lot!! Absolutely loved it! No wonder all retirees from europe want to move there! Algarve was spectacular. Loved Porto too.
Hello! First off, this is incredible, and a dream of mine. Unfortunately i'm an american with a crap load of college debt! I read your other answers and I just had a couple questions! 1. You mentioned your first night camping in a campground, and how it wasn't the best setting. As time went on did you just start setting up on the side of the road? or were there any other challenges finding camping spots when there wasn't a campsite hostile friends couch etc? 2. How safe did you feel when you were mostly alone camping in between citys/towns? Thank you so much for doing this AMA, hopefully one day I can do this!
Hey! I am aware of how the US system sucks you in a world of debts but... I hope you will one day break free from it.
After my first night camping, I switched to couchsurfing and hostels right away. I was terrified of camping! ahha Then, one day I found a spot that was too beautiful to leave. I was by myself and It was quite remote. The balmy temperatures, the starry night and the beautiful sunrise over the ocean made me reconsider camping. After few more attempts I found out that camping in the wild was waaay better than sleeping in a crappy hostel or at some stranger's home. More privacy, quieter and cheaper too! Luckily for me, I had lost my camping virginity in Australia, one of the best and safest countries for camping in the world in my opinion. You are by yourself most of the times. Half of my trip around Australia I slept on the side of the road or in the bushes. I became an expert in starting small fires and cooking with no utensils. I realized that the "danger" in terms of safety for me and my motorcycle was directly related to the amount of people around me. So, the more desolated the area, the safest. Cities are clearly the opposite. Thanks for your questions.
I've been following your IG for about a year now I think, and I'm totally jealous. You've answered a few questions of mine on there, but I've got one for this AMA. Has KTM reached out to you for any kind of buyback type of deal for the bike, or any "free" stuff? Are they even aware? Do they care? I mean you're doing great advertising for them. I think I read something not too long ago where a man had a million-mile Honda Goldwing that Hinda wanted to buy back from him for research or something.
Nope. KTM hasn't got in touch with me about bike endorsement. Saying this, tbe guys at KTM canada helped me a lot in servicing the bike while I was in Montreal.
KTM and Honda, or BMW have thousands of loyal customers that used their machines for long time. But they are not really obliged to reach out and saying "Thanks, here s a new bike". It would be a loss for them to give you free stuff.
What would you say is the key to happiness?
I believe that to realise that we are insignificant and that nothing is meant to come our way, is the paradigm that we need to have to improve our sense of happiness. I found out that our constant sense of being unaccomplished comes from the high expectations that society places in our mind. We need to get always bigger, better, more stuff...but in reality it's an ephemeral race against ourselves. When you realise that we are just a little grain of dust, floating in the universe and that we matter little or nothing at all in this universe, everything coming your way becomes a gift. I found out that having less makes me happier and less worried.
I am not sure if this is the KEY to happiness for everybody, but I believe that keeping your feet on the ground, helps a great deal.
Sorry if this is a stupid question, but what kind of bank account do you have? Is it one that can be used internationally? And have you had any problems with converting your money to the currency of whatever country you’re in? Also what kind of a drone and phone do you have? Do you use your phone for most of your IG pics or your drone?
I have citybank account and debit card that can be used internationally. I mostly withdraw money from ATMs and use paypal for online transactions.
Never had problems in converting into local currency.
I have a DJI Mavic Air and a Samsung Galaxy S9. I mostly use my phone for my photography, but these days, it is plenty in terms of resolution and image quality, if you share your content on social media. Occasionally I had some photos taken with a DSLR.
I have been following you on Instagram before. We have had very short conversations few times. Remember the dog which was chained all the times for more than a decade in the island in Greece? Any news from it? Do you plan on starting a patreon account so you can earn money on the way? And how hard is it now in the pandemic?
Hey there!! Unfortunately that dog is still chained there. I spoke with several dog rescue centers and they couldn't do much about it. Ignorance is not curable Unfortunately.
I am not sure. Should i start a patreon account?? Asking people for money? Mmm Not quite there yet.
In planning for the trip, do you think about and have a backup plan for medical emergency or if you are jailed in some remote location? For example, money to bribe you out of a situation at a border or caught speeding. Accident and hospital stay. Also, was language a major barrier during the trip?
Wow. Nope. Did not think about those things...haha but maybe I should have had! I do have a travel insurance that cover accidental hospitalization. Language wasn't a major deal breaker for me since i speak spanish and portuguese. Otherwise english is pretty common nowadays
Do you get lonely?
Sometimes. When I do, I use reddit. ;) Jokes aside, I actually appreciate the time when I am truly alone. Finding those moments is a rarity, these days.
I also quit my job and sold everything. For me, it was to leave Canada and move to Tahiti. Isn't it liberating and freeing to give everything up to start over? Its not easy to give up everything for a calculated risk. For some it turns out poorly, but for others, its the best decision they have ever made.
I've never seen anybody giving it a shot and turning out with something less. You always learn something about yourself...and it's always a great thing to clean up and start fresh!
Kudos to you, mate! You got sick waves there! ;)
Care to share your favorite recipe?
Thai papaya salad. Shred green papaya, 1 carrot, 6 green beans. Prepare dressing with fish sauce, teaspoon of sugar, garlic (a lot), chili (a lot), and maybe 3-4 lime juices. Add few dried small shrimps and few sliced cherry tomatoes if you want, to garnish. Add a handful of peanuts.
How do you carry/retrieve money? I know in the US and such you can just go to an ATM or a bank, but in South America was it easy to withdraw your money? Did you have to pay much in fees? And I don't know if it is appropriate to ask if you carry a lot of cash with you haha
It is the same everywhere in the world. there are bank circuits like MAESTRO or CIRRUS or VISA or MASTERCARD which are available worldwide. You can get money out of ATMs sometimes without fees if banks are affiliated.
Do you battle with a sense of purposlessness or dislocation?
I clearly felt a sense of lack of purpose when I was living my normal life. A job sometimes absorbs you but doesn't really give you a reason to live. After my travels I can say that I found a new meaning to my life. I don't think I have to procreate...of find a partner. I think solitude and this kind of life suits me and gives me purpose, better than the one I had before to be honest.
Hey man I REALLY love what you do and I'm thinking of doing the same. I live in Greece and the idea of travelling around the world like this gives me goosebumps. Can you share some hot tips that you wish you knew before you started?
Hey mate!! I love Greece! You guys have it good over there for riding! I wish I knew how little you really need to travel around. The secret is exactly to carry as little as possible. The lighter the better.
I've always wanted to do something like this, however it would be on foot. Do you think it would be significantly harder to do so, should I think about taking a car or bike with me?
One of my inspiration is this japanese guy that I almost met in Ushuaia. Incredible story. He walked...from alaska to ushuaia. 6 years. Unbelievable adventure and definitely made mine look like too easy! Haha Look him up on facebook! Masahito Yoshida
By your own experience, do you think it would be safe enough to do this as a solo young woman?
As I met several other solo travellers, including women, which share with me their personal experiences, I can say that it is indeed safe to travel alone as a woman.
What of your original motorcycle is left? Considering you would have undoubtedly had to have replaced bits
Bike is still in original shape and form. Replaced the windshield and some inner plastics. But most of it is still the same. Never touched the engine
How much did you pay for your motorcycle?
I bought it in December 2014. It was second hand. Had only 700 km on it though. Paid $19k Australian. You do the math in your currency. I saved for 8 months and sold my old bike to be able to buy it.
What about love? Do you sometimes feel like you would like to have someone with you on your trip?
Nah. I am good. I thought about rescuing a stray dog or cat a couple of times...
Did you ever read Jupiter's Travels, or meet Ted Simon?
Nope. But I heard it's a great book. He's one of the first guys that went around the world in modern times...
Why such a high performance motorcycle?
I just bought my dream bike. the trip came afterwards...and I just used the bike I had.
What do you want written on your tombstone?
I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean. No engraving required. ;)
I plan to go on a motorcycle adventure in South America in the near future and I have to ask: were you afraid at any point? I live in Brazil, which is a very dangerous country, I ride mostly in my own city but sometimes I find myself very afraid, and there are places that I don't dare to go. I often wonder how would I deal with these problems being thousands of miles away from home.
Yes mate. Brazil was probably the spookiest country I rode through in latin america. But danger is mostly concentrated in big cities, as you know... South america is pretty safe and generally speaking people will be more willing to help you than harm you. Do not worry too much. I was concerned about my safety too before my departure but then i realized that tv and news just gave me the wrong idea.
Haven’t seen this asked.... Do you carry a weapon? Have you ever been in a dangerous situation with thugs?
I do not carry weapons. I am against weapons in general, but being from Europe this is kind of the way we grow up here. I assume you are from the USA... But no, there is no need to protect yourself till the point you have to risk your life to do it. If somebody wants to take my stuff and has a gun, I will happily give my stuff to him/her. It's just stuff. I wouldn't shoot anybody anyway.
the below is a reply to the above
I am from the USA! We clearly have a stereotype if me simply asking about a weapon gives it away lol 😅 Im happy you haven’t been put in a situation with the wrong people. Thanks for taking the time to do this AMA. Your life is quite fascinating and I admire your ability to break from the norm and take such an adventure that this beautiful world has to offer :)
I hope you didn't take my comment in a negative way. I love USA and I've travelled throughout the country, other than living in it for few years. I met incredibly inspiring people and i ve also learned so much from your way of living. I do understand the reason behind carrying a weapon. It makes sense there. USA is a massive country and there is a sense of need of protecting yourself in many ways. In most of USA people grow up with weapons because...of hunting! It's part of the culture and I respect it. Considering also that you are allowed to carry a weapon and shoot for self defense in many states... But around the world we just assume nobody has a weapon...so yeah, it works either way.
PuggerHugger123: Are you still using your Australian license plate? Im assuming you might get issues at borders or weird looks from people in different countries. I live in europe and our license plates have a letter representing our country (as you have probably seen). I have also seen some non-EU license plates from eastern europe, but thats it... mccannisms: I was wondering this too - I was told to not bring my bike from Canada to Aus permanently as part of the roadworthy involves checking the frame by drilling into it and would possibly completely damage said frame. How does insuring a bike for international travel work?
Ok, I still have my NSW license plate on. People don't care. At the border they just check if the name on your bike papers is the same on your driver license/passport. If so, you are good to go. You can import ANY vehicle in Australia I believe as far as you owned the vehicle at least for one year. Then there is the inspection and everything, but if there is a similar vehicle already in the country, it doesn't need to be tested for "roadworthiness". As per insurance, you have to get one for every country you enter. Except EU where you get the "Green card" which is valid for all Eu countries.
A guy I used to work with Peter Corboy did this back in the 2000's. You know him?
Sorry, I do not know him.
Hey mate, really nice to read your story and the comments! I’ll be doing a similar thing in a few years, I was worried about going out on a brand new bike (Yamaha Tenere 700) absolutely love this bike but after hearing your story about going on a big ass brand new KTM you give me hope! I was worried about it possibly being stolen somewhere.. apart from parking it inside wherever possible do you have any other tips? Do you use disk lock/use a bike cover? And also.. do you not think your bike is a bit too big? Are you able to pick it up ok and does it ever limit some of the off road routes you may want to take? Really inspirational story mate.. it’s all I dream about, I’ve backpacked to like 65 countries and within the past few years realised overland motorcycle adventure is where the fun really is.. the freedom!
Hey mate, congrats on your bike selection. I've heard great stuff about the T7. About the "bike getting stolen" issue...it's not really a thing. Just be careful in big cities and if if you leave it parked with your belongings on it for too long. I mean...seriously just common sense. the 1190 is big and heavy but I managed. When fully loaded it floats around 300kg so yeah...not a walk in the park... but most of the times I was fine. Just sand riding gets hard. In case, make sure you always park inside the property where you stay at night and remove all your belongings from it, even if you decide to go for hard panniers (which I don't recommend). Unfortunately, if somebody wants to steal your bike there's very little/nothing you can do about it. But again, most of the times you'll be fine.
I guess this is more of a question in general rather than specifically related to your journey on the motorcycle. But how did you manage leaving behind family and friends to pursue your own lifestyle? Im a bit envious of the whole experience, but I also can't imagine living more than 100 miles away let alone living in multiple different countries and traveling the world. Was it difficult to do? Or did your family and friends support or need you in any way that wouldn't be doable with you travelling, or was it simply "this is what I want" and you go do it without much of a care?
It is hard to leave your family and lifelong friends behind to pursue a dream...but it is the price to pay for these kind of experiences.
Sometimes it s hard to be by yourself and to realize that you are alone, far away from people who love you and support you no matter what...but it is also a forging experience to be so exposed. It builds character and it allows you to become more independent, which is a key point for any kind of relationship in your life.
It is difficult and scary and all of the above. But it is a necessary process for personal growth and development.
Your family and friends will understand you...and support your choices if they truly love you.
Hey Paolo, great story and a wonderful thing to do! I also love riding trough different countries, and my big dream is it, to ride from Monaco di Baviera to SEA. So here‘s my question: how do you get all the permits for entering countries? Visa etc? Ever had any passport/visa issues? Especially with corona lockdowns? Ever entered somewhere over the green border? Do you have any kind of bike/health insurance? Have a good ride. Stay save! If you happen to be in Monaco, let me know for dinner and a bed:)
Cheers mate!! If you plan on riding to SEA from here, you will need a Carnet de Passage for your vehicle. Get in touch with the automobile club of your country for more info...but it is not cheap. Visawise, as german, you won't have any issues entering countries. Simply google "visa allowances german citizens" and wikipedia will tell you what to do and how to prepare for your trip. Never had any issues at the border so far. Only in USA maybe. Haha They didn't like the fact that I wanted to tour their country for more than 3 months. I have a worldwide travel insurance with worldnomads which covers me in case of hospitalization. Bike insurance have to be issue in every country you ride in. But i think in germany there may be a worldwide insurance for motorcycles too. You need to check there. Now with covid all travels are restricted. May have to wait a bit for your adventure.
How does your family feel about feeding and housing you with the money they work for while you go ride your bike? Did you think about them when you threw your financial stability away? Would you go back to work if they threw you out on the street? Did you know that in the eyes of an employer you lose your degree when you dont use it for 4 years? And, they also won't hire you for lesser positions because you are over qualified.
Thanks for your lovely question. I support myself for my travels and my family can take care of itself. I tried to send money back, but they seem to be fine without me. I do not need to be financially stable to be happy. I believe my family is ok to simply let me sleep in my backyard with my tent, in case they don't want me in their house anymore. Otherwise yeah. I may look for a job to pay rent...or a workaway experience. I do not want to work for an employer that diminishes my expertise because i decided to live my life instead of sitting in front of a computer for 4 years. I also do not have to go back to the same industry I was working before. Do i need a computer engineering degree to be a brick layer? I wont be so sure about the overqualified thing. I got hired as truck washer with my degree in engineering.
Hey man, what you are doing is cool. One small question, how about your life insurance? Since you are travelling to different countries, how do you manage it? Also, if you get a chance, go to India mate, it's one of the best things ever
You can get travel insurance with worldwide coverage. Worldnomads is one of the companies that provide this kind of service.
Not knowing your lifestyle b4 this adventure, What specifically did you notice you had to adjust immediately? Protein and water obviously but what did you find you were going to really need to keep going?
I actually noticed that i didn't need so much food to keep going. Water yes...but food intake could be minimized. When you don't have your 9-5 routine anymore, you can simply eat whenever you want...without fixed hours. In the long run you ll simply adapt to new food intake quantities which are usually less than a regular working man.
How do you go about servicing your bike? I change the oil in my bike every 6 months regardless of kms, sometimes its only does about 2000kms in between those services.
I service my bike every 7000km. sometimes even 10000km. but my bike holds 4kg of oil in the engine so it is quite a lot. like a small size car.
Ciao Paulo; Do you think there are too many people in the world, especially with this Coronavirus breakout and all these riots taking place? Thanks, Richard
There are a lot of people on this planet. Yes. Maybe it s not a matter of overpopulation but a matter of changing the way we create resources to sustain people and our world. We certainly need to "step our game up".
Which countries in the world have you visited thus far, at least a general idea, and which are you planning to visit? Good luck on your journey!
A map of my travels is visible on my profile here or on my insta.
"No mechanical or electrical issues in the whole trip." Seriously? That's amazing! Not a single mechanical issue?
Zero mechanical issues. I fried my engine oil temp gauge around 140k km...but that was an easy fix. Found it used online for 40 bucks and that was about it.
How safe do you feel on your adventure? Would love to do something similar but sounds difficult as a solo woman...
Please look on the internet. There are so many inspiring women out there travelling solo! Don't let misinformation deter you for chasing such a beautiful dream!
What were some of your favorite places? I'm currently on the panamerican highway with a van. Well done, mate!
Cheers mate!! Well well.. baja california is a dream! Ecuador and peru are also fantastic to be done in a van. Just make sure you get to go to Chiloe and Carretera Austral in Chile. Have fun !!
Hello Paolo did you plan to write a book about your experience? I would be first in line to buy it...
Reddit would probably be the first place I would advertise it to! Haha Not in my plans at the moment. Thanks for the encouragement though!
Have you ever been really scared that you've driven into a place where you could get robbed or worse?
Rode through a couple of favelas in Brazil...by mistake. And yes, eventually the thought of getting stopped and "questioned" crossed my mind. But fortunately nothing happened.
What is your favorite food you ate while traveling and what's the best place you have been?
I am a sucker for a good Chevice (raw seafood). Although it seems that the best chevice is Peruvian, I loved mexican one. I mean, I probably had the best one in Baja. Absolutely mind blowing.
Meat based stuff instead I have to say that Hornado in Ecuador can't be beat. Mouth watering stuff. And I am not a big fan of meat.
Have you had any negative experiences through your journey? (Violence, theft, etc)
Negative experiences were maybe 1% of the whole thing. Just lessons to be learned and move on, really. Nothing really too bad.
Did you get your tools back? The one's that were stolen a while back in Vancouver?
Nope. Had to buy new ones. Ouch
Did you record places you went? Photos, videos, journals, anything like that?
Yes. It's all on instagram. And youtube. check it out!
Wich Latin american countries did you visit? And wich was your favorite one?
Wich Latin american countries did you visit? And wich was your favorite one?
How did you manage to travel that far on a motorcycle without crashing?
I did crash! Mostly while riding offroad or on sand. Got footage of that too! Haha
Australian resident? Then you'll know what "pretentious wanker" means?
do you wear “riding gear” with pads, etc. when on the motorcycle?
Yes I do. But it's not absolutely necessary to do so. I rode around Australia with jeans and tshirt. Not safe, but yeah... The problem with not wearing protection is the "trip stopper" factor. Let's say you get into an accident. If nothing happens it's all good. But if you are wearing sneakers and not boots, you are most likely to hurt yourself. And that could stop your trip for a month or more. So, yeah. Not necessary, but definitely recommended
You put 180,000km on that KTM and had no mechanical issues?!?!?
I know right?!?! Incredible!
Have you ever been to Estonia, are you planning on it, if not?
I have few friends there actually. But now my biggest enemy is covid to be honest. I would love to visit!
Were you in Newfoundland, Canada June 2019 u/paolo_0 ?
Nope! I wish though!
What do you miss the most about “normal” life?
having a workout routine. I always relied on my physical condition to endure stress and fatigue...but with constant travelling I kind of lacked of physical exercise. I missed that for sure.
How painfull is your ass after a day driving?
I believe I have calluses now... Ouch
How do you deal with being lonely sometimes?
I chat with people. :) Sounds like a silly answer but...
2020.09.05 00:56 LoneRhino74Soooo disappointed with Kenny
I expected him to be prepared to start a life with Armando. You don’t have to do much searching on the internet to find out about homophobia in Mexico. Had you responded to the person that said some homophobic remark, you might have been physically hurt or killed. You are from Florida. WHY DONT YOU KNOW SOME USEFUL SPANISH PHRASES AND WORDS. I don’t live in Florida, but every time I’ve visite or had a layover at an airport....EVERY ONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. You are from Florida...surely, you’ve lived through a hurricane or two. I mean, Harvey, Andrew come to mind off the cuff. You never had water issues, toilet issues? You’ve never had to dump water into the bowl to make it flush. You claim to be a neat freak. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO USE THE TOILET AT A TACO STAND? When someone says “head meat” it’s meat....from the head. What else would it be? If you though someone was serving head meat, did you think it was penis meat? Kenny is an entitled passenger in this relationship. Armando deserves a better PARTNER. And wait to see what happens when Lady Truffles start coughing/vomiting/limping/etc. I doubt the local vet has an ultrasound/X-ray in house to diagnose her cardiac/abdominal/immune/neurological/musculoskeletal/etc disease. When It was announced that Kenny and Armando would be featured...I knew the shoe had to drop sooner or later. What else can one expect from these Americans. AND WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE SOMEONE IS HOLDING A TURD UNDER AREOLAS NOSE when she’s telling Biny that she doesn’t think she want to be with him after her mom leaves Ethiopia. Am I so used to all the Botoxed expressions (lack of) that all the frowns on Areola’s face seem so jarring. Fugly.
2020.09.03 22:59 the0privacyA response to TAJ’s stickied writeup
Hi there, some of you may know me from PTIO/Spite/other matrix servers, I’m friends with cn3m and am one of the people accused of spreading misinformation, etc. Some of you may know me for my “unique” discussion style but either way in this long form post I’m going to keep calm and present my thoughts. Some background on me, I’m a security researcheengineer and have been investigating platform security for just over 7 years now. I can’t prove that without doxing myself but it should give you a bit of a hint about where my perspective comes from. Alright so, TAJ talks about four main “anti-privacy armies” they are in order:
I’m going to ignore Brave as I 100% agree with his points, this combined with a massively splintered ecosystem of features means security updates take longer to be delivered to brave. (Sometimes upwards of a month, here’s the Brave CTO saying it’s ”typically about a week” . Ignoring brave we can start off the list with Apple. This isn’t going to be a post explaining why Apple is the best, etc, I’m only going to address the points TAJ has brought up.
He starts off by linking a Gist by iosecure , I think a lot of the points they bring up are valid, he seems to know what he’s talking about (with regards to Darwin internals, referencing JL’s work.. etc), well researched, but I have some real issues with his TLDR and some of the points he brings up. His argument boils down to 6 main points:
iOS subliminally and constantly collects sensitive data, links it to hardware identifiers almost guaranteed to link to a real identity
iOS does collect some information, specifically in the activation process, during app store purchases, Apple Pay purchases etc, but to say it “subliminally and constantly” collects sensitive data to me implies that it’s always collecting data, if you start up a phone and MITM the setup process you’ll see some information of concern being sent, such as UUID, IMSI, and so on. What people don’t seem to realise is this isn’t being sent for no reason, it massively screws over the stolen phone market, once you mark it lost or stolen it cannot be activated. In an ideal world sure you’d be able to opt out of this, but it’s a feature that works and I understand why it’s there. The information that Apple collects is solely related to your usage of applications and services inside it’s ecosystem, they do not store ”sensitive” personal information unless you decide to sync it with iCloud. The information Apple has can be used to follow you around their ecosystem yes, they know what you purchase, what in app purchases you make, Apple Pay payments etc. This information is collected for security and anti fraud purposes, and is a requirement of the issuing card provider (Mastercard in this case).
iOS forces users to “activate” devices (including non-cellular) which sets up a remote UUID-linked (also collecting registration IP) database for a given device with Apple for APNS/iMessage/FaceTime/Siri, and then Apple ID, iCloud etc. Apple ought be open to users about “activation” and allow users to avoid it.
This I’ll agree with, it does collect your IP address and your device UUID database, I don’t believe this to be a major issue, but yes in an ideal world we could prevent this.
Apple Activation servers are accessed via Akamai, which means sensitive data may be cached by Akamai and its’ peering partners' which includes many global ISPs and IXPs
This is also true, I don’t believe this presents any inherent risk, Akamai handle the distribution of some of the Apple cloud services, but they’re encrypted with TLS/SSL keys that Akamai do not have. 
Risk that macOS could be iOS-ified in the near future in the name of “security” while ignoring significant flaws in iOS’ design wrt privacy, forcing users to unnecessarily trust Apple with potentially sensitive data in order to even simply use devices.
This is a valid concern, but not really for the reasons he’s listed. I believe it’s a concern for users who want total control over their device, which is a fair thing to want. Personally I’m okay with giving up the freedom of controlling my system to use something like iPadOS (non jail broken) for the security/privacy it provides, but some users are not, and I understand that. Once again the information you trust them with pertains to their ecosystem, not your usage of that system.
Controversial, draconian surveillance laws being implemented worldwide which could take advantage of Apple’s data collection and OS design choices, notably in, but not limited to, China, one of Apple's largest markets.
Yeah, this is another valid issue, but not really much we can do about it, Google also provide services to the Chinese market , why aren’t we complaining about them? Yes I’m aware they’re currently censored over there, but there are other large companies that provide services to the chinese markets that we use every day. Typically these systems are set up so they cannot be accessed outside of China to protect the governments interests and access from privacy/security researchers, so there is very little risk a phone will accidentally beacon back to a Chinese government data farm.
If iOS is to really be considered a secure OS, and if vanilla macOS is to become more secure, independent end-user control must be considered. Increased low-level design security at the cost of control, and the ability to prevent leaking data, cannot be considered a real improvement in security.
iOS is a secure OS, you’ve even said as much in the Gist, your complaints are about privacy not security. There are movements such as #FreeTheSandbox (which I’ll get onto in a second) that want user accessible ways to access your device fully. The sad truth is there’s no real way this can be implemented securely for the end user. Interestingly Apple do actually provide this in the form of a burned fuse that is set on the manufacturing line before the device is finalised. If this fuse isn’t burned it operates in ”development” mode, which allows downgrading the OS, bypassing checks, modifying boot args. etc. Alright! Thanks for hanging in there, now we’re done with that Gist we can talk about the points TAJ has brought up.
Yeah I don’t have anything to say about this one, it’s not ideal and is something they keep screwing up annoyingly. I personally don’t use Siri on iOS or macOS but I agree it’s something they need to take more seriously.
Alright this is where things get more interesting, the vulnerability was published by Zuk, he’s an interesting guy. I (and Apple) have no issues with his claim there is some kind of security issue there (however I recently looked into this and couldn’t find a way to even trigger this on a normal phone), the claim that I have issue with is that it was exploited in the wild. This is what apple are “lying” about. I’ve spoken to several engineers and people on the security team, and they’re not lying. There is no evidence that it was exploited in the wild, and the burden of proof is on Zuk to provide that, which he seems to refuse to do.
This just simply isn’t true, if you look at the enterprise signing certificates and the entitlements Apple can provide, nothing there can be used to systematically track a users activity on the system. Some of them are used for things like Enterprise MDM solutions and even then they can’t track what you do on the phone, they can push apps, config profiles, etc, but without a full chain exploit, there’s no way they’re tracking you from that.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, American law enforcement being dishonest as usual, but I’m not sure what this has to do with Apple, Apple refused to unlock the phone, eventually the FBI managed to get access, I believe this was with a NAND swap that allowed further brute forcing of the PIN, keep in mind this was an iPhone 5 or 5S, I don’t remember specifically, there was no SEP on these devices, which is a hardware enforced lockout for secure processes such as PIN code unlocking.
Also not really sure what this has to do with privacy or security, I absolutely agree Apple do some shitty things to resellers, repair shops, etc. They’re slowly getting better (the new iMacs are covered under their self repair program, etc) but ultimately they make more money that way, I don’t agree with it but I don’t see how it affects the end users privacy/security.
lol brave bad, we agree there
These people are partly joint with the GrapheneOS cult, primarily due to its lead developer orchestrating all these things in hindsight and his followers purposely sharing his opinion garbage as "facts".
I’d like to refer you to rule 1 of this subreddit
Do not be evil. Opinions are welcome, facts more so. Attack arguments, not people. Hating, baiting, trolling, flaming will be dealt with strictly.
I think you calling his opinion garbage is a violation of this rule, but who am I to say ;-) I started off writing a response to that deleted reddit post, but saw Daniel responded in detail here: https://removeddit.com/firefox/comments/gokcis/_/frh286y/ and Daniel is right, Firefox is less secure than Chrome/Chromium, it’s slowly improving, and as more and more gets ported to rust (hopefully the JS engine too!) I hope that some day I can switch from Chrome to Firefox. The thing about the “Chrome shills” such as me and cn3m and Daniel is that we don’t actually want to use Chrome, we’d love to use Firefox, but at this point it just doesn’t make any sense for a security conscious person to use Firefox, except for Tor Browser in ”safer” mode, which I think is actually quite good, but not because Firefox is more secure, rather because that safer mode removes half the attack surface of the insecure code in Firefox.
Yeah not even sure what to say there, your argument started off solid, citing good sources, and then slowly it seems like you wanted to pad it out so you had to find more bad things to say about the topics at hand.
The moderator u trai_dep has taken his time to censor me off completely, so that none of my criticisms can be ever read about his dictatorial moderation and the GrapheneOS discussion I had with its lead developer, who at the end gave me plenty evidence about his rudeness, ironically which was against the rules of the subreddit.
So I read this argument, and it basically seems like you’re wrong.. that’s not a bad thing but I’m not sure why you’re saying you’re “censored” you were given sources and evidence and you refused to accept that.
They don’t make good enough devices, the only Android devices you should trust are Pixel devices. The rest are a mess of splintered ecosystem, massive monolithic kernel patches to add specific features, vendorbloat ware that can be used to exploit you, etc.
There is also the issue that he always claims Google Pixel 3/3a is a must with Titan M chip running non verifiable code that one has to rely on for Google's claim of being same as open sourced code, and that it does not have spyware. And he maintains his stand about developing the ROM exclusively for the Pixel devices, which also house Pixel Visual Core, a proprietary Google-only CPU+GPU unit independent of the Snapdragon SoC and with negligible documentation claimed "only" to be used for HDR+ camera algorithm processing. Google has had a history of lying with things like the Location History toggle, or their known data collection business and known relationship with NSA.
Daniel talks about the OpenTitan project, as he says you cannot have open source hardware on an ARM SoC, in the future hopefully we’ll move towards RISC-V, but yes you’re correct. You do need to trust the “non verifiable“ code running on the SoC, you know where else you need to trust that? On literally every other phone, smart device, etc. Unless you’re a company with millions of dollars to license it, you’re not going to be given the SoC source. So you raise a valid issue, but it’s not only an issue with Google, it’s an issue with SoC’s in general, as I said, I hope we can move towards RISC-V soon. As for your last point, I know what you’re referring to and I tried to find the commit, they didn’t “lie“ about it, it was a software bug where the flag wasn’t properly set, it existed for less than 2 days and then was patched out. Now as for their relation to the NSA, I really don’t want to comment on that, lots of companies do business with government agencies, lots of companies were involved in programs for lawful data access through FISA warrants, regardless of what you think of that process this isn’t an issue specific only to Google, and isn’t an issue with GrapheneOS at all, as all the Google services are removed. Sorry for any spelling errors, I’m writing this on my iPad at a hotel atm and the spell check for reddit seems to disable after a certain length paragraph. Lame.
Response to TAJ again
This is easier and clearer than splitting up comments, stupid reddit 10k max limit.
To be fair, even Android devices collect this data. So, what was the point of specifically pointing out (or some may say "targeting") Apple?
That was my point.
Now, there are dozens and dozens and dozens of posts by users (now deleted, mostly on privacydue to paranoid users with no constant accounts) claiming how Apple gave them 10-20 MB of takeout data, while Google gives 10-100 GB of takeout data. This creates a very dishonest consensus in privacy community about how Apple collects 100-1000x lesser data.
But they do collect less data, most of Googles business model is advertising, Apples is not.
Looking at Schmidt's report findings, we can clearly see how Apple polls devices lesser than Google for location and other personally identifiable user metrics. But the unintentionally dishonest narrative that got created by some people in the community (either out of lack of knowledge or on purpose) is one of the major reasons why I cited the iosecure's writeup, to counter this false narrative creating a confirmation bias echo chamber around Apple in privacy community.
Can you reword this, I don’t really understand how it’s dishonest if you say it polls devices less than Google for location/personally identifiable user metrics.
Apple collects plenty data, even if it is 10x less than Google, and Apple's takeout not counting in the iCloud videos, images and large files (which is the bulk of Google's massive takeout archives) does not mean Apple is magically a less offending company in privacy terms. My standards for privacy are high so as to not tolerate data collection at all, or the most minimal amounts of it. Apple collects plenty data, and thus is not suitable for privacy, even if it is collecting lesser data than Google.
Yes, they collect some data, but you can disable most of it from the iOS settings, the rest is the data they need to perform their services, device UUID is used for device security/anti theft as well as iMessage activation, etc. Also that last point is just as lie, it does include iCloud videos, images and large files. I did an export recently..
This is a terrible attitude to live with, and also to even promote this idea of "all companies buy data". This creates a sense of helplessness in the privacy community, where not just trust is fragile, but the mental state of people dealing with paranoia, who have gathered the courage to fight the corporations and governments demolishing their privacy.
You’re actually right, it is, but sadly all companies do, if you have an operation of that scale, selling devices, services, etc, market research is a huge part of that effort. I understand your concerns with the statement but the truth is if you want to be profitable you must understand your customers needs.
We should help build courage instead of telling people "all hope is over, and all privacy seeking hope is false now".
Yes, we should. However sadly the internet as it stands doesn’t provide a way to legitimise the “hope” you may give people. The web itself is just entirely screwed up, people are working on it, but currently unless you want to exclude yourself from 90% of the web, there is no easy way for most people to avoid this.
Apple takes a lot of your personally identifiable information, and this has plenty implications.
Although very minimally subtle and conjectural, it adds up realistically, as it has been observed. Apple intentionally started locking down repairs and hardware, observing your personal credentials, linking them to your previous Apple purchases, which made them jack up repair prices, locked down the hardware to the point that users cannot even get them repaired from third party places.
Yeah, we agree. It’s pretty predatory behavior and evident of a monopoly, but how does this affect user privacy/security? The data is encrypted, Apple cannot access it, despite what that Gist says about iOS lacking “Full disk crypto” this might be true, but APFS’s encryption is battle tested.
Now, this point above seems to be about ethics and financial stuff. What else is there? Citing one of my links cited by OP, and addressed above - Apple themselves were one of the main partners buying data from Facebook.
Again, market research, knowing your customer, etc.
Data collected by Apple does not seem to stay at Apple.
Cite your sources please, where have Apple ever sold data?
Apple likes to buy data from others, and as we know factually, Apple, Google, Facebook and others are basically CIA state extended arms working for NSA together.
I’m not going to dignify that with a response, if they were Apple would have no issue with complying with legal requests to add backdoors or unlock phones, stuff they blatantly have not done.
And thus, they (conjecturally) share data among each other, as they all share data to NSA (factually).
This makes no sense given your conjecture is flawed, also not sure how your implication that Apple buying data means they share it with the NSA. Makes no sense.
This data collection and friendly sharing seems to affect not particularly privacy (even though it seems like it certainly is), but this has extended implications on your financial life and your freedom with your owned Apple electronics.
I didn’t say it didn’t have implications on your financial life and device freedom, I said it doesn’t affect privacy in the way you’ve claimed it does.
Rule 1 also applies not out of context, but strictly considering the context. Out of context judgement is disingenuous and must not be used to support oneself's arguments.
My point was more that you’re angling yourself as this moral bastion, above us all. When you too are guilty of the actions you accuse others of.
The ideas he and his fans propagate is that Firefox is this terrible piece of software created by a free time XDA forum modder,
Firefox may have been created by a free time XDA forum modder (I actually didn’t know that! TIL) but it is not now, it has a company and funding behind it, I don’t think it’s terrible, I think it’s impressive what has been built, I just don’t think there’s any reason for security/privacy conscious individuals to use it over Chromium.
and Chrome is this perfect heavenly thing that is not just unpenetrable,
Nobody said this, I’ve even cited sources in some Matrix arguments showing Chrome is not impenetrable, the differences are the code standard is higher, and the software is properly designed to have good security boundaries.
but even is "10 years ahead of Firefox in security",
IMO it is, but that isn’t saying much.
making it seem like Chrome is some magic potion from the future.
Again no, it’s not magic, it’s just the best we have atm.
These Chrome stans have some crazy bizarre ideas when they start to claim that "Firefox lacks a sandbox at all".
Firefox lacked a sandbox until very recently.. and the sandbox implementation they have right now is.. challenged by some fundamental decisions made earlier in the development of Firefox. I can elaborate in detail on Matrix if you’d like, or I can make a blog post on it.
Yes I read through this, I don’t think it was debunked. A lot of the concerns were from earlier on in the projects lifespan however I’d argue the issues are still there, it’s just not as solidly constructed as Chrome/Chromium.
Anyone can call me baseless and ridiculous later, OP included.
We’ll see where the night takes us :-)
If a security researcher refuses to acknowledge basic problems like WebRTC IP leaks and other Google issues, and ignores the privacy argument where the focus indeed is on privacy, there is not much left to say.
Those WebRTC leaks that can be fixed by changing one setting in about:config?
Victimising oneself and claiming oneself as part of and establishing this deck of cards as one group entity seems contradictory to the point OP wants to prove. Weird.
No you misunderstand there, I’m not claiming I’m a victim. I’m saying that we’ve looked at the available options and decided that Chrome/Chromium is the most secure option currently, if this changes I’m happy to reevaluate my thinking. For example when all of Firefox is ported to rust, I will probably switch to Firefox anyways, even if Chrome switches to rust too. Mainly because of the extensibility I get on Firefox. (I miss you tree tabs :-( )
Anyway, when Daniel can claim Firefox and 4chan armies are deployed against him to harass him (a common theme in his replies to just about any of his criticisms on the internet), he would never touch Firefox, as much as use it. Sane can be observed in his or his work GrapheneOS' fans. Moreover, he has what seems to be personal grudges against Mozilla devs, being abusive in his mailing lists. https://lists.torproject.org/pipermail/tor-dev/2019-August/013995.html
Again, I’m not really interested in discussing this, this post should solely be on technical merit. Artist vs Art. However for what it’s worth I do believe Daniel is harassed by 4chan who refuse to believe that closed source software can be as secure as open source software, I guess it’s the many eyes argument, which in itself makes no sense.
The sources, as I repeatedly mention are debunked, and are largely not just conjectural, but I would take it a step further to say there is a sense of confirmation bias and seeking of approval for the products and software they themselves use and want to defend their purchase and/or use of these products. This is a common behavioural pattern observed in corporate loverboys.
This is just untrue, once again I’d like to cite your sources and provide evidence that these claims are debunked, when one of the sources you literally cited says the opposite. Also can we keep the derogatory comments out of it? I think you’ll agree I’ve been nothing but respectful here, I’d appreciate if you did the same.
This is false and weird, as OP also noted my proprietary unverifiable security concerns in the very next quoted paragraph.
It is not false, if you look at pwn2own most of the Android chains that involve non Google devices involve vendor bloatware, the massive logic bug chain comes to mind. My statement is true, the only devices you should trust with your security/privacy are Pixel devices, ideally running GrapheneOS. I’m not here to say they’re perfect, but they’re the best we have.
Having those one or two less pieces of unknown hardware objectively helps reduce lot of attack surface,
Once again we agree, you won’t find that hardware on any other similar phones, unless you’re a Mediatek, Qualcomm, etc, partner.
which is my intended goal here when recommending community to stay away from Pixels. The more standard the hardware, the easier to deal with.
Okay then recommend something better? I’m not saying Pixels are the holy grail, I’m saying they’re the best we’ve got when you account for the security/privacy they provide when running something like GrapheneOS.
We are concerned with Google Pixels with proprietary unverifiable hardware in this case,
Also fair, as mentioned above, please provide an alternative.
with disingenuous transparency on Google's side towards people.
This is an issue with Google itself, GrapheneOS removes all Google components, so I fail to see how this is an issue, if you’re talking about them being disingenuous by not providing the verilog to the Titan M chip then I think you’re using the wrong term.
So, it is logical to make point about Google and NSA relations.
Is it? Again it seems like you’re drawing your own inferences here, I don’t see a need for them.
2020.09.03 11:40 BroCube"You should never do anything you don't want to do!", or, an analysis on the bad advice we give
sex has gotten a little weird lately, and I think it's time we do a little self-reflection. The function of sex is pretty clear. Rule 5 says it best - "The main forum is focused primarily on posts seeking specific advice, education, or discussion about distinctive personal situations." Advice is the operative word. People come here for advice. They discover a question (or better put, a problem) in their sexual journey, and they come here to confer with a like-minded group of individuals to help them find the answer (or solution). Finding said solution to the problem is the goal that you, the replier, are tasked with. It's a noble endeavor, and historically for the most part sex has done a bang-up job. Now, admittedly, I don't go out of my way to navigate to sex specifically anymore. I only see the posts that're upvoted enough to hit my main feed. But when they do, I read them. And seemingly every single one of these posts goes the same way:
OP: "I'm struggling with [so and so problem] with my partner and want to solve it, any ideas?" Every top response: "Just ignore it! Fuck 'em! You should never do anything you don't want to do! You should completely disregard any challenge and eschew any difficult experience and recluse into a tiny bubble you create for yourself where everything you love is all that exists and anyone who likes anything you don't like is an enemy you cut yourself off from forever!"
Obviously this is hyperbolic, but I'm trying to make a point that this is the general vibe sex's discourse is giving off. Ok, yes. Of course, you are absolutely right. You should NEVER EVER be forced, persuaded, manipulated, coerced or pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. That's rape. Cut-and-dry, by-the-books, definitive rape. You're right. It's bad, it happens a lot, and it's something we should all make an active effort to fight against. Of course. OF COURSE. Except... when it isn't. Stay with me, because I know that line of thinking is a rapist's bread and fucking butter, but please stay with me here. There's no such thing as a completely perfect match, and that's a good thing. You're never going to find two people that have absolutely 100% exact perfect sexual synergy. Sure, maybe for some of you all the big kink categories might match up pretty well with your partner, maybe a couple of you even got a perfect match on mojo upgrade or whatever, but it's in the little indescribable things. A big part of the fun of a relationship is resolving the ways that you're different (not just in sex). You're not dating a clone of yourself and I promise you'd hate if you did. I need analogies to explain my point so please forgive me. For the musicians, it's like finding a way to take two different chords and creating a harmonic melody. For the readers, it's like reading a book from the perspective of someone with a different life experience from you. For the cooks, it's like finding a way to take two different ingredients and making a delicious meal. It's discovery, and it's the fun part. It can go wrong, of course, and then it should probably end, sure. But when it goes right, it's what makes the magic. People come to sex because the first time they tried to mix peanuts and chilies, it tasted gross. And they want it to taste good, they know it could but they don't know how. This is the part we tend to forget. they want it to work, and they came to you with that goal in mind. I might be getting lost in analogies and I know commenters are gonna come out of the woodwork arguing against the concept of perfect matches while missing the real point; people come here for solutions or answers to sexual problems or questions that arise with people they love. It's fine to have sexual differences with your loved one. They don't want to end their relationship, or deny their partners the pleasure they seek. They want help finding pragmatic solutions. Because people enjoy pleasing their partners, even if they don't receive direct sexual stimulation in return from doing so. The received pleasure comes from the act of giving selflessly to someone you love. Or perhaps their partner does something similar for them. Either way, it isn't apples to apples, and it isn't up to you to argue against if it's what they want to do. Le'ts be very super extremely clear on something. Let's draw a hard line. It is perfectly fine to do something you don't enjoy for a good reason, if you choose to. For example, I hate trying to figure out what to get my mother for her birthday. It's a nightmare. She's old and really picky and judgmental and already owns everything she wants to own and I've given her many dozens of birthday presents in her life and I'm out of ideas. I hate it, but I do it because I love her. I'm not planning on stopping any time soon, even though I hate it. If I go to an internet community for advice on what to get her, I am NOT looking for "OMG DONT BUY HER ANYTHING, YOU SHOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANNA DO". I know when I'm being forced against my will. I know what that looks like. This isn't that, and I didn't come here for that advice. Thanks, but no thanks. I came here for help overcoming my challenge, not for help talking me out of trying. "I hate the taste of cum but my bf likes when I swallow, any ideas?" "OMG FUCK HIM, YOU SHOULDN'T..." blah blah blah. You're not helping, and you need to understand this in order for sex to keep kicking ass. Like, it's 2020, and this is reddit. We're all woke too, okay? We don't need every single post to start with "you should never do anything you don't want to...". It's implicit. Everyone here knows and agrees already. Ok ok, I will admit, occasionally there ARE posts that very obviously need that kind of advice, and when that happens it is sound and good. But it doesn't apply to every thread. It doesn't apply to most of them. Now, are you gonna help them, or are you gonna use their struggle as your opportunity to virtue signal?
2020.09.01 01:19 anon72498I'm extremely lonely and depressed but can't express it because I'm told I'm a man.(long read sorry).
So to start off I'll explain why I'm depressed. When I was 12 years old I watched my brother die in front of me. For reason's that's the most I can say without revealing to much because im afraid this could be found by someone I know and you can Google it and find out who I am,because even writing this I feel embarrassed venting this off my chest. So please don't ask for anymore details. It gave me PTSD and made me become more of a introvert, and is one of the main reasons why I'm extremely depressed. What happened that day will stick with me until I die,and I feel so responsible for what happened, that I always play the " what ifs" in my head everytime I think about it. I miss my brother everyday and sometimes wish that I was in his place. And my family is so messed up that after what happened we didn't get any help even though counseling was offered for free and my parents turned it down for whatever reason. We all just went on to live life and everyone dealt with it in their own way. And my father told me that I have to let it go because it was in the past and that im a man now and that as a man I can't keep crying or having night terrors about what happened. (Sure dad,why don't you watch your brother get his head blown away and then tell me how much of a man you are after.) I wish we would've taken it because now im 22 years old and I can't hold a relationship with friends or a potential partner because im so fucked up in the head. I keep pushing myself to be nicer and try to be more accessible when it comes to lending a hand or lending a ear,but in reality I just do it because I think that's what nice people do and it'll make me better. I dont have energy to even think about having a good day, which effects me getting up to head to work,or talking to the friends that I have now. Why im lonely and have been single for the last 5 years: I really want a relationship but due to my past relationships it messed me up so bad , I'm afraid to talk to females now because im afraid they'll just think im a freak,or that im just someone that comes with to much. And plus nowadays you never know what kind of response you'll get,im not afraid of the rejection I just don't want to show interest and have my feelings for someone plastered and laughed at on the internet. But I found that video games have always helped me escape these feelings,its just sad that I don't have anyone to play with anymore.all my old friends left me because they didn't understand me and what I go through. Soon I'll post about why my past relationships made me scared to open myself up to others and how they played a major role into me being single for the last 5 years. And if you actually read it until the end,thank you for reading,it means alot.
2020.08.31 21:03 ashikat413Can we work it out? ADVICE NEEDED!
I'm 21F , I've been dating my boyfriend 21M for just over a year now. This is going to be a long one. (Reposted after original was taken down for language)
TLDR; My boyfriend promises to work on his problem with dishonesty, but keeps lying anyway. On top of that, I'm dealing with a lot of insecurity issues related to his attraction to other women and I'm having a very hard time coming to terms with it. At what point does being in love stop being a good enough reason to stay?
Personal Issue Context:
My biggest personal hurdle is being demisexual (Asexual, but I CAN feel attracted to him specifically under specific circumstances.) and dating someone straight. It's really hard for me to come to terms with knowing he will never be attracted to me exclusively, so he can never feel the same way about me as I do about him. The idea that no one will ever feel this way about me is really heartbreaking for me, but I dont feel like sexuality should be a dealbreaker in this context and I'm trying very very hard to just come to terms with it. The problems come in when he actively rubs it in my face (albeit accidentally) that he finds someone else attractive. A lot of the rest of the issues also come from PTSD from my last relationship, and my crippling depression and self esteem issues, and some other mental illness related stuff. My ex was horribly abusive, a hentai addict, and a cheater. On top of that, I am recovering from anorexia. I'm the biggest i have ever been now, and since i gained the weight rather fast I am covered in an abundance of stretchmarks pretty much everywhere, at 21 with no children i already have this many stretch marks. So now, because of all this, I feel like I am way more sensitive to my bf's reaction to other, prettier women, than I should be.
There have been 3 times now that I had wondered if we are really right for each other, and most recently it's because he just can't stop lying to me.. 90% of the time, when we are together in person, everything is really amazing and I feel fine. He's so sweet to me, the total opposite of my ex. I've never even heard him yell, when hes upset about something he gets a little bit quiet and then tries to talk it out with me so we can resolve it and enjoy our time together. He doesn't want me to be upset and is extremely understanding of my bizarre behavior caused by mental illness. In these moments he is truly my dream boyfriend! I can't express it enough, that other than the problems I'm going to tell you about here, he is a genuinely an amazing person and I love him dearly! It's when he acts judgemental, or lies to me, that I feel the worst. And he will be ADAMANT about the lie, even when I am decisively telling him that I know the truth, spelling out the truth for him so it's not like I'm baiting him to tell me something I didn't know, and begging him to just stop being dishonest. Usually, he holds the lie, sleeps on it or just waits on it a while, and then confesses the next time I bring it up. He lies about the weirdest things. We had a talk about sexuality, since he doesnt have any queelgbt friends and doesnt really understand it, so I wanted to have a talk to help him understand me better, and to get an idea of what behaviors related to his sexuality I should expect (like whether he'd need some time alone for the solo tango and such.) I wanted to express my acceptance, and and find his in return. In this talk, he ended up telling me that he's only ever attracted to one person at a time (like a demisexual,) and vehemently claiming it to be true even after I explained that attraction is not controllable and does not mean you wanna sleep with or be with a person. You just find them attractive. He claimed it's true, only ever one person at a time! I knew this was a lie because he told me early on in our relationship that he had a crush on a coworker while he was still with his ex, and had also talked about like celebrity crushes and such. So.... he obviously still feels attraction to others? But I want to believe him, because he seemed like a very honest person up until then, so I asked him if he thinks he might be demisexual like me. He said he might be. He took the opportunity to tell me I'm the only person he's attracted to. Hes also told me a few times since then that he gave up porn a while after we got together, because he has an entire folder of explicit pictures and videos of me/us. He does still watch porn, though, and hes admitted as much now, so I dont really know why he said that. I never asked him to give it up or anything like that, so idk. Probably the only really relevant lies to the biggest problems we've had, so I'll move on now. I want to tell you the biggest fights we've had, the times i truly wondered if we should be together. All of them happened this year in 2020, before and after the one year mark. I hope to make it clear how each incident was a massive blow to be self esteem and security problems, and how each one just adds to the insecurity..
(Together for 7 months)
TLDR;He tried to tell me what to where to a place that it shouldn't have mattered, and then confessed that he'd been embarrassed to be seen with me all this time. He apologized after I explained why controlling my clothes isnt ok, and that other than that the whole thing was kind of hurtful, but I ended up getting rid of the outfit he didnt like and getting new clothes.
I was just in the peak of recovery with anorexia. I had gained 60lbs in 6 months and none of my clothes fit anymore. Probably the height of me self esteem problems up until the next big fight I’m going to tell you about. My main outfits now were just t shirts/hoodies and my stretchiest pants (yoga pants and leggings) genuinely because nothing else fit, but I never really cared about my clothes beyond “presentable” anyway. He was invited to a birthday party for his best friend since highschool, and I was invited by association. I'd met and hung out with him and his girlfriend, so I was happy to go. My boyfriend took this chance to suddenly announce to me that he's gonna buy me a new outfit. I mean. okay, thats really sweet and i appreciate it, but why this out of nowhere? Especially with my birthday like JUST a month away? Why not wait for that? "The (university) hoodie and grey pants arent going to work for this party. Theyre fine at just my house or when we're shopping and no one cares what we look like, but I'm going to get you some jeans to wear." I was really stuck between appreciating him wanting to help me with the wardrobe issue, and being really offended about the reason why. He had never done anything remotely controlling until then, and hasnt since. I explained to him why a. I was deeply offended, b. You cant just tell your girlfriend what to wear, regardless of the circumstances, and c. Its going to be a drunk college kid party, consisting of people who are all already friends and really arent going to be dressing to impress anyone. I guarantee 80% of every girl there will be wearing a (university) hoodie and leggings or sweats. (And I was right.) That talk ended in him admitting that he had secretly been embarrassed to be seen with me all this time. That was just really heartbreaking to hear. I'm still not really over it months later, if I'm honest, and i'm always feeling self conscious about my clothes now. But, I don't ever bring it up to him, because he feels pretty guilty about the whole thing. This was the first time I told him how important honesty is to me, and to please be more transparent about how he feels. If he hates something i wear, and I find out months later after wearing it all the time, its humiliating. And it hurts knowing hed been thinking that about me all this time.. i dont consider this to have been a lie, more like sparing my feelings or something. But it was the first time he'd hurt me. The first time I realized appearance matters to him. I went and bought myself a new outfit.
Late July 2020
(together JUST over a year)
TLDR;I found a somewhat suggestive screenshot of a girl he went to school with and (was) friends with on Facebook. (She is now blocked.) He lied about it initially, but eventually admitted that he went out of his way to find her picture and "use" it. He apologized, but even his apology and confession was littered with provably false lies, including taking the screenshot on accident somehow and that he did this because he was angry at me after a fight the night he took that screenshot, when really on that night...
Next, this happened in July. Things had been feeling more and more off between us. At this point, I suppose it's relevant, I should tell you that I'm schizophrenic. It doesnt affect my daily life all that much, except it comes with a really intense and panic inducing sense of paranoia that creeps up on me and drowns me at seemingly random intervals. So, while I've never been wrong when i felt that something was wrong in regards to my partner when we're together in person, I still can't trust that it isn't just the paranoia and use that as a valid reason to confront him for a problem that I can't identify with no reason or proof other than "a feeling." But we were together right at the end of July, a month after our first anniversary. Hanging out in bed. And something felt *wrong.* it had been this way for a while now. A month, maybe. Maybe I'm just not feeling right because I'm worried about my cat. recovering from surgery at home. Maybe? Maybe I'm worried about my mom, who's been really down lately. Or I'd been thinking about an old friend I was trying to reconnect with, but overcome with anxiety about finally doing it. Or the state of the world in general, with Covid, and riots. I dont know. What is this off feeling?? Is it really just my worries, or does it mean something? I decided to finally put my paranoia to rest and outright asked him if I could go through his phone. I've never done something like this before.... I feel like the psycho girlfriend youre always warned about. Toxic. Distrusting. A bad girlfriend. I still feel horrible even after finding out I was right to feel paranoid. I regretted it the second I asked. And worst of all, living up to the “psycho” stereotype that comes with being schizophrenic is something I try my hardest to avoid. He looked shocked, but he said yes and handed it over, and I couldn’t pass the opportunity to finally prove to myself everything is ok even if I felt bad about it. I sat in such a way that he could see what I was doing, and… . I couldn't go through his messages. That's just too much. Too much invasion of privacy. But what else can I look at? I ended up in his gallery. There was one single dirty picture of someone other than me in his screenshots. It wasnt even very lewd, just kind of suggestive. Crop top, barely showing just enough to know there's no bra. No outright nudity. I happened to see the date he took it too, July 9th. Less than a month before I found it. I wouldnt have found that suspicious, but just one? I accept allos (literally everyone other than asexuals, including straight people) saving sexy pictures they found online, even if I cant understand it I can accept it. But just this one? Isnt that weird? Moreover, our anniversary is June 26th. It was barely 2 weeks after our anniversary, haha, wow.. I laughed, so he’d know i wasnt mad about it, I said something like “oh whats this?” in kind of a teasing tone, even though my heart had dropped 10 feet. He said "i dont know what that is.." and just reached over to delete it. He seemed really uncomfortable. I know it would probably be embarrassing, but he acted like he didnt know it would be there. It made me wonder.... really, why just this one? How did he forget it was there? Whatever, i gave his phone back and we enjoyed the rest of our day together. The off feeling though, it never left. So, when I went home, and was alone again, it really did just consume me. What does it mean?? Does it mean anything?? I just bit the bullet. Fine if i look crazy, even after having gone through such an extreme as to look through his phone and still need answers…. i needed this horrible feeling put to rest. I texted him and asked "please be honest about that screenshot." The guilt of not trusting him still gnaws at me today, but I just... didnt have control of it. And the confession came. He told me, this is a girl he knows. He went to school with her. He never talks to her, but he's friends with her on facebook. She was his old best friend's crush and he absolutely hated her. He isnt interested in her at all, "i really dont know why i had that screenshot, at all, im sorry." Look, i dont know if its normal or not. I wouldnt fault him for keeping/using porn. I wouldnt fault him for keeping sexy photos of some random internet girl, even if it did make me feel self conscious and inferior, thats MY problem, not his. But someone he knows? Hes connected to? Someone in his life? Someone he could just open an app and message on a whim? I realize you can't stop yourself from being attracted to someone, but after the lengths he went through to tell me I was the only one, it was really a slap to the face. Howd he even get this picture of her? I looked her up, and it wasnt on any of her mainstream social media that I could find. So howd he get it? He couldnt have accidentally stumbled across it. So i asked. He told me exactly where to find it, and I did. VSCO. I mean, really, VSCO, I haven't heard about that in ages, and I was surprised he even knew what it is. He remembered where he got it, even a month after taking it, despite "not knowing" why he had it. I told him as much, its suspicious, just tell me the truth already... He said "you know why i was there.." "i dont. Please tell me." He admitted the obvious, what he used it for. He told me..... in short, "i dont know why! I was mad at you.. i hate how we’re always fighting lately, and I was trying to fall asleep... i dont know why i thought of her, i swear i dont know why." He also told me he took the screenshot on accident. But I saw the full picture of her. The background in his was cropped out. He took it on purpose and cropped it. He made sure to keep her face in it, though. The other thing is... we rarely fight. I do get sad often and i know that must be frustrating, but Im rarely angry or upset with him, and hes rarely angry or upset with me. In fact, he couldn’t give me a single example of something I did that made him angry because it happened so seldomly, he couldn't remember one. But I wanted to be understanding. I wanted to be able to understand, sympathize, forgive him. So, I went back to the date his phone saved it under, July 9th, in our conversation to find out what happened that night. What I did wrong, and need to do better.
July 9th 2020
TLDR;We had been doing really really well since our anniversary, less than two weeks ago. But this day, my cat was badly injured and had emergency surgery. She means the world to me, so I was really distressed all day. That night, he cut off our normal time together early and told me it was because I needed to take care of the cat, but when I called him out on the weird excuse, he admitted he just wanted more time alone from now on. I was mad at him for lying, but so upset about everything else going on that I just ended up having a breakdown. We ended up staying on the phone until after 2am, because neither of us thought it was safe for me to be alone, and then he came to see me around 4am out of worry. I appreciated him being there for me, but he still hurt me. We SLEPT together that morning, when he got here, but I knew something felt off. I was so distressed though, that I didn't give it much thought.
…. It was the night my cat had emergency surgery. I spent all day in the vet waiting room, and then just taking care of her as the sedatives wore off. I’ve had this cat for half my life, I named her when I was just a kid. I’ve raised two litters of her kittens. She’d been there in every worst moment of my life. She’s just a cat, whatever, I know, but she means the world to me. I was in absolute distress, and every conversation I had with him that day was about her. We didn’t fight until later that night. But just to be sure, I looked for days and days before the 9th. We hadn’t had a fight any time that week, or the week before. We were riding on honeymoon phase pretty much since our anniversary. At least, I had thought so. There was nothing until July 9th. That night, I was in the bathroom with the cat for hours and hours and hours. She needed to be quarantined from other cats and restricted in movement until the stitches were out, but couldnt be alone while the sedatives wore off because she couldnt walk and kept falling over onto the stitches. Besides that, she was confused and scared and I just needed to be there. I needed to be there for her. It was getting later, and I was still an absolute mess. She fell asleep, and I was so relieved. My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to call, and watch something on netflix. It is normal for us to do this, usually 2 or 3 times a week, so it was just a nice return to normalcy for me to regain some composure and calm down. We usually would watch until 10 or 11pm, But this night, the night I really needed him the most in all the time we've been together, he’s ready to say goodbye at around 9. It’s not that big of a deal, but he told me “You need to go take care of your baby!” I - …. Huh? My cat? That just… didn’t sound right? It’s ok, I said goodbye and hung up. He texted me right away with “you’re upset :<” ... I guess I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I didn’t even really know what to say to that. I mean, everything about that day was really upsetting so of course I was. But, one of the few times I really could have used his comfort, and he left early.. and used my injured cat as an excuse? I knew it didn’t sound right, but I also felt like being sad about it was selfish on my part. I said “Do you want us to set a time we have to wrap up the show? Because if you wanna be to bed at a certain time, I understand.” He told mehe wanted an hour or so alone before bed from now on. Look, that’s totally reasonable. It hurt my feelings a little, but it’s still a reasonable way to feel. Everyone needs alone time.. But there was one thing i didn’t like. “Why did you lie about it??” That’s when the fight started. But it wasn’t just about that. I went into an all out downward spiral. Because something. felt. wrong. Everything came out. How self conscious and insecure I’d been feeling around him, until recently, and how I was so scared it'd go back to that. How he didn’t seem to feel for me the way he used to. How I was so scared, all the time. How I didn’t want to be in pain anymore. He wanted alone time, and he decided to tell me THAT night of all nights, when I really needed him. He called me again pretty much right away, but even on the phone with him it had been one of my worst nights in regards to (dangerous thoughts.) We talked on the phone until around 2am, when he just couldnt stay awake anymore. He tried so hard, and I appreciate it so much. I couldn’t be alone that night and he was there for me. I fell asleep in the bathtub with my hand hanging over the edge where the cat could find it if she needed me. An absolute mess. I haven’t felt that horrible in a long time. He came over at 4 am that morning, because he was worried and couldnt get back to sleep. He came, and he slept with me. *slept* with me.
Both July incidents in tandem.
TLDR;If he took that screenshot on the 9th, and the only unpleasant conversation we had spilled into the 10th, it means he did it while I was crying at the vet's office or in the bathroom with my cat. He lied about his reason, even if there is no good reason to begin with, he still lied about his. The day before he would see me again, (and we sleep together every day we see each other so..) ... The day I thought I was going to lose my cat. The day I was crying and distressed all day and needed his support. That day was the day he just wanted someone else so badly that one mildly suggestive picture was better than everything I had to offer him, good enough that he saved it so he could keep using it in the future. Good enough that just her face, stomach, and a hint underboob was better than EVERYTHING I gave him.
If that fight lasted all night, into the 10th, and that screenshot was taken ON the 9th, then he didn’t do it because we were mad or fighting. He wasn’t thinking about her because he was too angry to want me at the time. He wasn’t trying to fall asleep. I was going to see him the very next day, when he was guaranteed to get laid, I was having my worst day in years, worried sick that I might lose my pet to a horrific injury that needed emergency surgery. And he was thinking about this girl, going out of his way to find an even remotely suggestive photo of her to “use” … while I was crying and worried sick. And he lied about it. Always, always with the lies. He did that, when I was so worried, and hurting, and scared, and then he came and SLEPT WITH me just hours later. Hours after fantasizing about someone else. Am I being petty? I feel petty, but my heart broke when I found all this out. It broke. It broke the same way it did when my ex cheated on me. It broke and it still doesnt feel right a month later. I can’t get it out of my head. How pretty she is. Skinnier, and bustier, with better skin, better makeup. She is so pretty. And that he didn’t stumble across this picture and like it, he went out of his way to LOOK for it, because he wanted her. He wanted her so badly that just this one barely suggestive picture was good enough when dozens of explicit pictures and videos of me weren’t. It was better to him than everything he had of me, so much so that he wanted to keep it to use later, (which he did, after this incident and before I found it, according to him.) And it wasnt for any reason that I could control. I couldn’t just be nicer, less argumentative, more agreeable, because he WASN’T upset with me when he did it. He just wanted someone else. And... seeing me in so much pain didn't take his mind off that at all? Am I being too sensitive to be hurt by that? We talked all this out. He blocked her on facebook to help me feel more secure about the situation. He promised never to use a picture of someone he personally knows again. He apologized so much. He was an absolute mess, feeling guilty about hurting me. I got to tell him how insecure I had been feeling, once again, how inferior I feel. I told him once, during a talk about this, that I was sad because she is so much prettier than me. His response was “Well… you’re nicer than her..” He said it with good intentions, but ouch. Really, Ouch. I've been asking him for poses and the like that he needs that he doesn't have, so that he could just use my photos when he wants to, I've been trying to just be more agreeable in general, I've been trying to be good enough to be the only one he wants even though, logically, I know it just doesn't work that way. But I can't help wanting that...
August 28 - Now
TLDR;I caught him checking out our waitress's ass, BLATANTLY, right in front of me, and i mean STARING. At the time, I didn't think it was justified to be upset about it, but I was anyway. I had a hard time talking after that, and he did try to find out what was wrong, but I wasn't able to tell him until I had stopped being upset about the the next night. When I told him, he adamantly denied having done it, even though I poked holes in every single explanation or excuse he gave, and he kept denying it until the morning after that. He apologized in a fit of tears for lying, and for checking out someone in front of me like that when he knows how insecure I've been feeling lately. He promised to work on the dishonesty issues, but I'm still feeling unsafe and insecure with him. The whole thing ended with me having a breakdown in my insecurity and then finally getting some sleep.
Last Friday... He's back to work now and he picked me up at the usual time after his shift, and we went out on our little weekly date thing. There are some restaurants open around, as long as you wear a mask when you enter and leave, so we went out to dinner this time. I was happy. While we were talking, waiting for our food, our waitress was at an empty table just next to ours. She reached over it to grab something (because of social distancing, half the tables weren't being used regardless of capacity, so it was just being used to hold menus and plates and stuff on it.) He turned his head 90 degrees, and stared. Stared at her ass, right in front of me. I was RIGHT THERE. Sitting RIGHT next to him. And he *stared* the entire time she was there. Just like all the times before, my heart dropped. It just dropped. I keep thinking to myself.... he's straight. He's not like you, Ashi, he's straight. He can't help finding someone attractive. You need to get over it, and love him for the way he is, and stop being so sensitive about it. But... Did he really have to check her out so blatantly right in front of me??? Why??? Why let me see you do that, why??? When you know how much it hurts me to see you thinking about other women like this? After we had a massive fight and almost broke up JUST A MONTH AGO because you accidentally let me find out about your lust for someone else? Why? Why let this happen again? But I know better. I know I don't have the right to be upset about this. Even so, I couldn't help my feelings, and I had a really hard time talking after that. Through the rest of dinner, I didn't even want to look at him in case he did it again. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to know. But, obviously, he noticed, and was trying to get me to tell him why I was acting like that. But what was I supposed to say? Don't look at the waitress? Even if I wanted to, I couldn't make myself speak anyway. I just ate my food quietly. I decided later, though, that it isn't fair not to tell him what's on my mind, even when I believe I'm in the wrong. But I knew he'd feel guilty about it, or be embarrassed, or feel like he's being watched all the time when he's with me, I was scared to tell him. I stalled. Soon enough, it was the next day. In the end, I told him Saturday night. I didn't ask for an apology. I didn't want him to say anything about it, really, but he wanted to know what caused my change in behavior and I felt that he had the right to know. At least that way he could avoid doing it again if he wanted to. So I told him, and he denied it. He denied it, even though I WATCHED him do it. He told me he'd been staring aimlessly at things. The restrooms, some brooms by a closet, a TV overheard, that table. She just HAPPENED to be there. But.... I knew he was lying. I knew because he didn't have his head turned ALL THE WAY LEFT like that except for the one time she was bent over the table, and he didn't look away until she left. I told him this, and he persisted. "I dont know, i was just looking around aimlessly. I was feeling awkward because you werent talking to me." But....... I WAS talking to him. I was mid sentence when he did it. I didn't go quiet until after I saw him do it..... so it wasn't JUST a bad excuse, it was objectively untrue. I asked him again and again to stop denying it and to stop lying, but he just doubled down. He kept explaining and explaining and throwing out new excuses. He even asked me to call him, because he was upset and felt like we shouldn't have this talk via text. And even then, HE PERSISTED. HE KEPT DENYING IT. Eventually he gave up and changed the subject, and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep. I was angry. For the first time since I found that picture, the second time since that incident in February, I was genuinely angry. I fucking hate liars, and I don't know how much longer he can be an exception. The next morning, I brought it up again right away. I told him to apologize for lying. He apologized for lying. And then he had a crying fit, telling me he didn't know why he did it. He said he didn't know why he lied, and promised over and over that he would work on this. He wants to be better for me, he wants to stop hurting me, he wants to be someone I can trust. He said he didn't why he checked her out like that, either. Telling me how he disliked her after seeing her wearing the mask under her nose like an idiot and saying something rude to a nearby table. (I saw the mask misuse but I have no idea what hes talking about with the rudeness.) He had no idea why he wanted to look. "I dont know why, I don't know why." I guess he has a thing for people he disapproves of or perceives to be awful. I didn't want to be accusatory, but I was still really pissed off that he tried to lie about it. I mean, something so painfully obvious, even though I TOLD him I didn't want an apology or anything, he felt the need to deny it. I can't take all this fucking dishonesty!!! What the fuck. Shortly after all this, I had something of an emotional break down and then finally falling asleep. Mostly just this self conscious, hopeless feeling, of knowing he's going to be constantly having his eye on someone else, even when I'm right next to him. And that he would actually rather deny it and let me believe I'm just being a crazy paranoid schizo again, rather than just maybe looking kind of bad for a day. I just, I don't know, I'm petty and jealous and that's really shitty. I know. But holy fuck, I was so upset and I still am. I just wish I could be good enough. Just once, I want the security of knowing im the only one he wants. Just once. I don't want to feel so hopeless and insecure all the fucking time. But as long as I'm trying to recover from PTSD, body issues, the jealousy... I'm not going to feel safe with him anymore.
I genuinely wonder now if I just shouldn't be in a relationship until I get these problems under control. I don't know if I can give him my trust again, after the constant lies. I know the ones I mentioned don't sound like all that much, but there were just so many small ones sprinkled throughout the entire confession every time he had to give me one, because he just didn't want to admit something?? So when am I supposed to believe he's being honest and when he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? How many things has he told me that I don't know were really lies? And I feel so pathetic for being so god damn hurt over small things. After being CHEATED ON, seeing him just *like* another woman's body should be nothing. He's never cheated on me. He's never even flirted with someone else, as far as I know. So why am I so hurt? Why can't I be relieved? Why can't I just feel safe? And why.. Why does someone so kind, so smart and sweet and supportive and loving, have to be a liar?? Why? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who lies to me?? Besides the dishonesty, he is everything I have ever wanted. I have so much respect for every other aspect of him. It is worth staying with him while he works on these issues, as adamantly he promises to try to be better about that, is it worth being in pain while I work on mine, or do I leave him until I figure this shit out? I love him so much, I can't even articulate how much I adore this man. How much I love (almost..) every second I spend with him, how much better my life has been since meeting him, how badly I want to be by his side supporting him as he tackles his plans for his life. I want a future with him, so so badly I want that. I don't want to be without him, even if I know I'll be okay again someday and get over it, I want to be with him. But... is it really worth feeling like this? The future I want with him... will I be happy if I don't trust him? Will I feel safe some day? What do I do? Please, what do I do?
2020.08.31 01:22 Imhotep0Call of the Mountain Discord event AMA: Riot responses
Hello friends! I read through all the responses from the Riot AMA on discord a few hours ago, collated and formatted them here for you all who didn't see them on discord. I cut out some of the preamble "Hey i love the game", "Thanks for the question" stuff but other than that I'm pretty sure everything is here, but I might have missed one or two so if I have, I apologise :( 4 wonderful Rioters took part: @DanCast, @Dovagedys, @Bearly Leah and @Careless Whisper. Thank you all for your time answering the questions!
Do you sometimes go around reddit or other media platforms to create new ideas for a card?
DanCast: We go around LoR player communities on reddit and elsewhere quite often, not for new card ideas specifically, but to understand what players are liking and not liking about the game. Better understanding people's impressions and desires factor into what we make in the future more broadly.
What was the process like play testing for the balance of this segment of the Targon release year, specifically the new region of Targon itself? Was Targon created holistically then segmented, or has development and balancing always been aware and aiming for the current style of a segmented release for the region? As the only other region expansion we’ve seen so far, Bilgewater seems like it could have been wildly different in terms of both thematic resonance and balance if it and the other original 6 regions new champions added in Rising Tides had been separated into segments. And if Targon was originally created holistically do you think the segmented release will make balancing harder going forward, as some card synergies or natural archetype counters have already been developed, but not yet released?
Dovagedys: It's a complicated question with a complicated answer. Ultimately, we know we want to be able to provide new cards to everyone at a satisfying cadence. Originally, we had planned to release new cards every 4 months, but over this past 6 months we quickly realized that is not fast enough. We wanted to move to a two month cadence, but most of the work for Targon and the region that comes after Targon had already been done. We definitely did extensive play testing and balance work on each segment. We believe that all three releases bring new things to the game and are fun to play.
Your favourite Colour?
Dovagedys: Purple Leah: Purple or blue
I am a huge fan of designing custom cards in just about all the card games I play, and some card games are very transparent with their design philosophies. While I understand LoR is a much newer game than some of those games and thus might have less nailed down in the way of philosophy; we saw relatively recently some of the design process outlined in your "From Champ Select to Your Deck" Article. For those of us who either wish to design custom content, or for those who might one day wish to apply to work for LoR as a designer, would it be possible to get many more articles in the same vein as that one? I feel as though many of the designing/custom group would love to hear what goes into the game and what considerations/values you have for each Region.
Whisper: Great question, and I'm glad to hear the previous articles were helpful. More articles on design and our design process is definitely on the list of to do. Knowing what things y'all are interested in learning more about helps us a ton!
when can I expect the other league champs with tails to be added to this game? I know you likely can't answer this but I can dream. [This was asked by someone with the discord name @TailLover :D]
DanCast: What about a champion that sometimes has a tail?
LoR's coding and way of handling various effects such as card positioning and sequencing is really fascinating. However I'm curious just how much is easily able to be modified/used for card design. For ex; Hypothetically speaking is it possible to reference the opponent's username in a levelup animation? For example with a champion say Pyke and The List?
DanCast: The tech team tells me it's harder than you'd think. We had a cosmetic concept where we wanted to put your game name on the cosmetic but we decided it wasn't going to be viable.
Hello Rioters! Thanks for helping us. Following the balance patches this summer, and the release of COTM are yall considering rexamining the presence of Aggro/Combo in the game? So far it seems that these new tools empower midrange and value stradegy in a great degree, but dont seem to have any new threats to keep them in check. Thanks!
Dovagedys: The release of Targon is still very young. I think there are still a lot of evolutions and learnings to come as people explore and the meta evolves. We are constantly evaluating the meta and working hard to ensure a healthy and diverse play experience. We want players to be able to play all kinds of decks and be able to have fun and find success. If we notice certain decks over performing we will continue our efforts to tone down cards that are overbearing and pushing other options out of the meta, as well as, buffing cards that can encourage more decks that are under represented.
Any chance of getting long term profile stats like matches played, lifetime number of 7-win Expeditions trials, the ratio of achieving 7-wins per expedition attempts etc., so I can finally prove to my friends I’m the Expedition king of LOR? Any fun stats in general or fun personal stats you keep track of behind the scenes on individual profiles you could one day share? (Numbers of Poro’s summoned?)
DanCast: Yes, we believe a player profile that contains some type of match history plus a record of feel-good stats/achievements like this is a great feature and something that provides a social foundation for seeing what other players are up to - what they pursue and accomplish. It's something we will be working on.
What is your least favorite card and why is it so?
Leah: I have a hard time playing around Ledros. It's silly but I always forget about him and then die to him! D:
About Taric's ability: Why did you "nerf" his interaction with Playful Triclster day 1? The Rube Goldberg Judgement + Challenger + Rally + Big dude is intended or will it somehow be patched out? Is his interaction w Assembly Bot intended? (He gets +1 towards the lv up if you Assembly bot on field with non-targetted spells)
Dovagedys: We knew about the Taric + Playful Trickster combo and originally intended to have it go live with Call of the Mountain. However, after some discussion among game design, play test team, and game play leadership we decided that the opponent's experience was potentially too unfun. We want to ensure that both players are having fun in our game. Losing isn't very fun, but unavoidable in a 1v1 game. However, losing slowly and being stuck in a trapped game is very unfun and avoidable. We want games that have a clear winner to end very quickly and the Taric + Playful Trickster combo had high potential to lead to games where 1 player had no mana and no actions to take, but would be forced to click OK repeatedly while Taric slowly attacked them to death. That sounds like a terrible experience and we wanted to protect players from being forced into situations like it.
I've read that LoR was planned to be available on multiple platforms (mostly mobile) very early on in the development. Was there any particular difficulty in porting the code over to mobile clients, or did you simultaniously code all the different builds at the same time? Furthermore, was there a Mac client planned that was scrapped due to the "App store streaming" MacOS has planned, or was that never a consideration?
Leah: We built the code from the beginning to prepare for mobile - so that helped us a lot being aware of budgeting needs, especially on low end devices. Certain things, like trying to constrain ourselves to memory budgets per asset (such as texture), and running memory tests per build help us know if we're exceeding our mobile limits. This is has been pretty beneficial over making it for PC then going to mobile, as we had less fixing to do for mobile launch.
How do you decide which champions to add to each expansion? Is it more based on popularity, or how much they could bring to the game?
Whisper: Huge caveat that this will usually vary from expansion to expansion. Generally the process is we look at which champions best represent the region and can show off exciting mechanics or themes. Then we look at a swath of things like champ popularity, cool lore moments we want to expand on between champions, overall tone of the set, etc.
Seeing as there are only so many regions from Map of Runeterra not implemented in game (with 2 new regions a year), what would you do when there are no regions to implement?
Dovagedys: Right now, our plan is to focus on 10 regions in runeterra. As of Call of the Mountain we have 8.
Do you have a clear vision on what you would do once you will run out of regions to add?
Dovagedys: Yes. We have a clear plan for content that comes after our last 2 regions are introduced to the game. Unfortunately, we can't discuss future content right now, but in some cases we work on content up to 2 years before it's released.
Some other card games have taken their main characters and placed them in different colors or classes? Is this something we could see once we have all the champions in game/we need champions in less populated regions? For example Yasuo and Ahri are currently heading to Bilgewater, would we hypothetically see a Yasuo in Ionia and A Yasuo in Bilge at the same time?
Dovagedys: We have some fun ideas for how we could potentially shift champions to regions players may not initially associate the champion. However, right now we are focused on getting as many champions from League into LOR as possible.
League of Legends is well known for it's incredibly diverse range of Alternate Universes and Skins. Just recently we had a Spirit Blossom event syncronized with the LoL event at the saem time. Judging from the new render of SBYasuo, alot of us were expecting some sort of premium version of Yasuo such as a skin for the card. Seeing as that obviously didn't happen, what is the team's stance on skins for cards? Perhaps with new VO/FX/Levelup Animations?
DanCast: We have loved bringing some of the alternate fantasies to LoR through our current cosmetic products. Card cosmetics will be in LoR's future, but we're taking our time to put our best foot forward on it, including some player studies. We have to think a lot about would players rather SB Yasuo be a skin or SB Yasuo be a new card with it's own flavor and abilities?Are there some fantasies we should do as cosmetics and others we should do new cards - can we do it both ways and have it be clear to players? That's what we think about. Let us know your thoughts on the boards!
Hi all! Bit of a technical curiosity: in open beta, there was a bug that allowed a player to cast Spinning Axe discarding a card that was "about" to be discarded by another effect such as shown here. What was the source of this bug? Was the game engine tied to UI somehow?
Leah: That's a fun one! Disclosure I didn't work on this bug, and I don't work on gameplay itself. But from speculation my guess would be that while the card was marked for delete, there was a time in cleanup while the animation was playing that it was still clickable, and was not marked as discarded until the animation ended. So not as much to do with UI as a timing issue.
The video containing the roadmap for future content (e.g. the addition of Labs, Gauntlet, the Event) was super awesome. Is there another one like that planned? When should we expect it?
DanCast: Yes there's one being planned now. Don't expect it too soon, but we want some way to talk about the end of the year with all of you. I hope the video works out
Are there any super crazy mechanics or cards you wanted to implement into the game but scratched in the end? I'm thinking of stuff like the chicken that deals 1 damage when you hover it in Hearthstone, things that are just simply bizarre :D
Dovagedys: There are a ton of designs that the team tries that don't make it to be released. Sometimes they aren't fun, sometimes we can't balance them, or sometimes they don't fit well with the rest of the release. In general, we try not to discuss these ideas publicly too often, because we may decide to use them in a future release and we don't want to spoil the surprise.
This question is completely unrelated to this game, so I’m not sure if you guys can even answer this. I’ll be finishing my 4th year of college studying cyber security this spring. I’m still trying to figure out what sort of work I’d even want to do, but I’m just curious if you guys know of any opportunities at Riot Games? Or if there’s someone I could contact regarding this? I checked the site and don’t see any opening for security jobs currently, but did see you have a bug bounty program.
Leah: We do have teams that work in security. So it's something available, even if the position isn't open now. I would definitely work on putting together something demonstrable of your skill, portfolio/Github/etc, so when the time comes you'd be ready!
How does the team view the Spirit Blossom event? Was it a success? What were the major learnings from it, and do more events in the future seem likely?
DanCast: We do view it as a success - and our post-event player surveys showed you all liked it too! The main we want to improve from the learnings is the Quest/Win of the Day system. We want to emphasize the win of the day less, and instead have more progress come from have a more distributed cadence of quests throughout the event (not all up front). As well has have the quests be less specific (I know how you feel about challenge 100 units) On the rewards: we saw players want less shards on the event road, and some new more interesting rewards instead, so we're going to work on that.
The art and lore of LoR have been amazing! How do you choose which statline/effect goes with each art/flavor?
Whisper: Great question! During development design works closely with narrative and art to create the art with the statline and effects of the card. So it's less of "choosing" and more creating them together as one complete coherent piece. This will often mean chatting about the theme of the character, what is important about their stat line or effect, and how to best represent those mechanics in the art.
I do love alot of the cosmetics currently available in the game (Guardians, Cardbacks and Boards) Can I hear some more about future upcoming cosmetics that aren't in those categories and more ways to sink my bank account?
DanCast: But you don't love emotes?? Why can't I Jinx OMG reaction in this slack?
There seems to be many cards that seem like they are supposed to be attachted to currently unreleased champions. Is there a reason for releaseing these cards and will you be doing any else like this in the future?
Dovagedys: Cards connections in LOR are a complex network of interactions. There are many cards that are designed for specific champions, but can end up working in past, present, and future decks. We try to release cards together that we think will be the most fun and create the most interesting interactions. And we think it's fun to allude to what could be potentially coming in the future. Yes we will continue to do so in the future.
How Happy were you with the meta before the expansion hit, were you satisfied with the variety of decks played?
Dovagedys: I am extremely proud of LOR's meta since the launch of our game. Before we launched we had a goal of having a metagame that had 10 decks. And we knew that was a lofty goal. However, since the launch of LOR we have repeatedly seen metagames that have 20, 25, 30, and up to 35 different decks that are competitively viable. I am completely blown away by the metagame diversity in LOR's meta game and excited to see it continue to evolve over time.
Just like almost everyone else I love the emotes! So much personality in them and conveys really fun emotions. Especially with how rapidly new emotes are being added are there plans to allow for more emotes to be 'equipped' for a match? And of course which 8 emotes are you running now?
DanCast: Wait...are you hacking to run 8 emotes? Yes, I would love for everyone to have more emote access. We want this, but we want to build a lot of things, so it comes down to deciding our priorities on what delivers the most player value. There may be a time where we have to work on a related feature, so an opportunity to adjust this will come up. My ideal would be an intuitive UI that's fast to use on mobile where a player could access all their emotes. My current fav 6: Not Sure If, Wink, Cheers, Sweating, Into My Trap, and (of course) Obliteration
What was the hardest card from targon to code? Is it some card we've already seen or is it one yet to come?
Dovagedys: Taric has definitely been the most complicated card to code in Call of the Mountain.
When you're not working on LoR things, what games do you like to play? Mostly card games or do you sink your time into games completely different than the ones you work on?
Leah: I play a lot of League of Legends / Overwatch as well. I also love party games to play with friends and platformers, metroidvanias and rhythm games galore. Some of my favorite games are the Ori series, Super Mario Sunshine, Dance Dance Revolution and Beat Saber!
Some players can feel really bad when opponents are able to draw from the top of their deck (although this isn't in my opinion, an issue, but it can be considered something that inherently feels worse than your opponent drawing from the bottom of your deck). Other things that can make a game feel bad are long animations, slow draw speed, etc. I'm sure there are a ton of other things you all do to make the game feel clean and smooth to play (UI), how you can customize your own boards, guardians, etc that make it feel more like "you", along with game mechanics that feel fair. I'm happy for any answer at all! Mostly I'm impressed at how much attention to detail has been given to making the game feel really good to play as often as possible, and wondering how you work out what's working in those areas, what isn't, and what you'd like to improve.
Dovagedys: We have a lot of great plans for LOR in the future. We have worked hard to build a great foundation for the game, but this is only the beginning. Ultimately, the ideas we choose to deliver to make LOR feel better will come from the community. We want to listen and learn from you all to help us choose the improvements that you all want. I think one of the most special parts about the LOR team is how dedicated everyone on the team is to listening to players and learning how to make the game better for everyone. DanCast: The best way to encapsulate it is the LoR team is made up of Rioters who really care deeply about the player experience and are detailed oriented and very creative at their problem solving. I'm honored to work everyone on this team.
What's the basis for your card design in terms of power level? Do you ever just think of a card and say "this card is too strong/weak" and how do you tune it to the level at which it feels juuuust right?
Whisper: Generally when it comes to power level of a have a design we ask ourselves 2 questions. Is this card sensible given the rest of the cards? If not, are there numbers (cost, power, health, effect output) where this could be a sensible card. As for how we decide what sensible is, it's a lot of playtesting, feedback, and evaluating other cards that do similar things.
the enemy Aurelion Sol transform the allie celestials cards into 0 mana cost,is it a bug?
Dovagedys: The interaction of Aurelion Sol level 2 reducing cost of opponent's cards was a bug. We released a fixed for that bug shortly after the release of Call of the Mountain.
Hi id like to say im a huge fan of LoR im wondering what guardian you all like the most personally for me its cosmo :3
Dovagedys: Personally, my favorite guardian is Von Yipp, but it's really hard to choose because there are so many awesome guardians. And I'm excited for upcoming guardians that will become my new favorites
How much of my soul do I have to give you guys to get a spoiler to show during next spoiler season?
DanCast: How could your soul be used to provide players value? I mean if you're going to try to bribe a Rioter, do it with something that we can give back to the players. (Thanks for being cool with this trolling)
Hi Leah :> You mentioned you don't work on the gameplay parts of the game! As someone who has no idea of what software engineers do, would you mind describing which parts of the endproduct you've been working on?
Leah: I do metagame work, on DanCast's team! So Events, onboarding, rewards, quests, end of game are the types of things my team touches. We work to make sure the "out of game" experience feels good to interact with too. There's also plenty of other engineering teams too! Such as those who work to keep our build pipelines running smoothly. And they're all essential to getting LoR out to players
One of the best parts about Legends of Runeterra are the amazing animations we see with many cards, even if they aren't champions. The recent expansion especially is incredible and very beautiful with all the designs and animations. Anyways, what's your favorite pizza topping?
Leah:Pineapple and ham Pepperoni! I'm simple but it's delicious. Also I eat the crust of my pizza first.
Would you consider diversifying the rewards in gauntlets? Because the current icon rewards are granted for the first play/win and then the mode is usually ignored by most players until a new mode/format arrives.
DanCast: Yes, but we're working on rewards that we think will be a better fit and can be more extensible than icons. Be on the watch for one of those future Dev videos to learn more (again, not too soon)
Could you guys already be planning/working on champions cards that are not found in League of Legends?
Dovagedys: we often talk about making new champions that don't exist in League of Legends, but right now we are focused on introducing as many champions from League into LOR as we can. There are over 140 champions in League of Legends and LOR doesn't have 1/3 of them yet.
Do you plan to give support to older archetypes like sea monsters and scouts in current(cotm) and future expansions?
Whisper: We do! Part of future content design is not just expansion of older regions, but also how to add to the archetypes already present.
My question is whether or not there is a plan to add in a spectate mode?
Dovagedys: We are planning to release a spectate mode in the future. I don't think we have given an exact date yet.
When LoR was finally released, was there a sick underground techno party with Poro DJs? How did you celebrate - if at all?
DanCast: LoR released under shelter in place here in LA (and in our international locations), so we ordered some desserts on DoorDash and played online games together. The poro DJs were all booked for LoR's Korean ad team
How did you join Riot, and what made you want to join Riot?
Leah: I was playing League since 2012, and that initially piqued my interest in Riot. I volunteered at a GDC (Game Development Conference) while I was in college and met a bunch of Rioters there. They were all really nice and that really made me want to join :). I graduated in 2017, and started working at another game company in Massachusetts. In 2018 Riot hit me up and after a bunch of interviews I joined!
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind, and most importantly can I pet them?
Leah: I have 2 dogs, Jax and Leo. Not only can you pet them, but they demand pets. This post not sponsored by dogs
Kind of the reverse of a previously asked question - have you designed any cards or will you design any cards soon, knowing they will be champions in the future?
DanCast: We don't have a handshake with LoL for anything like that at the moment, but we aspire to create interesting characters for the world of Runeterra that other teams can pick up and use if they wish. We just hope players love what is put out, and maybe if there's someone the community loves, they could be seen in another game or video or comic or such
I have a question: Are the cards like the Startled Stomper Zoe's creation? (if not hers, is it a creation from her friends?)
Dovagedys: I'm not sure if Zoe creates them or transforms them, but she is definitely involved.
Are there any champions that you agreed to never release?
Dovagedys: No. We hope to release every champion some day.
Whats your favorite ranked reward icon? this includes color difference from the ranks.
DanCast: Diamond Season of Plunder Alas, I ended Plat that season (just like every season)
A large number of champions are based on their "lore" forms rather than translations of their LoL gameplay; what goes into deciding what to focus on for champions? Thresh has an ability much closer to his ingame whereas Karma is entirely about her lore rather than how she acts in gameplay.
Whisper: There are a number of things we tend to look at when focusing on the champion. What is their role in the set, what mechanics do we want to show off through the champion, are there any narrative/story beats we want to hit with them. Usually we try to find what is the version of this champion do we want to design, and then go from there.
when you design a champion, do you always have a primary archetype / deck in mind or do you intend multiple different uses for it? how important is champion versatility as opposed to the cohesiveness of its archetype?
Dovagedys: It varies for each champion. We want all champions to feel special. Some of them are designed with a very specific deck in mind, like Nautilus. Others are designed with multiple decks in mind, like Shen. And yet others are more general, like Twisted Fate. However, we do want every champion to have at least one deck they are best in.
In roughly 3 weeks I'm gonna start my enrolment in a game development degree. As someone who lives in Portugal, is there any way to work for Riot (specifically in the LoR team since that's my favorite Riot game) without moving to the US, while being an active member of the team and not just work in localization?
Leah: LoR development largely happens between our LA and Hong Kong offices. There are other offices where other development happens though. The best way is to check the careers page and see what listings are available for the office you're interested in.
Milk first or cereal first?
Whisper: Cereal first. ARE THERE PEOPLE THAT DO MILK FIRST?
If you had a truck what would you put in it ?
Leah: A smaller truck, of course.
I would like to ask , what is your current view on the success of LoR so far? Has the number of players met your initial expectations or do you feel like there is still an unused potential to lure in new players? As a relatively new player myself who loves the game to death, I feel like so far it hasn't got the attention it deserves so I'd love to know what's the perspective of you as Rioters on the matter.
Dovagedys: We are extremely proud of how many players have been enjoying LOR! We believe this is only the beginning and we hope to see more and more players joining the community over time.
Will there ever be a way to listen to the music of the boards before we buy them?
DanCast: Someday, yes I hope so. We have a lot of things we want to build and limited resources so we have to choose our projects with a lot of consideration. Since a lot of fans and creators preview content on video sites, we focus our efforts on more gameplay experiences for players.
What are your plans when a year from now comes and there are too many cards to balance? Will we have a similar thing to Hearthstone where sets from awhile ago will be unplayable in ranked?
Dovagedys: We want players to always be able to play with their favorite cards. We hope that our model for live balance will help players enjoy the cards they love. And we want to avoid situations where players aren't able to include the cards they love in their decks.
What's the funniest moment of friendly competition/bet/dare/general tomfoolery you've seen your colleagues in Riot do for fun during break-time?
DanCast: @Dovagedys still owes his team a rendition of a Taylor Swift song Dovagedys: yikes @DanCast Leah: We play a lot of games together on breaks and such. I had a friend try to meme me in a game of LoR by vile-feasting my unit that he was going to kill anyways. Unfortunately that unit was Scarmother Vrynna and the extra damage won me the game he would've won. I still tease him about it.
@Dovagedys I'm sorry, but I have to know the story behind you owing your team a TaySwift song.
Dovagedys: Honestly, it's a troll perpetrated by some devious people on my team. Once upon a time I was a singer. I'm also a gigantic Taylor Swift fan and I frequently utilize her songs, lyrics, images, and quotes in team communications. I don't really know/remember how the joke of me "owing the team" began.
At one point someone from the team said that they would look into more options for making the data about viable decks that you all see open to the public. Any updates on that? It's cool to know that there are regularly 20-30 viable competitive decks, but it's hard to see past the data that fansites offer so we the players only have ever a limited amount of insight into what's actually working for people.
Dovagedys: We do still plan on sharing more information around the meta, but we don't have an exact date yet.
What was the biggest emergent gameplay from the community that the team didnt foresee?
DanCast: Hello There was too strong of an emote to include in the starting 6
Lore question: In League, the only Yordle that has a tail is Gnar, and that makes sense due to him being ancient. But in LoR, we have Fae Bladetwirler, a Yordle that doesn't just have one tail, but multiple tails. Are tails on yordles a somewhat common thing nowadays or is it some rare special thing. Also are there any other tailed Yordles I should be aware of in the game already?
Dovagedys: Keep in mind that League only showcases the champions in Runeterra. Gnar is the only yordle champion with a tail, but there are so many yordles that exist in the world of Runeterra that are not champions and many of them have tails.
Finally, could we possibly have some place in the deckbuilder where we could see the card art and flavor text for everything else we can't maindeck? I wanna look at many celestial cards for description or lore reasons and I am never able to.
Dovagedys: As of Call of the Mountain there is a new filter option in the deck builder that will allow you to see the Celestial cards.
Though LoR has a slowly but surely growing competitive scene (e.g. DoR and serverwide tournaments), are there any plans to eventually have our counterpart to League's Worlds with splits and invitationals and everything?
Dovagedys: We hope to have esports some day, but right now we have been very focused on making the game as fun as possible. We are focused on listening and learning to the community to be sure we are making the right improvements. We do hope to have in client tournaments and then eventually esports some day, but right now we don't have a specific date for them.
I would like to know how you would like to lead new players to the game, and if you are thinking of creating an official deck creation system on the LOR website, and if there will be a community deck system like on mobalitcks.
DanCast: Thank you for the thoughtful question. It's a problem space we think about, and we know deck creation is a challenging aspect for many players. Deck Bundles were one idea to give players something new they could use early. We don't want to repeat the work of our partners at Mobalytics, but we are thinking about ways to make it easier to bring friends into LoR.
Since the new patch i've had issue's with SOL'S level up. So when I ahve 20+ power and round ends Sol sometimes just will not level up at all, this has happned in a few of my games were i have had a board 20+ power and he would not level up, any plans to look into this bug?
Leah: I can't speak to the specifics of this bug. But as a neat tidbit about bugs in general: For all bugs they will go through some triage process, including being verified by QA for a consistent repro, heading to production where they decide how impactful the bug is, and finally through engineering where we will of course attempt to fix it. There's a bunch of steps that go in the finding and fixing bugs that makes it a fun process.
Do you have plans to bring PVE game modes? Perhaps an event where there is a boss with a gigantic life, of which the community will have to strive to defeat and win prizes.
Dovagedys: Personally, I would love it if we were able to eventually add some PVE and/or story game modes to LOR. It's something we talk about and hope that we can do at some point, but right now we don't have any specific release date for a PVE mode.
If you had a poro in real life, what would you name it?
How did you deal with the constructive criticism that most card game fans gave to you from the start of when the game was released? Ccg fans like hearthstone or MTG had made their opinions on your game, so I wonder what your opinions are on such criticism that you've been receiving the past few months
Whisper: Constructive criticism is crucial for us to grow and improve the game. We always knew that initial impressions especially from CCG fans were going to be heavily rooted in other games, and that's a totally reasonable starting point. The hope is that as they play and learn more about LoR they're able to see the strengths of what makes the game great. DanCast: One of the areas where LoR's first impression isn't as great is in our rewards (say for Ranked or Gauntlets). In other CCGs, competitive game modes often reward cards. In games where high rarity cards are very hard to get, those rewards look very valuable. So if you just compared rewards like icons or XP to card packs or rare cards, it looks like our rewards aren't motivating. Our philosophy on more accessible cards makes it more challenging to come up with rewards here, and it may take a new player time to see how quickly their collection can grow through the roads and vault to appreciate that difference. We're working on future things we can use as rewards to help with this.
A sandbox mode would be incredibly useful to help teach new players and give new scenarios for "puzzle" challenges and the like. Is there any technical limitation that makes this mode impossible to make? Or is this entirely impossible?
Leah: There is some technical implications to this unfortunately. As far as "puzzles" such as tutorials go, I know they can take some scripting that is special circumstance, which makes it a large time investment. As far as a sandbox mode goes, there's a few things: exposing the right cheats on non-internal builds, the impact of having potentially infinitely long game times, or what to do about crashes as people try to do things that wouldn't happen in a normal game. We'd also have to contemplate how we load cards into the game at random (Do we need to check against your inventory, are we unloading cards no longer in use appropriately, is this impacting your game performance, etc). So not something I would say is impossible, but would take a decent time investment.
Which poro is your favorite?
Dovagedys: Nimble Poro. She's totally awesome. Also during development Steve Rubin (Live Balance Design Lead) wrote a short song about Nimble Poro and I will never forget it.
Love you Riot (?) <--- Question :uwuHeart:
Leah: Oh my, uhm, thank you
Do you think Quinn is acheiving her themeatic fantasy right now? Regardless of power level, do you think she feels 'cool' as a champion?
Dovagedys: I think so. I love Quinn and I'm really happy with her design in LOR. Her level up is one of my favorites.
how much do you take expeditions into account when designing a card (and especially assigning rarity)
Whisper: They are a soft consideration when it comes to initial design of a card. We usually do a larger pass with Expeditions once we know the general shape of the archetype. Rarity is part of that pass, given rarity helps influence appearance rate.
What's your favorite thing about the player base of LoR? Least favorite? spill the tea
Favorite: The dedication to creating a lively, welcoming, and meaningful community space for fans of the game and helping it grow. Second favorite: The love for Spirit Blossom Corina and recognizing her from the promo art Least Favorite: I don't know about some of your emote meta hot takes...
Fave: Y'alls meme game is off the charts and I love it Least: Not enough love and support for the best bot, Slotbot
My favorite thing is the overwhelming positivity of the LOR community. I have been playing games on the internet for a very long time and I have never seen so much positivity in a game community before. It's astounding to me. I am very humbled by and proud of the community we are all building for LOR. My least favorite aspect is the hyperbolic language the community sometimes uses when talking about the metagame, segregating decks that have 52% win rate as playble or S tier and decks that have 50% win rate as tier 2, 3, or even unplayable. I think that language and thought pattern leads to the erroneous idea that there are a small number of decks in the LOR metagame. When the reality is that there are 20-35 decks that all have win rates between 47% and 53%.(edited)
Knowing that in today's time there is a pandemic in the world, how did you deal working from home into developing the game as time passes by?
Leah: The pandemic is definitely a hard thing to deal with. I feel pretty lucky myself that Riot does it's best to take care of us during this time. Since I'm at a computer all day for my job, I try to take some time after work (or sometimes during, shh) to take a walk or rest if I need to. Also making sure to stay hydrated, get plenty of rest, do some cool new hobbies, and talk with people when I'm feeling down! Gotta keep up that strong mental energy.
can we please get an article on how the spell mana system came to be? (and more design articles in general pls) (and less broad pls, the champions article only had like 2 sentences per champion)
Whisper: That is a great question! No immediate promises, but one thing I personally want to do more is write more design articles for y'all. Knowing what parts of design you want to hear about helps a ton.
Was there ever a specific champion that you loved to main and play as in League of Legends that you wished was in LoR?
Whisper: I keep trying to sneak in Twitch, but the other designers keep too many traps down
Hey. Before I spew my bullshit all over the internet, I just want to justify why I feel the need to write this. The past few years have crippled me, the events of the last few months have devastated me. And I'm hoping that in writing this, I'll start to see some sense, logic, or find some hope. Or maybe, just maybe, some mad cunt at the other side of the planet may be able to slap some sense into me, before I, obviously irriversably take my own life. I've been fighting to be a good father for a long time, against a woman who I can only visualise as Lucifer. This woman trapped me when I was in my early 20s, purposefully got herself pregnant while being three months into a relationship, I stood by her and took responsibility for my son, over the course of a year and a half, until my boy was 6 months old, I was subject to abuse, torment and neglect. I was burned, slashed hit, shouted at and put down, until I had enough and we split up, somewhat amicably. It started when my ex then began trying to take my name off my boys birth certificate through less than legal means, I took her to court, any and all allegations you can accuse a man of, I was accused of, I took it, defended myself and after 9 months in court, I got my son back. Over the course of over 2 years then, I tried my best to be the best father I could ever be, whenever I had my boy, it was about him, he was the flame that kept me going, motivated me when nothing else could, over the years I experienced constant parental alienation, my ex partner with routinely drive a wedge between I and my son, through maniplation, coaching and other forms of indoctrination. However, it never worked, I had my time with him, I showed him, through love, that he meant everything to his father, and she was incorrect. End of 2019 she did it again, she fabricated a story, (her ex partner broke up with her and came to me with this information later) she wanted to my son to no longer continue having a relationship with me, his father. And cut all communication between me and my son. Time to dance the dance of court proceedings again, I filed, suited up and was ready to continue, and I did with everything I had. Until Covid hit. So, using the guise of Covid, she stopped all communications again, all whist I had managed to secure interim court arrangements to see him, 4 months went by, for months without any contact, no replies, nothing. The case workers came back with notes from her "she believes that the child having a relationship with her father bears no benefit and she is in the opinion that the best outcome is the child never seeing the father again" you really can't make it up. I fight on, continuing my fight, and wouldn't you know it, I win access. Fucking yes, but due to covid, its stepped due to the time I hadn't had him, sure, I take it under my belt and deal with it. I go down to see him and start repairing the damage. That's when things really start getting bad, but for entirely different reasons. Turns out I had a secret sister, I had been brought up in a "military" household full of esteemed air force legends. Little did I know, that it was all a lie, come full force when I discovered that my war hero father was a stolen valour sociopathic Walter Mitty. Using his air force cover for his numerous affairs on my mother, my role model, I saddle up with my siblings, bear the brunt and start dealing with that, get my head in a better place so when the truth came to light, I'd be ready, ready to support my mum and give her the strength and resolve to overcome 40 years of lies and deceit. 2 months go by, my mum's father, a real gentle soul, loved his daughters and his tomato plants, passes away. My mother takes it hard, and we do everything in our power to hold her through it. Watching our father weezle and try his darndest profit from it, he becomes the saddest person in the room and revels from it. We grit our teeth, be strong, be the person she needs you to be. It comes to a head when one of my siblings asks, somewhat abruptly if our mother knew he wasn't in the air force. Sparks fly and we race 30 miles to our home town to ensure that she's safe, when we get there, he's waiting, armed with deflection. We asked him to tell the truth and we received none, he had a form pinned to his fridge, "it's my application for my service history" he said, smirking with a sign that said "officers mess" above his dining room, classic fucking Walter. I tried to get the service history as he wasn't aware we had spent the last 2 months speaking with the airforce, officers from the era he alleged to have served, and we had obtained all the records of pilots who trained to fly the jets he claimed. We uncovered some right shit, our esteemed ancestors were not military leaders of yore, but polish coal miners, grew up being told I was Austrian, even learnt the language as tribute, scheisse. I digress, he snaches this document from me, something along the lines of 'fraud' from his service number being known, ironic as hell. Mum flips, kicks us out, we tell our mum the truth, the save the details, shit goes fucking crazy and the fucking oaf gets a coffee over his head. Not like it meant much then, since 24 hours later he was forgiven. Neat. Exiled myself from my family and turned the other way, done with it. I'm out Spend the next couple of weeks gathering myself, working on resilience, strength and putting it aside so I can continue to work hard, get my son's room ready will all new kit, two days before I'm due to see him, boom. Once again, my world shatters. I get a lovely text, saying that my son has been moved to the other side of the country. No warning, no process, he's just gone, address? They dont have one 'yet' allegedly. If I want to see him, best drive 12 hours for an hour of contact, I can't even afford to fuel to do that. I brainstorm, get a plan, I plan on buying a van, converting it into a camper, drive over every other weekend and take him on camping holidays. By the time I could afford that, how much time would I have lost with him, if the system failed me this bad while I was 35 miles away, how's it going to cope when it's over 500. So that's it, I've lost him, in the blink of an eye, my family is destroyed. Any propect of being a good father is stripped away. I'm fucking broken. Everyone keeps telling me how amazing I'm doing "I couldn't be as well as you with all that shit", "fuck knows how you're coping". I'm not, I'm sat here thinking about closing down, rage quitting, what ever sweet spin you can put on ending your own life. Seriously though, I commend everyone who's dealing with more serious shit than this, people who've literally lost their children to tragedy. Lost their loving parents. Had their world's split apart and still keep fighting. I commend you and I have so much fucking respect. I've hit my limits though chaps, if you've made it this far, thank you for letting me vent, share some personal tragedy. Enjoy your weekend. Peace.
2020.08.28 19:08 GlassnGrassYesterday I tried to write my story and the app crashed as I was nearly done. You guys convinced me to try again today. Bet you weren't expecting a mini novel lol
Yesterday, I took the time to write out everything that seemed to apply to my being depressed and more or less crippled by the weight of that depression. I spent about an hour of my time re-hashing old traumas and bad decisions, and as I was close to finishing...My reddit app crashed and I lost it all. Thankfully, a few kind redditors encouraged me to try again today. So this is attempt number 2 at sharing my abbreviated life story. I apologize if it’s too wordy, I’m known for not being able to tell short stories lol So I want to start off by acknowledging the good in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. I also believe my life has been pretty comfortable and easy compared to a lot of people I know. I have a family that is kind and caring (more on that below), I have amazing friends and acquaintances, and I even have a best friend I consider a brother. I am in good physical health for the most part. I have never had to go without food or warmth outside of the consequences of my own actions. I have 2 dogs that have literally been my heartbeat for the last few years. Without them I was nothing but a drunken mess, spending most of my time crying on the floor of my parents spare bedroom. They are literally why I get out of bed in the morning these days. I’m not ugly (not that it’s super important, but it’s not something affecting my confidence) and while I’m kind of awkward sometimes, I know I am a good conversationalist. I don’t have an issue finding common ground to relate to people most of the time, and making people comfortable enough to be 100% real around me is something I pride myself on. I have musical talent, a gift that has helped me through most of the hard times (also more on that below) and I’m not incompetent when it comes to using tools to create things that I need for my home, garden, or other random activities. Okay, there’s some positives for you. I know its a duality. I know it’s not ALL bad. I have things to live for. I have reasons to fight and to hang on. That being said...I’m just gonna dive right into the events throughout my life that have (from my perspective) shaped the person I am today. So first I think it’s important to talk about my family, because they are an underlying theme of a lot of the things I’m going to talk about. After that, I’m gonna dive into my story starting at my childhood. My mom and dad are still together, and have been for over 30 years. I am 32, and my younger sister is 24. We are all kind to each other and love each other. My sister and I have always been super close, with a short period in our teens where we went different directions for a bit. My parents have always supported me in everything I’ve ever wanted to do. They never beat me or hit me, and always used their words to communicate my mistakes and short comings. That being said, my family is absolutely dysfunctional. My mom and dad are together, but their marriage is more like a couple of room mates who happen to have kids together. My dad has slept on the couch ever since I was about 14, and I don’t remember the last time I saw my parents kiss or flirt or anything like that. They get along really well these days for the most part, but there were some reallllllly rough spots in the past. My dad is a very kind man, and he is very sociable. However, he is sort’ve like a frat guy that never grew up. He drinks beer every day, usually starting around 9 or 10 AM, and when he gets drunk it’s impossible to communicate with him. Pointing out that he’s drunk makes him really mad and never helps solve anything. He is not an abusive drunk, physically, though the case could be made for unintentional mental abuse. He’s a good guy with a good heart for the most part. But he always wanted to go party with his friends when I was a baby, and I have heard stories of my mother having to literally drag him out of bars before. He used to take me to the bar with him when I was super young; I only have dream-like memories of this. Nothing I can hold onto, but the flash of an image here and there if I concentrate. He never hit any of us or anything, but a majority of the arguments between him and my mom were his fault. My mom is great honestly. She is the glue holding our family together. She has always been quirky, but she’s very very intelligent. She taught me to read by having me read “The tommyknockers” by stephen king as my first book LMAO!! She would read and I would follow and ask questions and slowly but surely I learned to read this way. I don’t remember ever not being able to read, so I know this happened when I was super young. This is probably the thing I am most grateful for in my whole life. I loved reading throughout my whole life, and only really slowed down after college attempt number 1 (more on that below). She always plays devils advocate (which I hate, but appreciate) in an attempt to get me to either out-debate her, or to just strengthen my own views. Mostly just to argue though it seems lol. She is the breadwinner in our family. She currently is the only person in our household working (my dad just randomly decided he was retiring this year even though he has no money saved, no income, and no plan) and while my dad sorta does a househusband kinda gig, he half asses it most days to the point that I personally see it as an insult to my mother. Especially since he’s spending her money on beer and then lying about how much and how often he drinks. (this has been a problem since before I was born). The one thing about my mom that has negatively affected our family, is that she is (now mostly recovered) a hoarder. Her mom, my grandmother is as well to a much more extreme degree. It didn’t start until I was about 8 or 9, and we moved into the house we currently live in. We moved because my sister was born and we needed more space, but it quickly began to just fill up with junk mail, unpacked boxes, trash, dirty dishes, and eventually animals. It was a zoo at one point. We had 11 cats, 3 dogs, a couple hamsters and guinea pigs, all of whiched pissed on the floors of the house pretty much indiscriminately. It was a huge issue for me as a teenager (albeit a petty one in retrospect) because I was so embarrassed to have people over to my house...and I smelled pretty bad sometimes because of the proximity of my clothes to random piles of piss or shit. It was bad for us and for the animals. The only other thing she ever really did that bothered me happened pretty much when the internet first came out. She would go to work, come home, get on the computer, and be on it til bedtime. She would get mad if she couldnt use the computer right away when she got home and we had to beg and plead to get a few minutes here and there of her time or to use the computer. Ultimately though, this didn’t affect me super negatively as much as it just annoyed me. My sister….well really nothing negative to say here at all. She’s the best of us. The smartest, wisest, most successful so far, and just an inspiring and wonderful person to know. I love her to death and I couldn’t have asked for a better confidant and partner in crime during my childhood. I honestly can’t think of a single thing she has ever done or said other than regular kid stuff that has ever negatively affected me. She’s just great, y’all. That’s a bit about us individually, and just know that as a family, we have been blessed in that we really do have each others backs when it matters, and we’ve never had to go without food, warmth, or comfort during hard times. We are truly a very lucky family. That being said, I mentioned the dysfunction. It’s hard to explain without me coming off as ungrateful, which is why I tried to list a lot of the positives up to this point. I have never had a guide in my life. I never had anyone who would talk to me about what life is and what I should be doing with it. I know a lot of parents cross many boundaries in trying to force their kids to do things, but my parents have always been reaction based, and are almost never proactive. If something wasn’t going wrong RIGHT THEN, it could be put off til later. For years, I was left to my own devices as long as I wasn’t hurt, sick, or causing trouble. My parents were just tired from working in my opinion, and they were happy to keep me distracted with video games. I began to become obsessed with video games (still am today) and games quickly became an escape from reality for me. I found myself going to school and sorta learning, but I have ADHD so most of the time I’d get bored and just read books. My teachers mostly just let me because they saw I was reading novels. In first grade I remember having to read and do a book report on this stupid “Boxcar Children” book series to prove I wasnt just pretending to read novels to not do school work. I finished the book in like an hour and finished the report in less time than that lol. They let me read whatever I wanted after that. Things were fairly normal for the most part until my sister was born. This is where things finally start to play into why I’m writing this in the first place. If you’re still reading this, I thank you. I tend to ramble and I’m trying my best to keep just the important stuff. So when I was in 4th grade, my sister was born and we moved into the house we now live in. I had to switch schools, and holy shit was I not ready. My original elementary school was amazing. I had friends there, and there was little to no bullying at all. We pretty much all got along for the most part and it was an atmosphere of respect and kindness. It was a complete 180 at my new school. From day 1, the bullying began. I got made fun of for my clothes being weird. Shorts too short, disney character on my shirt. I didn’t stand up for myself so it got worse quickly. It started with the insults which escalated quickly, from making fun of my clothes to literally being told “I bet you suck your own dad’s dick you faggot”. I would normally just put my head down and cry when this happened because I didn’t understand what I had done to make them dislike me so much. Then at recess, it started getting physical. It was just shoving and a random punch here and there at first. But it eventually escalated to me being punched and kicked while on the ground, surrounded by 3 or 4 boys all laughing while they beat me. I finally managed to say something to my teacher about it AND HER SOLUTION WAS TO MAKE ME SHAKE THE HAND OF THE LEAD BULLY. I’ll never forget the smug look on his face, or how he whispered “You shouldn’t have told on us” as he crushed my hand in that handshake. I tried to tell my parents, but they were overwhelmed with work and my baby sister. The most I ever got from them was a “Well, you know what they say isn’t true so don’t let it bother you.” I never one got a conversation about standing up for myself, or how to protect myself. So this went on all through elementary and middle school. I had friends, but none that would stick up for me during the worst of it. Eventually though in middle school I found Band, and things got a lot better. I had friends with common interests, and a skill I could focus on improving that wasn’t just video games. Those friends stayed with me through High school, and I still keep in contact with them today from time to time. So at this point in my life, going into high school, I was VERY introverted. I barely talked to anyone I didn’t know, and I constantly sought approval from others. Any relationship I had (romantic or otherwise) I would cling to, as it gave me a sense of self. If I mattered to someone else, then I mattered ya know? I didn’t know myself at that point. I didn’t know I was a person that needed self love. Like I could see other people living their lives, but the thought never crossed my mind that I had to build my life the same way. I was a spectator to everyone else living their lives, and I was just trying to stay out of the way and not be a burden. High school was actually great for me. I found marching band and jazz band and REALLY excelled at music. I won scholarships and awards for playing the saxophone. I was truly a monster, I won one of the highest achievable improv awards in the state for High school at the Purdue Jazz Festival my senior year. (not to brag, but to show that I took it very seriously). So I had something of my own that helped to begin to define me. That was great for me. My first year of college was a train wreck. I begged my parents to help me with admissions and figuring out just what the hell I was supposed to be doing as far as getting enrolled and getting financial assistance. They never helped me. To this day, I still don’t know why. I’ve talked to them about it and my mom basically just said she didn’t know any more than I did about it and I figured it out myself anyway so no harm done. (that’s how she felt at the time, not how she feels now.) I know lots of people have to do it all themselves, but for as big an introvert as I was, this was super difficult for me. I managed somehow to pull it all together though and started that fall as a music major. Things were great for a while, but 2 major factors came crashing together at the same time and ended my saxophone career. The first was that I played so damn much every day that I developed TMJ. It’s a jaw condition that is more or less like having tendonitis but in your face lol. Needless to say, it became excruciatingly painful for me to play my horn. At the same time, I was falling out with my saxophone professor because of his teaching methods. He is an amazing sax player, but a horrible teacher. He tried to force me to do everything exactly the way he did it (to be fair, it’s how he got so good) but he wouldn’t ever let me do things my way. I play from feeling first usually. I literally feel music and can hear it in my head perfectly. I can’t always play or communicate what I’m hearing on the first try, but music to me is a language I can understand at the level of my soul. I know it was important for me to learn all the ins and outs, but he was suffocating me. I remember once, we had a performance and I had one of the lead solo’s in our closing number. It was a super funky tune (can’t remember the name now) but I basically just got to spaz out for like 64 bars of funkadelic sax riffs. Right before we went on stage, my professor asked me to play my solo NOTE FOR NOTE. (I usually approached improv with a few rehearsed licks, but I would almost always just play what came to me in the moment, knowing I had some solid melodies to fall back on) So when I told him that I hadn’t memorized something to play, he took my solo away. On the spot. Knowing my friends and family were there and I had told them to expect my solo at the end of the show. That was pretty much the final straw. The day I dropped out of college (the first time) was the day he made me cry in his office because I tried to explain all of this to him and he pretty much just said “Too bad, you gotta play the music that gets you paid so you can play the music you want to play.” That was one of the harshest truths I had ever heard up to that point. In retrospect, he was right. He also could have compromised with me to make sure he wasn’t killing any and all enjoyment I got from my instrument. By this time, I could only play for 20 or 30 minutes at a time anyway before my jaw would either lock up or just start throbbing. So I dropped out. I got a full time job right away, and decided to move out of my parents house. Home life wasn’t terrible or anything other than the hoarding and lack of functioning as a unit. I just needed some independence. After about a year and a half of working as a fork lift operator at Sweetwater Sound, I started feeling like I wasn’t being paid enough. I was only making $.75 an hour more than the new hires who just had to pack boxes. Yet, I was the main forklift operator in the warehouse during the week. I trained people, and even came in on weekends to organize things the way I liked them. When I asked for a raise, they said they couldn’t budget it. Meanwhile, the owner of the company BOUGHT A HELICOPTER and started flying to work a couple times a week even though he lived less than a 20 min drive from the building. I couldn’t believe it. He then proceeded to freeze wages warehouse-wide during christmas because he didn’t want anyone to get a raise right before we would be working 10 to 20 hours of overtime every week. To date, this is one of the biggest slaps in the face an employer has ever delivered to me. Next are some events that are worthy of a post of their own that lead to the next transition in my life, but to prevent this from becoming an even longer story, lets just say I made some questionable partying decisions that led to me almost getting arrested. I decided pretty much out of nowhere that I was tired of being taken advantage of, and not happy with the path I was heading down. The day after almost getting arrested, I walked into the recruiting office of the Indiana National Guard. The recruiter promised me he could get me in ASAP, so I quit my job that day. I got a 95 on the ASVAB, but chose infantry because I could get a $20k signing bonus and they could ship me to basic in only 2 weeks. So literally 10 days after walking into that office, I left for Fort Benning, GA. This is the part of the story where things get truly complex. To anyone who has read this far, I truly thank you. What I’m about to talk about, I have shared only with those closest to me in full detail. I went on to write a lot of songs about this period of my life and the things I learned and experienced. But this is going to be controversial. I may catch some blowback from my opinions, but I’m gonna do my best to just tell exactly what happened without putting too much of my own perspective on it. I had been in 7th grade when 9/11 happened. I saw the second plane hit live on the news, and I always thought I would someday try to join the military to some degree, to do my part. I bought into all the propaganda, and was kind of a “MURICA” asshole for a while. So me joining the military wasn’t truly out of nowhere, other than that I was a scrawny lanky kid trying to join the infantry lol So, after a few days at Camp Atturbury in Indiana where they did our processing, I shipped out to Ft Benning, GA AKA Sand Hill. Upon arrival, we turned in our personal belongings and had our heads shaved. Then they took us into an auditorium and had us sit. There were probably between 100 and 200 of us, it’s hard to recall specifically as there was a lot going on around me and inside my head at that point. They brought out a few CO’s and NCO’s to talk to us about what to expect over the next few weeks. The last speaker however, was a chaplain (a religious officer if you don’t know, basically an army pastor). The chaplain came out and one of the first things he said was something that still haunts me to this day. “I know a lot of you are having internal conflicts about your decision, and that’s okay. I’m here to tell you that GOD will NEVER punish you, for killing the enemies of America.” I was shocked. This was the same rhetoric our enemies were telling their troops. My mother is an atheist and my father is one of those christians who never prays, reads the bible, or goes to church, or really anything at all other than say he’s a christian because his parents were. I personally was agnostic, and mostly saw religion as a tool to control people at that point. (I have developed my own spiritual beliefs as of this period of my life, but I was an asshole about not letting people act like their god made them better than anyone else). So my natural instinct when confronted with something I can’t change is to go super introverted. I locked my lips, kept my head down, and tried to fly under the radar. I figured maybe if I could just get through basic training, it would be different at my unit. Basic training was one of the greatest and worst times of my life. I learned more about myself and what I’m capable of than any other period of my life, unquestionably. I became physically strong, mentally disciplined, and even saw a potential path for a career in the military for myself. I thought I could change things, or at least rise through the ranks enough to be an example of a different way to be. I was wrong. While I gained a lot of personal strength there, I gained even more psychological baggage. The racism and nationalism is unbelievably strong, at least in my personal experience there. Our drill sergeants would frequently refer to middle eastern people as “Sand N******”. I absolutely despise that word, and couldn’t believe my white drill sergeants were using it in front of my fellow black soldiers. They just hijacked one of the most derogatory insults in history and started casually tossing it around towards another group they hated. It was disgusting. They were trying to desensitize us for the very strong likelihood that we would someday have to kill these people, and I knew in my heart that I couldn’t bring myself to kill someone who wasn’t actively trying to kill me. And if another country invaded mine, and soldiers came to my home and mistreated my innocent family members, I would probably attack them too. I started seeing that it wasn’t such a simple issue. There were many layers to what was happening overseas, and we were only hearing the parts that would help us be better suited to accomplishing the goals of the army, regardless of whether it was completely honorable or not. This is where I fear I will lose most of you. From my first hand experience, I don’t believe that our government or military has the best interests of it’s people at heart. We can have a whole discussion about how soldiers are treated after coming back from war, and the almost complete lack of actual care they receive. Let alone the fact that most of these wars are started by rich folks who wouldn’t even send their own children off to fight. So needless to say, I felt even MORE introverted because I couldn’t really share how I felt with anyone around me. I was so afraid of being seen as a traitor or terrorist because I honestly believed that we were not the good guys anymore. (I still don’t support the majority of our government and its policies, but again, that’s another long conversation). So this was a horrible time in life for me. I was stuck in the army, hating the majority of it, and feeling like if I said anything I could end up in jail or military prison. They REALLY scare the shit out of you at basic with the whole AWOL thing. They try and make you believe that if you try to leave the military or if you don’t follow orders that they will court marshall you and try to put you away for as long as possible. I didn’t even realize until wayyyy later in life how fucked up it is to have to threaten peoples literal lives to get them to conform to your ideology. After a few months however, I graduated as an 11Bravo, and came back home an infantry soldier in the National Guard. At my unit in my home town, things were a lot better. I only had drill one weekend a month, and then a 2 to 3 week training camp in the summer time. I met a lot of really good men and women at my unit, and for a short time, I had hope that my experience at basic was a standalone experience. I even accepted a job as a recruiter for the Guard, and ended up recruiting a couple of my friends and a few others that my Squad leader and head recruiter basically tossed my way. I made unbelievable money off of recruiting, which I now realize was so that I didn’t think too much about what I was doing. I was convincing kids with no life experience that what I had done was the right way to go, while knowing in my heart I didn’t believe it to be true. One of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life. I still think about it from time to time and wonder if I caused anyone the same trauma I deal with. I deserve it if I did. So, eventually there came around an opportunity to go on a deployment to Afghanistan, on an agricultural mission. It would have been mostly helping locals set up farms and sustainable living situations in areas affected by the war. Seemed like I could finally do some good in the world. But I was a private. In the NG, if your unit isn’t the one being deployed, you can volunteer to join a unit that is being deployed. However, it goes by rank first. As a private I was at the bottom of the list. NG deployments are honestly easy money if you don’t have family. You get paid full time army pay, tax free, plus additional bonuses for being overseas in a combat zone, and MOSTLY the NG would just do base and convoy security. We were essentially back up for the regular army, which compared to what the active duty soldiers had to deal with was a cake walk. After being denied the deployment, I decided to try and shift gears. I wanted to take advantage of my free college money and I set off for Indiana University, Bloomington. I joined ROTC and decided that I would become an officer so that I could have some say in how things went around me. I absolutely loved my time at IU. I didn’t care for the military stuff as much, because it was basically again just a bunch of kids with no life experience being brainwashed towards certain ideologies and borderline nationalism. I spent a year and a half at IU, trying to get a degree in Fitness and Nutrition, with my overall goal to become an officer that would help with physical training and overall health of soldiers. It was my way of helping my soldiers, but not directly participating in violence. Fast forward to the bailouts for the banks and the auto industry...One of the first things our state cut to afford the federal bail out was tuition for soldiers who had not been on a deployment that were currently in school. So, even though I had volunteered for a deployment and been denied, they were going to cancel my school money, even though it was in my contract. I couldn’t believe it. I had done everything I was supposed to, even against my own morals at times, and then I got stuck with over 12,000 in back tuition. I couldn’t afford it and it was clear I would have to drop out of school again. I had reached my limit however with the army. This part is another where I fear I will lose some of you, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to understand if you hadn’t experienced it yourself. But I decided to find a way out. I had been tricked into working for an organization that didn’t care for me, and I was under threat of military prison if I tried to break it off. Even if I dodged jail time, I would get a dishonorable discharge and that would ruin my future. I wouldn’t ever be able to get a good job with that on my record. This is probably where the biggest break in my mind happened, up to that point in my life. I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t know how friends and family would react. I thought everyone would be disappointed or mad, or that they would see me as a traitor. It’s almost impossible to confidently say “I do not support our governments actions, nor the direction it is heading” as a soldier. It’s like signing your own death warrant. You’ll be immediately cut off from most of your fellow soldiers, and judged by people you thought were your friends. Luckily, I had a few people to confide in who understood my position even though they didn’t necessarily see it applied to them in the same way. But never the less, I had enough support to decide to do SOMETHING. I finally drove back to my unit in my home town to have the conversation about wanting to separate from the military. That did not go well...AT ALL. It was drill weekend so everyone was there. I showed up unexpectedly, and was asked to wait in an office with some of the NCO’s until they got everyone going on training so we could talk. I initially told them that I was there to talk about my status as an ROTC cadet (not a complete lie) and so they were fairly normal to me and mostly just wanted to talk about what training was like at IU. Eventually however, the 1st sergeant of our company came in and that’s when shit hit the fan. I somehow mustered the courage to squeak out the basic concept that I didn’t want to be a part of the army anymore. My first sergeant exploded. I have never in my life seen someone go from calm cool and collected, to ready to kill SO QUICKLY. This man went OFF on me. He began SCREAMING in my face that I was a traitor. That I was stabbing every man in the back I had come to respect and serve with. He called me any name he could think of that communicated how subhuman I was. (never tried convincing me to stay I should note) it was horrible. To this day, the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was so ashamed. I already felt unbearably guilty for being a failure as a soldier, and now this man was confirming everything I thought people might say about me. He then told me I had to stay for the rest of the drill weekend (I had driven up just for that day because I had finals that week at IU, and wanted to at least finish out the semester before dropping out due to money.). I wasn’t allowed to leave, and they said if I did that they would call the police. They basically just had me hang out there the rest of the weekend, and they sent a few soldiers they knew were my friends one by one to talk to me. Once they realized I wasn’t changing my mind, they just left me alone. Then something amazing happened. Our supply sergeant, who had been a solid mentor before I went to IU asked me to drive with him back to my home town (they were training out of city) with him. Supply left early so that when everyone else arrived, they could check all the gear back in quicker and get everyone on their way. On the way back he basically told me that if I helped him get all set up back at the base, I could leave before everyone else came back. I was so grateful that I worked harder than I ever had when we got back. I busted my ass to unload and put trucks and gear away before the majority of our company made it back. This sergeant then called me into his office and had a conversation with me that literally saved my sanity. He didn’t make me elaborate on my feelings too deeply, but he could see that I had transformed. Before I left for IU, I was very strong willed, strong physically, and SUPER gung ho about the army. I wanted to go to ranger school and he was helping me train. The person in front of him now however was a broken, terrified, child in pain. He basically told me that since I was only a private, and since I had all my gear turned in, that I could just leave and never come back. He said that in the NG, going AWOL can have a few consequences. They can prosecute you, and request jail time or money, they can take away your rank and force you to carry out the terms of your contract or send you to jail, among other things. But what he said next I almost couldn’t believe. His exact words were “Sometimes, we just let people go because it isn’t worth the paperwork. Is it really that bad, man?” I couldn’t even meet his eyes because of the tears in mine, but I nodded. He said Okay, and told me I was free to go. I literally sprinted out that building to my car (my girlfriend that drove with me from IU had left it in our hometown for me and had her parents drive her back...yeah, she’s awesome, we are still cool to this day) and began uncontrollably sobbing the moment I got behind the wheel As soon as I could drive, I did. I didn’t want the rest of my company to show up and to see me so broken. On my drive to my parents house, the supply sergeant called my phone. He asked me one final time if I was sure about my decision, then he wished me well and sent me on my way. I calmed myself enough to drive back to IU (a 3 hour drive from my home town) and took my finals that week before officially dropping out. I moved back in with my parents in my home town, now 23 years old and with nothing of my own to my name except my car. I had to pay back my signing bonus so I literally had nothing left, and I was still stuck with my debt to IU. A few weeks passed and I got a package in the mail from the National Guard. Inside were discharge papers, and a certificate for a General Discharge under honorable conditions. I had a guardian angel in the shape of a supply sergeant who pulled some strings for a guy he didn’t owe a damn thing to. I’ll never forget that. The relief I felt that day, is almost indescribable. All at once, my fear and outright terror subsided. I had managed to get myself out of a horrible situation, and I even had a chance at a future. It was one of the happiest periods of my life. I got a job as a server at Olive Garden and fell in love with the job. I had been an introvert all my life, but my experiences in college and in the army had helped me deal with that and for the first time in my life, I was confident and social. I was a great server. I enjoyed the fact that I spent all day making people satisfied and happy, and I LOVED MY CO WORKERS. To this day, I’m still friends with the majority of those people. I worked there for about 2 years and dont regret a single day of it. During that time I partied a lot. Slept around. Dated. Tried to just live a normal life. Something I should have mentioned earlier, is that during the time I was at IU I got back into music. Its another long story, but I got SUPER into hip hop music. I realized all the jazz and music theory I learned applied directly to Hip hop, and after writing my first rap and leaving all my friends jaw dropped, I knew I had something special. I used rap to talk about everything that was happening with the military and my state of mind. This was my way of getting it out of me without directly telling anyone. A funny thing about rap, is that even if you’re talking about how depressed you are; if you sound cool while doing it, people pay attention to the rhythm and flow, and not as much what you’re saying. I’ll leave a link to my last free mixtape at the end of this, as proof of skill lol But, it’s truly super important to the next chapter of my life. I decided I was going to be a rapper. I know. Trust me, I know. But honestly, I’m great at it. I understand words and music to a level that rhyming and forming cadences comes more naturally to me than anything else in the world. I probably could have made this whole post rhyme and flow if I wanted to lol I started writing and recording non stop, trying to improve myself and to start showing people I knew what I was doing. After separating from the army and moving back to my home town, I started making music with co workers and other artists I met in my city, and eventually became part of a group called Far From Fake. All of our music was about our disappointment in the music industry, and about how far rap had fallen. Rap is in my opinion one of the greatest art forms humans have ever created, when done right. The amount of information and emotion one can convey in a song is borderline magical. Some of the things I’ve written I don’t understand to this day how it all fell into place. Like for example, one line I wrote that I still love is: “This needs more than assessment, Supreme court intervention, This my country, And I swore to protect it, From all enemies both foreign and domestic” Say that out loud with the commas being the end of each bar and I think you’ll see what I mean. So for a few years, my fellow artist friends and I played shows and tried to build up our online presence (although I admit I never took it as seriously as I should have, because part of me was still afraid of exposing myself to society because I didn’t want to directly talk about what happened to me in the military. I thought I’d be seen as a traitor still). We had great times and wrote some really dope music. Then….I fell in love harder than I ever had before. (continued in part 2) Part 2: https://www.reddit.com/depression/comments/ij4gzn/my_story_part_2/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
2020.08.28 07:17 AussieHIFIREFolks need heroes – but you shouldn’t follow them
I wrote a similarly titled post a while back about people getting inspired to follow the FIRE path by finding a blogger who they can relate to. It’s great to know that there are other people out there at a similar stage in their life to your own and you have someone that you feel a connection with. I think it’s fantastic that the Aussie FIRE blogging scene has so many people in different situations that even if there isn’t someone for everyone just yet, there is at least someone for most people and often several someones. I think it’s important to keep in mind though that even if your favourite blogger is in a seemingly similar situation, that’s not the same as it being exactly your situation. Often I see comments in Facebook groups or here or on other bloggers posts where the comment is very clearly taking what some blogger has said as being the only possible viewpoint on a subject. So this post is about why you shouldn’t be following any of us bloggers blindly and should be adapting everything to your own situation. We’re not you For the most part FIRE bloggers (including myself) tend to talk primarily about their own situation, this is pretty much what you would expect given that a lot of blogs are mostly about the bloggers personal journey to achieving FIRE rather than advice for other people. Some of us do try to talk about other scenarios, but the reality is that it’s pretty difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I don’t know what it’s like to be a single parent, to have a spouse in paid employment who can’t look after the kids, to not have our level of income, to have a mortgage, to have a partner who is not onboard with FIRE, or any of a number of other scenarios. Obviously I can try and imagine some of them, but it’s not the same as living them. I do have some experience with other situation like being young and single, being part of a DINK couple, renting, living in expensive cities and a bunch of other stuff, but most of that was at least 5 years ago and often a lot more. So my memory of what it was like isn’t exactly great, and I almost certainly remember the fun stuff a lot more than the boring or stressful stuff. So when I write about situations that aren’t how I’m living now, it’s generally not going to be 100% accurate and likely will have some major differences compared to how things actually are for someone who is living that life currently. Likewise when other bloggers write about other scenarios, in particular the stuff they’ve never actually experienced, there’s a good chance that at least some of it is going to be different from the actual situation. Why does it matter? Ok so fair enough, we’re not you. But what difference does it make, surely it’s all near enough right? Well actually it can make a huge difference. I’ve seen people saying that blogger X doesn’t have personal insurance so therefore I don’t need personal insurance. And if you’re in exactly the same position as blogger X then that’s probably true. But if blogger X is a 50yo with no kids who owns their own home and has a 7 digit portfolio, and you’re a 30yo with 3 kids and a mortgage and pretty much no portfolio because you’re spending most of what comes in, well then you need to have personal insurance to protect yourself and your family financially. Likewise if blogger Y has no emergency fund because they’re living at home, work in a secure job, don’t have a car, and have a big portfolio they can tap as well if they need to plus a partner who is working, then that might be appropriate for them. But if you have your own home as well as a bunch of investment properties, do contract work that is very on and off, and have a car that is getting to the stage where it is likely to need major repairs, you need an emergency fund. This applies to pretty much all aspects of what we talk about with FIRE. I wrote a while back about why I don’t automate my finances, basically it boils down to being able to get a discount by being able to make an annual payment rather than monthly, and being disciplined enough that I’ll still save and invest money. But there are lots of people out there who need a system that will do it automatically for them rather than having to manually make investments, and so they’re best off making the monthly payments instead and in the same way making monthly investments. This might also mean that instead of investing via ETFs they’re better off having a managed fund which will automatically take money out of their account each month. Most of us bloggers have a fairly simple holding structure where we hold investments in either our own name, a partners name, or in joint names. Which works fine for us, but if you work in a profession where you’re a good chance of being sued and having someone come after your personal assets, not so much. Similarly if you’ve got a more complex family structure like a second or third marriage, or for whatever reason you don’t share finances, then it may make sense to hold your investments through different structures. There’s lots of other examples like this. It makes a lot of sense for me to salary sacrifice into super given I’m a fair bit closer to being able to access it than a lot of FIRE bloggers, but if you’re 25 and want to retire as soon as possible then you probably don’t want to be putting extra money into super. In my house it would be fine to use the physical envelope system for budgeting. We don’t do it, but it would be fine. If you live in a share house with a bunch of other people who have dubious morals and might “borrow” your money, that might not work out so well unfortunately. It’s probably fine for a 30yo to have their investments mostly or even all in shares. If you’re 60, maybe less so, particularly depending on how much money you actually have. Basically almost every aspect of what random bloggers on the internet write about how they do things is specific to them and their situation, it isn’t something which is appropriate for everyone. And even if it were, almost all of us have changed some of what we’re doing over time when we find better ways of doing things with no guarantee we won’t change again in the future. To be fair on a lot of the articles I read there is some sort of statement about how what’s being talked about is specific to the blogger or may not be for everyone, but it’s certainly not on every article and to be frank unfortunately no matter what you write someone is still likely to do it regardless of whether it’s a good idea or a bad idea for them. You need to do what works for you There’s certainly plenty of good articles out there talking about the various aspects of FIRE, and it’s great to have read of them to see some of the potential options. But it’s also important to keep in mind that just because it works for someone else doesn’t mean it will work for you. You need to come up with your own plan for how you want to get there. Maybe sometimes you can just do exactly the same as someone else. Sometimes you may be able to use different ideas from different people. Or it could be that you need to come up with something brand new. The important thing though is to come up with a plan that works for you rather than just copying what someone else is doing! Full post with pretty pictures is at this link.
2020.08.28 00:00 perfectmissyHe called me a manipulator
Me and my boyfriend have been having a lot of issues recently. He is very controlling and manipulating. I just dont feel happy anymore. Things are too much now. It was our first Xmas and I told him id see him on Xmas eve but on Xmas day I want to be at home with my parents and he kicked off and was like so you're choosing your parents over me, then we had constant arguments and it just hit to the point where I wanted to break up with him. When I spoke to him he basically said if I break up with him he will do something stupid. I feel I can't do anything without his permission, I literally have to tell him everything and not just the normal ah today I did x y and z. I mean I have to keep him up to date every second of the day. He knows I'm working but he will kick off if I don't reply. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stay but I can't leave. But when we had our 1 year anniversary and he picked a fight over Instagram on the day of our anniversary. I just can take it anymore, then the day after he picked a fight over the fact I'd posted on reddit and didn't tell him. He told me that I have to move out with him by September and if I don't then I'm not ready for a serious relationship. He accuses me of cheating all the time. I feel so broken. But last night it hit me and I snapped and I've broken, we had a huge argument over sex, basically we have been together over a year, but due to covid we havent seen each other since March, so in this time we have found other ways to satisfy ourselves, mainly me doing it for him as I just dont want to do anything sexual. I sent him pictures, we do stuff on cam, even when I really don't feel comfortable doing it and he knows that, but I do it for him anyway, but last night I found out when im not in the mood he will go on the internet and watch stuff, fair enough but I've sent him loads and loads of pictures, I asked him whether he actually looks at what i sent and he said sometimes but not always, so that made me feel second best and unwanted, I told him how I felt, cried my eyes out to him and he laughed at me and said im crazy, then he told me that men are like dogs and a womans purpose is to give him what he wants and belong in the bedroom after he has been hard at work and if she doesnt give him that then he will go find another dog to satisfy himself with. So then that made me feel like an object. I told him I don't really have a high sex drive right now because of my mental state and he told me it's not real and I should have sex with him regardless of my mental state. I told him I'm feeling heartbroken and he laughed and said I'm delusional and that I'm disregarding his feelings. He said that if I don't give him what he wants ie sex then I'm not living up to my duties as a girlfriend. He said the only thing that differs between friends and partners is sex. He said he should be able to get sex from me any time he wants it regardless whether I want to or not I should do it for him. I told him I don't want to speak about it anymore and he said that I'm disrespecting him. I then told him I'm a human not an object and I don't want to be used for sex and he told me im disrespectful and I don't care or love him because I don't give him sex. I told him about one of my friends who broke up with her boyfriend for this exact reason : Porn and my boyfriends response was "if she wasn't giving him what he wanted I don't blame him for going to porn, maybe if she was a more considerate girlfriend she wouldn't of broke up with him so I don't feel bad for her at all and I'm happy for the guy" and I said that it could be us and he said "if you want to break up over something so stupid" so I tried to explain that I'm feeling second best. He doesn't even want me, he would rather look at girls on the Internet. But yet if I like a guys Instagram post whether it's a celeb or friend omg world war 10 because I'm looking at another guy. But the difference is I'm not satisfying myself to another male. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. I told him I'm really upset and that I'm feeling depressed and that sometimes I wanna die and he said "if you kill yourself then you'll be a coward" I can't even speak to him. But then when I try and break up with him I get "if you leave ill turn to drugs or kill myself" he said if 2e break up he will give me my stuff back. I said I didn't want him at my house and can we meet in a public place and he said that I don't have a choice regarding that and it's his decision. So if I try and leave he manipulates me to stay. I don't know what to do. He keeps telling me that he's going to grow a weed tree and smoke weed everyday and if I don't accept it then I don't love him. Truth is... I've fallen out of love with him. But I feel trapped. I cannot leave He told me that I'm a manipulator and manipulates him every day.... But when I asked what makes him think that he can't give me a answer.
2020.08.27 23:58 Money_Grandma[Results] Spicy LGBTQ+ Opinions (anyone who identifies as anything other than straight/cis)
Google Form Spreadsheet I apologize for not posting the results sooner, I've been pretty bust lately. When I made this survey it was like 1 AM and I expected to get a maximum of about 50 responses, I had NO IDEA so many people would take it!! Thanks so much!!! I did get some criticism that the wording of some questions was confusing and/or biased, which is completely fair, so the actual statistical results probably aren't super useful. The main reason I created this survey was to start a discussion and see people's different perspectives, so I've decided to highlight some of the more interesting/thoughtful write-in responses I received. Also, shoutout to the one feudalist who responded. I had more anarchists than people on the right wing of the political spectrum which I thought was pretty interesting. Q: Which group faces the highest level of discrimination?
"Basically not worth entertaining. Trans women and gay men are at the highest risk of hate crimes from strangers, but bi women face the highest incidences of domestic violence, and I believe transmasc people face really high incidences of sexual assault as well. "
"I think we all experience it in different ways. Men don't threaten to "turn me straight" like they might if I was for example a lesbian, but lesbians aren't as often told that their identity was completely made up. I think different experiences are hard to compare. "
" It goes: white gay/bi, nonwhite gay/bi, white lesbians, nonwhite lesbians, white trans men and nb people, nonwhite trans men and nb people, white trans women, nonwhite trans women. In my opinion at least "
"It's all based on what other people precieve you as and how much of a target you make yourself, trans women are usually the most likely to be visible "
" People who don't seem lgbt. Bisexuals in long term relationships with someone of the opposite sex. Heteroromantic asexuals. Etc. "
Q: Is gender a social construct?
"Everything is a social construct - realism is in the eye of the beholder"
"Gender identity itself is not a construct. However, the way it is measured and defined definitely is. Otherwise different cultures wouldn't have more than two genders, etc."
"Gender is a fundamental truth of the human experience with a social construct layered on top of it"
"Gender isn't anything. It is completely meaningless. If someone says "I identify as male", and someone else says "I identify as female", what have you now learned about either? In what ways are they different from each other? What do you now know about their interests, hobbies, personalities, relationships, histories, appearances, anything whatsoever? Nothing. You have learned nothing."
"In the way that we use it now, yes. Originally, it was a medical term like the word sex, but it was created because people felt uncomfortable using the word sex."
"like Butler said, gender is a performance. it could be for yourself or for an audience (like society) but it is an expression of who you are. gender identity on the other hand, is something innate, but flexible."
Q: Are transtrenders a problem? (I'll note that several people misunderstood the question and thought I was talking about transgender people as a whole. Also a lot of people were unfamiliar with the term, sorry about that)
"I feel like some of them can be, but most of them seem to be young who don’t really know what they want, and shouldn’t really be that detrimental, as long as they’re educated properly."
"I mean online it’s an issue, people can build fake personas and try to disrupt communities. But in real life I can’t image anyone doing it maliciously. Maybe some people are questioning and end up eventually deciding that they aren’t trans, but I think that’s okay, and we shouldn’t push people in either direction. "
"I used to be preoccupied with the idea of transtrenders because of my own battles w/ dysphoria but now I don't care. I was nonbinary at one point in trying to figure myself out and I was crushed when people implied I was faking it. Whether its a phase or not for "fake trans people", there's a chance of genuine emotional struggles and journeys. So who gives a shit. "
"Not really their fault, but when health systems are trying to avoid trans health care and surgery, the voices of trans for who this is essential, get erased and kind of silenced"
"Who cares ...if they’re hot I’ll ask for their pronouns"
"Yes, it's hurting kids and teens who are encouraged to do irreparable damage to their body when oftentimes, their gender isnt the root cause of the issues theyre dealing with"
Q: Can queer liberation be achieved in our current society? (Sorry to anyone who felt uncomfortable with my use of the term "queer", I didn't mean to upset anybody)
"1. Don't use the word queer 2. We are pretty much already there 3. It would be impossible in a non capitalist society"
"complete queer liberation is impossible in our current society, due to a lot of factors. one of the main roots of discrimination is religion. because of some people’s radical religious beliefs, LGBT+ will still face discrimination."
"Good things dont really happen like that. The stupid will always need someone to hate."
"I feel that there are a lot of factors, both social and economic, that need to be targeted by liberation and affirmation efforts in order to achieve queer liberation. Because society is complex and nuanced, with intersectionality present throughout, it will take efforts beyond simply abolishing the social construct of gender and capatlism in order to achieve that goal."
"No, Queer people may be able to achieve the same rights as others, though until ALL people enjoy those rights, it is not liberation but is instead just extension of privilege"
"No. We need queerness to reconstruct our current society into a new society in which queer liberation can even be possible."
"so, i'm just gonna rant, apparently. queer liberation cannot be currently achieved, but that's not because of capitalism or the genuine existence of gender. it's because people think that we have to "give" the inalienable rights of our world to people who are queer, as if that's going out of the way. no, those rights have been stolen from them, and it is our duty to give them back, full stop. it would be amazing if we could show everyone the truth that gender exists on a spectrum and not a binary switch, and it sure would be nice if we could start tearing down the walls of capitalism, but those aren't what's holding back queer liberation; it's a warped sense of who deserves to be called a person."
Q: What are your thoughts on allies?
"Cringe. Can cause problems picking fights noone asked them to."
"honestly anything other than "people should be good to one another and support each other" is just encouraging divisiveness, and I'm anti-divisive"
"More solidarity, less allyship."
"My political goals are already achieved, so for me an "ally" in this sense is more an enemy."
"tbh I believe that the very concept of sexual orientation is inaccurate, inapplicable on a personal level, and while being helpful at times, it drives people apart into opposing political groups"
"The LGBTQ+ community, while sometimes a place of acceptance and pride, often is a very toxic, straight-hating and just in general bad community, I'd know. Allies, as such, are usually part of that bad side of the community and want to join in on the toxicness while not being a target for not being LGBTQ+, even the concept of allies is flawed since the core problem and why this has happened is being LGBTQ+ feels almost like a membership card, "you can't do this unless you are x or y" or such things and allies want to get into that toxic mess, why is beyond me. ACTUAL allies, people who support the rights of the LGBTQ+ people, I have no reason to call them anything more than rational people, the label just seems like an attempt to make getting attention easier"
"This question is not worth asking"
"We don't have allies, we offer nothing in the alliance."
"We're turning this into a war that doesn't need to be fought"
Q: Should there be cops at pride?
"ACAB; off Duty cops who are genuinely part of the community should be allowed. Having a system to keep everyone safe, remove/deal with threats, etc is necessary but I don’t think the cops are the right way to go (again, ACAB. But also lack of relevant training and screening for bias etc)"
"cops, like all people, should be welcomed to embrace the person that they are and to support those who need it. asshole cops, and cops that have gotten away with asshole things because of the justice system should not be welcome at a pride event or anywhere else except a prison cell."
"Like any other festival or large event- if they were banned from using any remotely lethal force, mayyyyyybe it would be fine but-oh wait they should have LGBTQ+ police be the leaders if they were to have police there-but still very questionable-they have to be there to support"
"No but perhaps the community cpuld designate certain willing participants as security. Cops are to violent."
"Only if they are actively protesting the police force and its racist and homophobic history"
"queer people and allies of any occupation should be welcome. i'm sympathetic to people with acab-related concerns and want to ensure poc feel safe at pride events but we will not get anywhere by being exclusionary"
"There shouldn’t be a Pride parade"
"Yes, and they need to arrest those who dress inappropriately when children are around."
Q: What are your thoughts on rainbow/pink capitalism? (this one was especially hard to narrow down, there were a lot of unique and nuanced responses, so I'm sorry if I didn't include yours. I tried to highlight the full range of opinions on this subject because there were a lot)
"Advertising is advertising and the people will react to what they want to-its not up to me to decide how they want to market."
"Bullshit. All it does is wind up people who think “the gays are taking over”. It’s all fake and a capitalist scam."
"Capitalism has a long history of patriarchy, which is what queerphobia is based upon. So while companies showing a rainbow flag might mean that social issues are going in the right direction, it is sort of pointless, as they are to some extent a part of the problem"
"Double edged sword. Strong represntation can go a long way to normalize the lgbt community. Especially trans models but there is a a lot of ways to be unintentionally homophobic"
"Even if it’s just a way to get ”brownie points” is still helps with making non-straight people more accepted. It might not be much, but it’s something, and many small creeks make a river."
"Fine if it's a LGBT+ owned company (or specifically for the benefit of LGBT+ ppl, gross if it isn't"
"Fuuuuck that. Be gay friendly all year, not just during pride. If these companies made all their products shades of black and brown during February, they’d be cancelled."
"Happens to everything not just LGBT, I see it as a good thing because it's representation. You can't fight for representation then get angry when corporations start with it."
"I would rather be a homophobe than have my identity subsumed by marketing."
"If reparations aren't given to the queer community then it's a bunch of advertising bullshit"
"It makes straight people think it's okay to adopt our cultural artifacts and makes it very confusing to tell who is gay"
"It plays a significant role in getting society at large to accept the LGBT movement, so it's a positive for the movement. Some very online college students can whine about the capitalist component, but it's not like capitalism is going to vanish any time soon. Even if you hate it, you might as well use it to make the world better instead of shooting yourself in the foot."
"It's perfectly fine. Here in Mexico we get good discounts, really good representation, and overall better opportunities just for being queer. We all enjoy them and I'm honestly thankful for brands that have given me amazing experiences."
"It's ridiculous, and honestly a bit terrifying. If I'm buying a set of automobile tires, I want to buy from a company whose goal is selling tires. That's all. I don't want a side helping of ideology, too, whether or not it's one I agree with. (And chances are, I don't agree with this one.)"
"Representation is good, even when the motives behind it are shitty. But we shouldn't have to settle for only the corporate approved version of queerness being visible and widely accepted in society, and corporations should take action to directly support the lgbtq+ community beyond selling rainbow products/having rainbow logos for pride month."
"The fact that risk-averse legal entities, which exist for the sole purpose of making money, find rainbow pandering profitable is an encouraging sign of the pride movement's success."
"This and the NGO complex have turn the gay rights movement / movement for gender expression freedom in to pure bourgeois identity politics."
" You're free to boycott those companies, use the free market tools to fight fake pro-LGBT companies"
Q: Would you say that you like labels?
"I personally don't care about labels but I understand that they can be helpful to explain to other people how you identify. I also found having a label really relieving when I first came out"
"I personally like labels, however I feel that certain people tend to gatekeep them and be very restrictive on how people use them. I believe people should use whatever label they think fits them best, regardless of whether it can come off as "cringy" or not."
"Labels are for other people to better understand you, so I use labels for others, not myself. If that makes sense. Example: I'll tell my Straight (tm) friends that I'm bi or queer, but my other queer friends get all the nitty gritty detail"
"Labels are useful, but definitions are tricky. The label has to mean something, and everyone has to agree that that's what it means, otherwise it's useless and prone to create more arguments than it solves."
"Words are used for effect. Sometimes they’re useful, sometimes they’re clearly harmful, and sometimes they’re very silly things we get hyperfocussed on and forget that they’re only really there for linguistic convenience. (For example: “bi lesbian” – it’s just a nice shorthand for the Kinsey scale, but people have endlessly debated its “legitimacy”, as if there are some sort of word cops defining things)"
"Yes, but there are too many of them. The internet has taken the gender and sexual spectrums and made it their mission to label every possible point on them."
Q: What are your thoughts on the LGBTQ+ acronym?
"A good acronym needs to be spreadable. Grandpa won’t remember 5 letters."
"I don't dislike it but it kinda erases the political aspects of the word queer"
"I personally prefer GSRM which never needs any more letters and always covers everything. Few people say more than LGBTQ in normal speech. That contains three sexualities, one very general gender description, and a term that no one is clear on the meaning of. Does not seem super effective but that’s the branding that we are using"
"I'd prefer a term that's not an acronym which always excludes someone"
"It's fine as it is. People will always want to add more letters because their fancy new gender or orientation isnt immediately included. Just shows they dont want inclusion, they want attention."
"It's perfect, because it mentions the most common members, but by including the Q and the + also includes every other member without having to name them individually. As long as you can name them in a way that people understand without deliberately excluding some members you're fine. I personally just say 'rainbow people'"
"It's turning into a fucking alphabet soup and since ignorant children are getting pissy about the word "queer" I guess we all need to agree on a different inclusive umbrella term."
"Its bulky and does not flow but has been in use long enough changing it qould be hard on people trying to understand the community from the outside and would be counter productive"
" There should be a catch-all term instead of an acronym subject to endless expansion. (But it shouldn't be "queer," which might be the ugliest-sounding word in the English language, or "MOGAI," which locks in "marginalized" as an essential feature of our identities.)"
"why the fuck people say that it’s too long and dumb straggots meme about it? it’s fucking literally 5/4 letters, or are they too dumb to understand those? btw, lgbtq should be normalised, i’m in the + but i’m not offended if i’m not in the acronym lol someone is actually dumb. lgbtquia or however you call it IS too long."
" The acronym shouldn't exist because people just use it wrong (like saying "X affects the LGBTQ+ community" when it's something that only affects lesbians, trans people, etc"
"(Is it possible for someone to choose their sexuality or gender?) Probably not, but it's possible to choose what label you use to describe it. (How important is the LGBTQ+ movement in relation to...) For the most part it doesn't make sense to compare these — and I also see things like feminism and the body positivity movement as parts of the same larger whole as LGBTQ+ rights/acceptance anyway"
" A note on some infuriatingly common Discourse these days: fuck the kids telling us not to call ourselves "queer" when it's been our fucking word since before they were born. "
" abolishing gender means that there wouldn't be trans people, just GNC males or females. that isnt bad."
" Administering hormones to people under 18 who say they are trans should be illegal unless they've had proper gender dysphoria therapy because I feel so sorry for the 14-16 year olds who saw #trans trending on tumblr and decided that they need hormones without fully being willing to understand how life changing it is. and that's about it"
"arca is a sellout who upholds the culturally oppressive media conglomerate and their conflation of the sexual 'liberation' movement (aka child grooming) with the lgbt community is a means of controlling our behavior and dividing public opinion on us You have no obligation to act like a pubescent boy in a strip club or fit the image of a diva as an act of 'rebellion' that shit is already being manipulated by the powers that be And it misses the point of building your own identity in the first place Youre just jumping from one canned disguise to another"
"Asexuals and aromantics are LGBTQIA+ and need to be included."
"asexuals aren't discriminated against (your mom saying she wants kids doesn't count) and have as much relevance as non-ace cishets in the LGBTQ+ community"
"because i'm straight-passing, i don't feel at home in spaces reserved for queer people, but that's okay. not everything has to be about me, and I'm glad that my loved ones who are gay/trans/ace/etc have places they can call their own."
"Class reductionism is harmful to social progress but you cannot have social progress without addressing classism."
" Even if it were possible to statistically know which minority groups struggle more than others, it could lead to people deeming certain people’s struggles as unimportant since “other people have it worse” and say to “take what you can get”. So idk maybe be careful when asking/talking about whose group “has it worse” or is “more discriminated against.”
" Fuck off with the gatekeeping. If you want others to be inclusive, set an example of inclusivity."
"He/him lesbians are valid because in the 30s and 40s in lesbian bar culture butch lesbians would go be he/him for safety when courting femme lesbians, so it relies on the idea that pronouns do not equal gender much like when a non-binary person goes by they/she"
"Homophobia is rooted in transphobia, transphobia is not based on homophobia. Discrimination is the result of incongruencies or deviances from your perceived gender. Therefore, it is behavior, not identity that is the target of discrimination. This explains why so many white cis gay men are basically as bad as cishets"
"I believe that gender identity and sexuality are fluid, not stationary and predetermined."
"I came out "officially" about 5 years ago (I'm 24). Regardless of everything else, I still feel like people don't want me around in community spaces (my partner, who's also bi, is male). It's always a tossup between being invisible and being unwanted. There's no way for me, personally, to change it, at least not in the area where I live. The community is not as inclusive as it should be, and I'm far from alone in this. Trans and NB friends of mine have been glared at until they leave, have been badmouthed, and one person was assaulted by a gay dude. It's disheartening and aggravating."
" I don't understand how people can realize that rigid gender mores are stifling, yet respond by fully affirming them and shunting everyone who doesn't care about them into a heap of microlabels."
" i hate having a gender but i hate everyone else having them even more"
" I think a lot of the neopronouns/MOGAI/xenogender stuff is very harmful and offensive to trans people. I just want to be able to be normal without people I’m assuming I’m like these people making up hundreds of genders. I also find people using the pronoun “it” very much uncomfortable and don’t like seeing this being used at all as it gives the impressions it’s fine to call trans people this."
"I wanna elaborate on hating the trans flag, I hate the stupid baby pastel colors and I hate that it's PINK = GIRL BLUE = BOY but I still wear it with pride because it's what we've got and it's just a damn flag"
" I'm kinda tired of LGBTQ+ people wanted to be treated special, literally all I want is to be treated equal to straight people, not better, not worse."
" I'm NB and mostly resigned to that there will be a lot of misunderstandings and places where it's probably just best to act cis-ish or just lightly GNC. I'm always conflicted hearing about xenogenders and neopronouns because on the one hand, I know how validating it can be to have that kind of recognition, but on the other hand I think it often detracts from broader change as far as how NB people are seen in society. It's a weird situation, so I usually go with the flow in my personal life and I'd never tell anyone they're wrong to use new language for themselves, but I do wonder if it's really useful in the end."
" In relating to the question on whether you need gender dysphoria to be trans, I believe gender euphoria to be equally important. If a person experiences no dysphoria but a lot of euphoria in regards to a certain type of gender performance then people aren’t allowed to tell them they’re not “trans enough” just cause they’re not suffering 24/7"
" lesbians are oppressed as fuck and our identities are constantly erased by the split attraction model. "
"Lgb community is not accepting enough. Any non-traditional sexuality and sexual behavior should be together."
"my insanely hot take is that there are only 2 orientations, bisexual and gay/lesbian (aka monosexual). Everything else is a microlabel. Also fuck cops"
"Racism & homophobia are just as racist prevalent within LGBTQ+ circles as outside of it. Whatever I think is “cringe” may be the next wave of progress"
"Re: question about more/less important - I’d say it’s impossible to answer because all marginalized people are oppressed as part of the same system, and intersections of these identities often result in morn harm. See the difference in the average experience of a cis white gay man in nyc to a black trans woman in a rural southern town. "
" regarding genital preferences. this is very much depending on who you are. cis ppl with genital prefs who refuse to touch trans people bc of their preconceived notions of what genitalia they must have is decidedly cringe. a completely another situation is ppl who exclusively seek out T4T relationships, yknow? i'm a trans gay man who will only fuck other men, but i heavily prefer pussy lol"
" TERFs fuck off, I don't even wanna see y'all at pride. People who think there's a legitimate movement to get pedophiles included in the community have all been trolled by 4chan and brainwashed by purity culture. There is no pedophilia inclusive movement and all it does is tear our already fractured community apart. Also kink is allowed at pride since BDSM history is so extensively linked to Queer history and anyone who says otherwise probably fucks with the lights off."
"TERFs, Truscums, and Transmeds suck. Though I personally experience quite a lot of dysphoria, I am aware that positive feelings towards gender expression exist are are valid reasons for some stages of a medical transition, and medical transition isn't necessary to be trans. Non-binary is the best thing to happy to humanity, gender roles and the binary are oppressive."
" The authoritarian, libertarian left devision is kinda dumb, both Marxists and anarchists disagree on tactics and are authoritarian in their quest for revolution and libertarian in their quest for the liberation of mankind. I think a better devision of the left would be: do you lean more: a. Marxist,. b. Anarchist,. c. Social democrat,. d. Undecided. "
" The older the community gets, the more we forget our roots and the things the past generations have fought for. Add in the generational 'war' that's going on, and a lot of younger gays ignore the older ones because they think they know better. On one hand, there are a lot of things the older queer people of our community don't understand about the younger members, but there are a lot of lessons to be learned from them and a lot of things that the younger group are fighting against that the older gen fought *for*. It's rather frustrating, especially considering how many of the older generation of gays are no longer around to properly teach baby gays what it was like due to the AIDS crisis."
" there needs to be an even smaller selection on the "educated on gender" question because frankly, most cis people dont know shit and a lot of trans people know they dont know enough because gender is a fuck"
" The use of cringe is in itself, cringe"
" There sure is a lot of erasure and discrimination coming from within the LGBT community lol. Stop erasing bi, ace, and intersex people. Bi men are valid. Bi women who prefer men are valid. Bi men who prefer women are valid. It's the literal definition of bi, so get out of here with that "you're in a hetero relationship" bullshit. Bi is not a stepping stone to other sexualities."
" There's a lot of homophobia against lesbians perpetrated both by bisexuals and trans people"
" this isnt a fight on whos the most opressed, thats what the cishets are trying to convince us. its us vs them not us vs each other"
" Transmen and transmasc nb are often forgotten when the existence and discrimination of transgenders is discussed. People also often forget non-binary is a spectrum and not agender only. Pansexuals are valid and not pansexual because they are biphobic."
" We have a problem within our community. We aren’t all fluent in each other’s conversations. I’m gay, but I don’t know how to explain the trans experience. Likewise, a trans person might not know how to explain the pansexual experience. Our group is getting so inclusive that we’ll fracture into separate components, and when we lose the support of each other we will all suffer. I think we need an LGBT+ social movement with a diverse set of leaders that can act in concert with one another, just like the civil rights leaders of the 1960s. Also, we generally have poorly crafted, stereotypical representations in the media that are detrimental to our public image and private psyches."
" While I am a gay man, I am also conservative and have been rejected for that reason. I dont want any kind of "queer liberation." Acceptance and support that this is how we experience the world is one thing. But to take that and completely destroy the traditional society is terrible and will lead to a darker future."
Again, thank you guys so much for over 1200 responses!! Sorry for the wall of text! Have a great day everyone :)
I thought getting into a top college would make everyone proud. After all, I had been working 18 years for this moment to come. But it's still not enough for everyone. Someone always has to remind me of my failures and put me down. Calling me worthless and a failure. I'm sorry I keep failing my driving test. I'm sorry my legs aren't long enough. I'm sorry I'm not tall enough. I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough. I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough. Why do you always have to ask so much of me? Havent I done enough? I had a classmate during my senior year of high school. I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I was the typical female Asian student who obsessed over getting good grades. She was the stereotypical "failure" of a teenager who used substances, ditched classes, and had poor grades. She was my partner for a few weeks. I really liked talking to her. I thought she was funny at times. There was a time when a narc came into our classroom and she panicked and asked me if she looked high. I didnt know what that meant so I said no. The narc went away anyway so she was safe. I was checking my grades on my phone one day and she looked over and commented on them. She asked me how I was able to do it and how she wished she could get good grades as well. I was ignorant at the time and just thought she didnt work hard enough but there were probably many reasons why she couldn't get As in school. Maybe it was due to her environment, her family situation, the influences that surrounded her. She was the kindest person I ever met. I respected her even though she fit the stereotypical Hispanic girl that my parents always talked smack about at home. Sometimes I wonder what it wouldve been like to have her life. She had a good relationship with her mother from what I've heard. Her mother cared for her and supported her. What would it have been like if I didnt obsess so much over grades. If my parents didn't push me to do well in school. If I could have access to Marijuana and use it as an escape from reality from time to time despite knowing it would impair my cognitive function. I'd like to think I would enjoy living a life not having to worry about living up to so many harsh expectations from my family and community. I dont know everything about her life. She must have probably had to deal with many unique problems of her own and maybe she still does. But I wonder if I would still feel the way I do right now if I hadn't been forced to obsess over grades and test scores so much. If I had supportive parents that would've respected my freedom and my choices. I spent so much time worrying about numbers, I dont even really know what I want in life anymore. I just spend my free time on the internet, sleeping, and thinking when my mind won't allow me to sleep. I feel trapped and I hate it.
2020.08.26 15:30 yallvegardenI give you permission to get rid of your books
I've seen a lot of guilt (here, elsewhere on the internet, in real life) about getting rid of books. Its actually the first area of my life i have successfully banished clutter from completely. I understand that they're somewhat of a venerated object in a lot of people's minds, so I'm here to (hopefully) alleviate some of that guilt so you can free yourself from your prison of paper bricks like I did. I work in the conservation department of a huge historic library with a rare book collection and an archival repository. I clean, repair, stabilize, build enclosures, reback, etc. books that are hundreds of years old. I also do public facing work, helping patrons, running library events, etc. And so i would consider myself somewhat of an authority on this subject when i tell you: they're just books yall! They're stacks of paper that nowdays are shoddily glued together and printed on what might as well be toilet paper. Unless it's something that was extra-specially and expensively bound on nice rag paper, it will make its best effort to turn into a pile of dust eventually. And then some clown like me may be asked to stop it from disintegrating itself, or more likely, someone along the line will decide no one actually needs or wants it and it will go into recycling before it even gets to me. I understand the guilt, i used to have it, until i became the person working to preserve the books that actually need saved. People are shocked when i tell them i have maybe 1 small ikea shelf of books at home (not even the whole book case! Just the middle shelf!), because of the work i do. But getting into this line of work is what helped me stop feeling guilty about getting rid of books, and stopped me from buying them almost completely. If it's in impeccable condition and its something someone might ACTUALLY want-- (unblemished) kids books, popular fiction titles, textbooks that aren't out of date, etc, you can try donating once anyone is actually accepting donations again. If you bring it to a library, it's likely it will end up in some sort of book sale that funds the library (this is because its often more work to catalog a book that was donated at a branch than just ordering one from the supplier). If it's damaged, beat up, stained, has loose pages or a bent up cover, it is probably going in the recycling. Libraries recycle a LOT of books. We regularly do a process called "weeding", where we clear out room on the shelves by deciding what books to give to our secondhand partner or to throw out altogether. If it hasn't circulated in two years, it gets pulled for review. I want you to think about what books you have that you haven't even thought about, let alone looked at or read, in the past 2 years, and consider whether you actually need it. And if you dont now but have the "but what if i need it later!" anxiety that i do, that's what the library is for! If you have something that is, say, 150+ years old, it MAY be worth keeping or having someone take a look at it, but if it's not, i promise you there are thousands of other copies out there, and if there aren't, theres a decent chance it's because there was no demand for it even back when it was printed. If you have books that are beat up, that you can't tell yourself honestly that someone wants it, or are outdated, i give you permission to chuck them in the recycling. In fact, I am BEGGING you to chuck them in the recycling. They are not worth beating yourself up over, not worth your headache, and DEFINITELY not worth making them my headache to deal with. And even if it's a book someone might want, but the clutter is making you feel terrible, and the energy it takes to find a home for it is a barrier between you and a happier, less cluttered life, you are allowed to recycle it too. It's ok. Edit: i think every time i say this people are very defensive, like im telling them they must get rid of all their books no matter what and no one should keep tons of books around. This is obviously not directed at people who love and/or need all their books and aren't having trouble with them. You should absolutely keep a dragon hoard of books if they improve your life and you enjoy them in your space. This is for people who have book clutter they wish they didnt, who know they would be happier without some of them, but who feel guilty about removing them from their lives :)
2020.08.24 22:29 zimbardooPIED Long reboot 1 YEAR still not recovered (how common is it to take this long to recover from PIED?)
First of all, sorry for my english fellow fapstronauts jajaja Im spanish. Hi guys, I´ve just made one year pornfree. The first month of this year I was pornfree though I MOed, the following 145 days were PMO free, then I introduced masturbation (I masturbated every other day) with O but ALWAYS without P. First of all, Im 23. I´ve been struggling with PIED since I was 16. Up to that age (16), I was always making out with chicks and had a great live basically. I remember that when I was 16 I started losing my mojo, even though I had a gorgeous girlfriend at the time and I had no stress or any shit going on in my life. I went from being the guy with a constant bonner (just looking at my girlfriend i wanted to fuck her), to a guy with no interest whatsoever in real chicks. I remember once (i was 14) a friend of mine talked to me about performance anxiety and that in my mind I thought "completely imposible that happens to me", I never was afraid of anxiety because I was so horny and I hadnt the slightest bit of shyness in me. As I said, with no apparent reason I started limpdicking chicks left and right. I consider myself to be handsome and I know how to flirt, so i would always get opportunities to have sex with girls. I couldnt believe it but my libido was nonexistent when it came to real women. So when I was 21, I had enough limpdicking chicks, and I kind of gave up trying. I didnt know PIED was a thing, and i thought that I was the only guy in the world with this fucking emasculating problem. I KNEW that anxiety was not my problem. But as I didnt consider myself to be addicted to internet porn, it never occurred to me that it could be causing me any problem, even though I used it every day (short sessions though, smthing around 5 mins) and i could not get an erection without it. I also remember scalating to some disgusting shit: gangbangs, bukkakes, orgies, spanking, compilations... And i started spending muuuuch more time searching for the right videos and the right moments of those videos than masturbating. I know recognize that i was searching for constant novelty, even though i didnt scalate nearly as much as many people have (for what ive read in this forum). I never saw nothing too disturbing, and as I said i wasnt addicted neither. I wish i had ended up watching gay stuff or being addicted, that way i would have realised that porn was in fact problematic, but i didnt, and that allowed years to pass with me not knowing what my problem was. Is spanish and I live in Spain, and here (as in many places I guess jajaja) everybody assumes that porn is this great thing that helps people get educated on sex. In august 2019, I dont even know how, i came across YBOP. As soon as i read the first story about PIED, I KNEW that porn was what had being haunting me the last 7 FUCKING YEARS. I havent watched porn since, and im never going to. Quitting porn hasnt been difficult as i wasnt addicted. I have to say that i noticed lots of changes during this time, more than enough to realise that porn was what had been holding me back. Since I was 16 ive tried EVERYTHING to solve this problem. I went to the doctor and i told him i was impotent, so i got tested for that but everything was perfect. All my shit was in order, and my doctor told me that my results were more that ok, that they were excellent. So that my problem had to be anxiety. Ok, so i went to this sexologist. He told me a bunch of crap, that didnt work, but is not his fault because he doesnt know about PIED. I´ve also tried VIAGRRA, didnt work. I´ve also tried MDMA, as many people say that it is incredibly afrodisiac, didnt work either. I have to say, i lost my virginity when I was 16 even though i didnt cum. I have fucked 4 or 5 girls since then, but i havent cum once. I also have to say that even if those occasions i became erect, i didnt feel a thing in my penis. I mean, fucking those girls was as if i was rubbing my finger in a table, didnt feel like sex to me AT ALL. So, somewhere around 10 ocassions i couldnt become erect, and when i did, i couldnt feel a thing or orgasm. I was totaly desensitized to sex with a partner. From when i was 18 to august 2019 (i was 22), i hadnt had a single spontaneous erection or MW (morning wood), or the slightest hint of libido. And this last year that i havent watched porn i have had lots of spontaneous erections and MW, and there have also been moment when my libido was huge, and moments of total flatline too. More than enough to prove that im on the right track. Ive been talking with this girl that i like for 2 months now. We have met two times and kissed and cuddled, and the third day i fingered her till she orgasmed. Then she tried to give me a hand job but I stoped her making a lame excuse (told her it was late and i had things to do early next morning, all of it was true, but i mean, if i had been able to become aroused enough to fuck her i would have even if it was the end of the world). I have to say, every time we kissed or even touched i was rock hard erect. But when the oportunity of having sex arised, i was too in my head and too anxious. I guess that maybe is too soon in my reboot or that maybe i need to rewire a bit more, but i also have to admit that now anxiety is playing a role. I mean, after all those lousy experiences limpdicking chicks, i most certainly have developed quite a bit of anxiety. So im planing to tell her that porn has desensitized me, and that ive had all this bad expiriences, and im sure she will understand. Maybe this is the last straw, and will liberate me from the anxiety of "having to performe once and for all" or "not failing again". What do you think guys? Have you been in a similar situation? I think that there should be a section for LONG REBOOTERS in these forums (NoFap, reebotnation, yourbrainrebalanced...), because even if Gary Wilson sais that it is more and more common to see cases of young guys that need 1 or 2 years to reboot, in YBOP there are not many success stories of LONG REBOOTERS. I´ve read all there are in YBOP, but there arent much, and most of them are shitty stories of people that say they needed 2 years to reboot but because they were constantly relapsing. Thats not fucking rebooting jhajajaj Of course, if you are relapsing every other week you wont recover soon. A long reboot is when you have finally been able to get over your relapses, and even then, you struggle for 1 or 2 years to reach a good level of sexual health. I hope this story has been relatable and useful for you guys. Keep on trucking!!
2020.08.17 15:11 greatwarofmanyrosesIs my stepmother a narcissist?
Hi! I recently found this subreddit after a friend recommended it to me. A few weeks ago i realized that how my stepmother treated me as a child and how she still treats me is not ok. I don't know if she is a narcissist or just a plain horrible person. It has always seemed like she didnt like me or my sister. My dad and her got together when i was 6 and my sister was 1 and we saw them once every two weeks and for two weeks on the summer holidays. Everything always seemed like a performance with her, with as goal to be the most perfect and sweetest woman ever. There were strict rules for everything. We had to eat dinner with our backs straight and elbows to the side. As if cut out of a childrens etiquette book from the 1800s. They even had books on etiquette. We are a middle class family, it wasn't like we were ever going to need the knowlege or skill. It was a wild contrast with my mothers home, where we also had to eat neatly, utensils in the correct hands and no speaking with your mouth full etc, but they werent half as rigid as my fathers home. I was a messy eater and there for i wasn't allowed to sit on a pillow and had to sit on the wooden stool every meal. I had to earn the pillow. Now that i think back to it i find it odd as my stepmother has a very lacks view on possesions (oh, well just buy a new one, oh we can clean it.) She always complained about the way i behaved at dinner, which was messy but timid. The rest of the day i would read books and avoid her. I always came home full of complaints and sometimes ended up crying with how much pressure i felt from this woman. She was very insistent that we love her. Instead of calling her "stiefmoeder" (dutch for stepmother) we would have to call her "liefmoeder" (roughly translates to "sweetmother"). She would always buy my sister and i things such as horse riding gear or a backpack for school. They would be quite expensive and i never asked for most of them. Then if we complained about her behavior to one-another she would overhear and yell at us that we were ungratefull and that she had bought us all these things, therefore we weren't allowed to complain. As if our love could be bought. I have adhd and as a child i was shy, not very social, and quite angry. I dont know where that anger came from. It could have had several sources (the divorce, adhd). I recently heard from my mother that my stepmom used to ask her and her partner when i was ever going to be normal. When puberty arrived she started getting more annoyed with me. I discovered the internet and spent most of my time inside watching movies and reading. They constantly complained to everyone and myself of how i didnt do anything fun with them (they used the word "gezellig doen" which i cant really translate). Which was funny because they themselves just layed around the garden reading or working. I honest to god dont know what they really wanted me to do. (Probably leave but they would never admit that because rejecting a child is shamefull and it would hurt their image) My father has always been compliant in everything. He worships her like a goddess i could hear that expressed at night. (Sorry, gross, im just a little bitter as im remembering things) Whenever i would tell my father how much her judgy comments and corrections hurt me he would tell me that she was trying and that they would talk about it. Positive result never yielded. I started believing i was exagerating, there would be good days sometimes when our intrests lined up everything was fine. But whenever i had defering interests it would be bad. I could feel her judging me if it werent for the slight judgmental glances i would sometimes catch. Two weeks would always go by and all of the time before would be mostly forgotten. She didn't freak out like yelling and throwing things as i've heard that some people do through this subreddit. But she gets quiet and annoyed, she scolds me for not paying attention. (Im 20 she is still scolding me) She was also always the one punishing me, my dad never did. Through 12 to 16 i always tried to talk to them and explain that she has to stop acting like our mother when that is not what she is. And that she should thus relax her rules as we are not permanent fixtures in her household. And if she wanted us to treat their house as a home it should feel like a home instead of a camp for unruly girls. And she would cry and tell us that she was trying and nothing would change. There are two instances i remember that i thought were normal but in retrospect seem wrong. One was when i was around 12 and i was angry at the world. I was punching my matress and i punched wrong, hit my nose and it started bleeding. It was as if she appeard out of nowhere and started whisper yelling. She told me to get the bloody covers off of the bed turned on the faucet in the bath and told me to wash it until it was gone. Stood there washing my covers, crying with blood dripping from my nose into a towel i was holding with one hand. In the end i think my father came home and told me i could stop and that he would finish it. And my stepmother acted as if nothing happend. She spoje with a little highpitch voice telling him about how i had dirtied the covers and she had told me to go wash it. As if it had been a friendly exchange and not a violent one. The second one was when my adhd meds where of a too high doses triggering depression and suicidal thoughts. I had but a few friends and this medication made me feel lonelier than i already was. I thought everyone hated me. So i wrote it down angerly on a piece of paper and left it lying around for someone to read. It was a cry for help. My stepmother found it pulled my by my wrist downstars and i ran to the kitchen to the door that goes outside. There i stopped and turned. My stepmother starts with "now you listen to me" and went on a tangent about how i didnt how what hardship was and that she had a company with three employees and that when i had that i could come back and feel like i had it hard. I seriously contemplated running outside(it was dark) and finding my way across the counrty to my mothers home by myself. But my sister was still upstairs, so where my bags, so as soon as she was done and had made me apologize to her i ran upstairs and called my mom in a panic. This was quite out of character because i have always been the suffer in silence type. I called her up in tears and she believed me, i was going back the next day and she told me to hold on for a little while. Then my dad came home and seeing me in tears asked what was going on. Again my stepmother put on this highpitched voice and said there was a disagreement but that we had fixed everything. I just accepted it but i think that was when i started losing all respect i ever had for her. When i came home to my mother we had a long talk about how she found my behaviour alarming and my father needed to talk to his wife about what had happened. Because it must have been bad. He cried, nothing happened. Throughout my teenage years they have always been very eager for me to gain independence. They started asking when i was quite young if i wanted to go on holiday with friends instead of with them. They have also always been very insistent on me getting my drivers licence. Several things like that all make it seem as if they wanted me gone. I admit i could just be over reacting with that. There seems to have always been this internal struggle between not wanting me there and doing what society demands and accepting me. They always say they missed me but it never shows in their actions afterwards. My father and her also have a child together who they put on a higher pedestal than us. (Which is causing her to give up on things easily if she isnt fantasic at it immediatly) I think they want me out of their life unless it can better their image. I think thats most of it. It seems a really one sided story where one person is always set in a bad light. But i genuinly have no positive memories of her outside of her buying me something or me agreeing and sharing her opinion in a conversation. (She is also quite ignorant about general subjects like global warming and race issues. She says some pretty ignorant things about immigrants and stuff. But thats another package to unpack!!!) So, does she sound like a narcissist, a general asshole or am I in the wrong? Ps. English is not my first language so im sorry for any mistakes.
2020.08.17 13:42 kheelzAm I [24f] stonewalling my boyfriend [25m]?
Tl;dr: My boyfriend can be really mean and idk if I'm stonewalling or if me shutting down is an understandable response. So I stumbled into an internet hole about stonewalling and I'm going back and forth in my head if I'm a bad person and stonewalling my partner, or if my partner is mentally/emotionally abusive and I'm stonewalling as a response. On one hand, stonewalling itself is abuse and I cant blame anyone for my own behavior. But on the other hand I dont mean to do it but hes so mean I just shut down and I dont mean to. And he knows hes mean, and he acknowledges that hes mean but says he doesnt know how to stop. Like yeah he offers solutions to his behavior but I dont feel like his solutions are fair to me and it becomes a back and forth battle. For instance when it comes to sex. I haven't been able to bring myself to have sex with him for a while, and I tell him its because hes mean and I cant be physical if I don't feel emotionally/mentally safe. But then he tells me hed be nice if I had sex with him. It even goes as far as him pestering me all day despite me saying no, asking why, me telling him, and him asking why immediately again. Him saying that he doesnt feel like I love him, or that that's what couples are supposed to do, or that he has needs, or being accused of "getting it elsewhere". And despite all my no's I've given in. But then hes mad I'm not into it or enthusiastic, but I wasnt in the mood I had stated that the whole day and even during the act. That's not the only example but it's a major one that's caused me to physically withdrawal from him and stonewall him. Another big reason I feel like I do it, is his super agressive and unfounded cheating accusations. Like he will just randomly ask me if I'm cheating, I'll tell him no and its non stop after that. "Just tell me the truth. I just want the truth. Theres no way you haven't. Just tell me the truth. You've had to have done something. If you haven't done anything why do I feel like you have. Why do I feel this way if you haven't done anything? I just want the truth." Like I have to account for all my time, if I go anywhere it's being asked if I've actually went, and even straight up lying about things others have said that I've done I think to make me confess to something? But then says they never said it? And other issue is the disrespecting my personal boundaries. And I know someone can't do that if you dont let them but sometimes I feel so worn down I just let it happen. Like when I'm getting mad, I need to walk away. I have to. I'll get very angry and I'll explode. I try and tell him this, I ask him to stop or tell him I need space to calm down so I dont get mad, and he literally follows me around. Even says "good. Then do it. get mad. I want you to say shit" but i dont like to speak out of anger. Like I said there are plenty of other things that happens but I feel like these are some of the major ones. I, personally, feel these things have caused me to shut down. I noticed some specific triggers are name calling, yelling, cursing, guilt trips, and being interrupted. But he says me shutting down and refusing to communicate is the reason hes like this. And when I came across what stonewalling was i started to feel really guilting because I do shut down. My whole question is, in these instances am I actually using the abusive form of stonewalling? Or is my shutting down a normal response? I'm so sorry if this seems like a stupid question but now a days I feel like i could be wrong about being right handed or that the sky is blue. Thanks in advance.
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